Today

I want to write something more hopeful than I wrote earlier in the week. I am grateful- EXTREMELY grateful,for the love I received and the encouragement.   I will say this again, I am overwhelmed by the love from my community of friends.  I hope I can and DO return the love you have all shown me.

Today marks 32 years as the Branch Facilities Manager- although it had no such title when I started. Wide-eyed 28 year old me, thinking this was just a stop on the way to something ... bigger.  WHAT, I ask could have been bigger than this?  I was fortunate to fall into something that suited me and my meager talents.  I grew.  My late, and much missed boss, Betsey Hoage once observed that I "created" the position, which I  suppose to some degree, I did.  I found a niche for myself.  I really miss the thrill of moving and opening buildings, but given my current health challenges, I am glad we are NOT doing that now.  I am looking at two years before I retire.  I hope to leave my colleague  filled with the knowledge of how to get it done, so she won't have to reinvent the wheel, as I did. Truth to tell the wheel has changed substantially since that bright October day when I entered the elevator at the then-ARCO towers and rode the express up to the 35th floor .  We used to do everything by hand, the pace was slower. There were 62 branches and two bookmobile units- Chinatown was branch 63, but the Valley Bookmobile was number 62. InnerCity Bookmobile was 91, in case you are wondering...

Things are faster, people expect immediate results.  Sometimes it is possible, sometimes it is not.  I have days when I go home feeling like I really earned my paycheck and some days I feel like I let my co-workers down. It's like any other job, I suspect, but this one has a meaning dearer to me than getting the records straightened out at Rent Stabilization or talking complaint calls at Parking Enforcement ( after we designed the areas, they seriously had NOT thought out what we would do and so I took phone calls)  I like to think this job makes a difference in the Department.  I love my  "peeps" as one of my co-workers calls my folks out there in the branches, and YES I have a real affection for them.  I was told once that I should not care as much as I do.  I can't work like that, hell, I can't LIVE like that. Love is always part f the equation for me.

Stress

I am up early and trying to write, wondering just how confessional I should get this morning.   I have an appointment with my therapist- an emergency one, set up by me and my primary doctor as the stress is starting to cause physiological effects.

I cry at the drop of a hat, I'm crying now.

I have severe chest pains, but my EKG is fine.

It's stress.

I can't walk, which was my go-to for stress relief.  I am trying to get on the exercise bike but even that hurts.

Two things are causing this, I suppose.  One is the #metoo and the Kavenaugh hearings dragged up some crap I THOUGHT I had dealt with- apparently not,  I won't go into details here, I just can't right now, but suffice to say that just because you are in a relationship does not give anyone the right to another person's body,  I remember crying through the assault by someone I trusted and looking at him and seeing he was oblivious to the pain and torment I was going through. He was just taking his pleasure from doing what he was doing.


I am having both knees replaced in December, at least that is the plan.  I will get final clearance from my surgeon but I am in daily pain that makes my life miserable.   I can't enjoy daily things. The pills I take contribute to my weepiness.   I am a hot mess- AND you would not believe the number of people who do not support me.  I have heard a number of "Oh my God, you can't do that'"s  Instead of being supportive, people tell me how bad it's going to hurt. I know they mean well, but I really wish they would stop.  I'm already scared.  It's major surgery, after all.  PLEASE, if you are reading this   don't tell me any more horror stories.  I HAVE to have this done.  Tell me you love me.  Tell me I am strong enough to do this, but DO NOT tell me I can't do this.  It's hard enough to face it, without negative people- some of whom haven't even HAD the procedure- telling me how hard it's going to be.   I have no illusions, but am trying to get my head in the game.

 Fear means Face Everything And Rise.   I need to take that to heart.