Books, Grief and memory

 On this day in 1981, My friend Laura E. Hernandez passed away from Lupus. It wasn't the first time someone I knew died, but this one hit me between the eyes.  Part of me knew she was dying, but part of me was firmly in the land of Denial. After all we were in our early 20's and people our age don't die from illness. 

But she did.  

Her life was such a spark.  Someone said she was an angel walking and I suppose that's as close as you can get to a description.  She was human sunshine, a fierce friend and a genuinely good soul.  I think she must have completed her mission here  I think of her often- I went so far as to give her middle name to my daughter.  I can't hear the Christopher Cross song "think of Laura" without sobbing- which is the antithesis of what the song tries to do.  I often think of what her life would have been like if they had the medical knowledge they do now. The memory of her life and the sweet, fun times we had overtakes the sadness.

Timing sucks, but I am currently reading the Newberry Award Winner "all the Blues in the Sky"  about a young girl whose best friend in killed by a hit and run driver while on her way to see her.  I'm about halfway through the book. I keep having to put it down.  It deals with grief, guilt and anger in a way teens can understand ( this is a book for Young Adults)  It is well written- it Is A Newberry, after all!

It got me thinking about people I knew who died when I was a kid.  Car accidents, household accidents, shot by police, suicide.  I did have a neighbor who was about 19 who had a viral infection that attacked his heart.  He was super healthy and athletic.  I never understood that.

As I get older, I find I am going to more funerals or memorial services. It sucks but it is a fact of life. I try to think of it this way, mourning a death means I got to celebrate a friendship. There is an expression from the Jewish tradition, which I have adopted as it means more to me than the traditional Christian platitudes like "they've gone to a better place" or "Heaven needed an angel"  ( don't start me on that, since I FIRMLY believe that humans do not transition to angels)  They say "May their memory be a blessing" It aligns with what I often say May the joy of their life soon overtake the grief of their passing. It works for me.

As I remember my friend Laura today, I will Share a poem she once put on a scrap of paper in my work inbox:

From Emily Dickinson

To make a prairie (1779)

To make a prairie it takes a clover and one bee,
One clover, and a bee.
And revery.
The revery alone will do,
If bees are few.

That says mor than I just said.

Bad Bunny is an American

 I watched the half-time show that was making MAGA heads explode , even before they saw it.  MAGA was all "HE'S GOING TO SING IN SPANISH!!!"  HE's NOT AN AMERICAN!!!" ( spoiler alert, they have been citizens of this country since 1917- even if Felon47 doesn't know that)

I gave up trying to understand him- my Spanish is terrible and he was singing too fast for my ears to catch up- and I let the music and the visuals just wash over me.  There were sweet surprises around every corner.  I am fairly certain MAGA fainted dead away when he said God Bless America in English ( fake outrage "How could he say that?? that phrase belongs to us!!!")

The only thing more powerful than hate is love.

I woke up this morning with a song I had learned as a child playing in my head. When I was in elementary school , we had this woman who came infrequently to give us music lessons.  She played an autoharp and taught us mostly patriotic songs, with a few songs written by folk singers who were not so patriotic ( Woody Guthrie, Pete Seeger)  but his song- which I maybe misremembering went like this :

This is my country

Land of my birth

This is my country

Grandest on Earth

America stands for freedom

Americans are we all

So this is my country to rise and to fall

Anyone out there remember it or did I make it up?

We were taught that America was the best country in much less jingoistic terms than MAGA.  We were taught "Give me your tired your poor"  We were taught we were a great melting pot.  We were taught "E Pluribus Unum" From Many- one

The thing in the White House is trying his best to tear that apart. He had a lot to say about Bad Bunny, and I wonder if he watched it or did he watch Kid Rock sing about having sex with minors- a subject near and dear to the Pedo-in-Chief's shriveled heart?

I would like to believe that the average American is starting to see what he is: a sad, vengeful creep who is trying to destroy the country.  Sun Tzu is credited with saying "An Evil man will burn his own nation to the ground to rule over the ashes."  I believe we are looking at that man every day.  But is see the cracks forming. I see courage in the every day.  I continue to hope.

The only thing more powerful than hate is love.

asthma attack

 I had an attack at 3 this morning. 

Here is what it felt like 

The tickle begins

but I know better than to drink anything

Pant, tongue out

No.

Sit up 

Pant harder.

it might be stopping

No.

Stand

Now Chris is awake

Questioning.

I lean over the stair rail still panting

Getting worse but so far My throat is still open

I can feel it starting to close

Fear rises

I push it down

Fear will not help in this fight

Focus

Chris stands on the edge of my vison

There

I shake my head

This is MY fight

Pant 

Hard

My body starts to clear the airway

Violent but necessary

Air

and the feeling releases at last.

Shaky.  I sit down on the edge of bed

Take a precautionary puff of the inhaler

Talk to Chris

Fall exhausted back to sleep

I don't DO resolutions

 I don't DO resolutions.  Resolutions are often unattainable, so I set intentions.

This years, I intend to be happier, look for the glimmers, be kinder. 

Day Two, I've already blown it.

A person who went out of their way to be cruel to me, to ruin my life when I would not bed to their will is in the final days of their life.  I am remembering not the things they did before they decided I was worth destroying, wondering if the nice stuff was just a way to suck me into their plans. I will not say what they did to me, but after I escaped they went all scorched earth, trying to ruin my reputation. What they did not see was I no longer cared what those in her circle thought of me.  If they knew me and believed the lies well that was on them.

Still as they lay dying in hospice, probably non of their children keeping any sort of bedside vigil, I think negative thought ( I just did it here, so you see where my brain is)

I need to work on this version of "Forgive and forget" I'm gonna forgive them , then forget them. They mistook my kindness for weakness.

Still working on living my intentions.  It's harder than I thought!

Day 24

 

The ice cream store

I went to as a little girl

with my grandmother

closed

My grandmother always got Bing Cherry

I got rainbow sherbet

They sell the brand in the grocery store nowadays

but I doubt they even make Bing cherry anymore

and I never see rainbow sherbet

I think of my grandmother

and things that disappear

when you aren't looking.

Day 23

 

Remembering things

that are no longer there

I close my eyes

try to smell it

taste it 

touch it

to be in that place for that moment

back in that long forgotten time

in  the bubbles of my memories

that burst

and leave me 

emptier than I was before

Warren Zevon

 

I discovered Warren Zevon, in of all places, the library.  Warren is considered by many to be the most literate of rock songwriters, so it should be no surprise that I found his self titled album, sometime in the late spring of 1976 propped up in the album bin in what we now call the YA section of the Pacoima Branch library. I often wonder just how it got there.  The woman who was the "Teen" librarian might have been hip, or maybe the label sent it out to all the libraries in the system, I have no way of knowing but on that day I picked it up and flipped it over.  I read the notes on the back and saw names of musicians I knew and loved- most notably, I suppose was Jackson Browne, whose music I had discovered a few summers before.

I checked it out and took it home. From the first notes of Frank and Jesse James, I was hooked.  

I saw Warren several times in concert. I saw him at the Roxy, and at the legendary Universal Amphitheatre Concert where he went beyond curfew. It was an open-air venue at the time and they had a STRICT 11pm shut down but the crowd was screaming for more.  He stalked onto the stage, growling "turn the house lights off!  Turn the f-ing house lights off"  when they remained he marched over to the piano, Sat down with a flourish and played "Desperados under the eaves" in the bright light.

I remember seeing him and Waddy, at either Jackson Browne's NYE Concert 1977-78, or the Lowell George Tribute  The group was playing the song and they had a werewolf mask and were chasing each other, grabbing it and running- an elaborate game of Capture the Flag.  Fun times and fun memories.

Last Night, We went to a Tribute Concert at the beautiful United Artist Theater in downtown LA  Built in 1927, the gorgeous Rococo style theater is a wonder to behold.  Beautifully redone, dazzling and welcoming at the same time.

I made the mistake of buying seats in the second balcony. I am somewhat disabled and last night's climb up two flights of marble stairs really did me in. The stairways have large carved wooden railings that I clung to every step of the way up and down.  They DO have an elevator, but it was out of service and they were waiting for a tech to show up ( I know ALL about THAT!)  Shout out to House Manager Eric, for trying- he offered us tickets on the ground floor, but only had two but there were three of us, so climb I did.

The show opened with Jordan Zevon singing "When Johnny strikes up the band"  a song I always thought would be a perfect opening tune.  Jordan reminds me of his dad.  He is a wonderful musician in his own right.  Somewhere I own- or owned- a copy of his CD "Insides Out" which may or may not have made it out of the house the last time I moved (IYKYK)

Artists after artists came forward to sing one of Warren's songs and to talk about what he meant to them  According to other concertgoers who were keeping track the group did 31 songs.

Standout for me:

The performance of the little know  tune "Follow Me" Warren was in a duo with High School classmate Violet Santangelo and it was a minor hit in 1966.  While I did not keep track, exactly, I THINK there was at least one song from "wanted Dead or Alive" but I can't be sure.

I loved seeing the Second Generation Rock "children" as well.  Inara George, Chris Stills and Shooter Jennings.  Shooter was a revelation- I am having a senior moment here as I CANNOT remember the song he did!  He did mention that Desperados Under Eaves" changed his life but he did something else.  The song was beautifully done.  

There were a lot of technical difficulties. Lots of them. Marshall Crenshaw, in particular seemed to have trouble with his guitar and it resulted in something that sounded weird.

The guy who did one of my favorite Zevon tunes (sorry I can't remember his name"), "My Sh*ts F-ed up"  was a HECK of a piano player but plowed through the song with the grace of a bulldozer.  To me , he missed the nuances of the sardonic masterpiece.

I had quite forgotten what a lovely voice Susan Cowsill has.  She did a wonderful version of Mohammed's radio- a song she said Jackson brought her when she was 15.

I loved the stories that people told before singing their song.  I wonder what Jorge Calderón did that Warren had to bail him out of jail before they met ( the MC told that story that Warren's wife sent him to get him out of jail.

So many wonderful stories.

Other standout moments Included:

Jordan talking about trying to get his dad to play with his bandmates, then launching into "Monkey Wash, donkey rinse with them AND the recording of Warren singing.  I love that particular new live technique- My OTHER favorite band , America, does that with the late Dan Peek.  It is moving and joyful all at the same time 

Jorge Calderón standing alone in the spotlight near the end of the show, working his way with great emotion through "Keep my in your heart"

Jackson Browne singing "don't let us get sick", a song he has been doing in his own shows- or did the last time I saw him.  The last time I saw him do it about a year or so ago,  this rather talkative guy behind me, who was trying to impress his date, said loudly "that is an old English folk song ( I had had enough of him talking and just KNEW he would talk through the whole set)  I turned and hissed at him  WARREN ZEVON! He ( as my daughter says) stayed quiet after that.

The show was also a fundraiser for Asbestos Awareness and the Ed Asner Family Center.

The crowd were singing their best AH-HOOOs to end the show.  I went downstairs to avoid having to navigate crowds- my disability was on full display and I am proud to say I did not swear (much) as I eased myself down two flights.  My friend and I stood at the back of the house for "Send Lawyers, Guns and Money" a phase I OFTEN use at work.  We scooted out as soon as it was over.  Note to self- do NOT park at a parking garage that says it closes!  My husband had to leave to rescue the car, because the  lot was closing- the show went well past 11:30 and I didn't want to have to figure out how to get home!

Reflecting this morning, I was glad I went, happy to hear so many songs I knew by heart.  They talk about Zevon's legacy. For me the music, beginning with the wildness and ending with painful raw beauty holds sway.  To quote from W.H Auden  "when a just man dies, lamentation and praise, sorrow and joy are one" 

That says more than I ever could.