I am up early and trying to write, wondering just how confessional I should get this morning. I have an appointment with my therapist- an emergency one, set up by me and my primary doctor as the stress is starting to cause physiological effects.
I cry at the drop of a hat, I'm crying now.
I have severe chest pains, but my EKG is fine.
It's stress.
I can't walk, which was my go-to for stress relief. I am trying to get on the exercise bike but even that hurts.
Two things are causing this, I suppose. One is the #metoo and the Kavenaugh hearings dragged up some crap I THOUGHT I had dealt with- apparently not, I won't go into details here, I just can't right now, but suffice to say that just because you are in a relationship does not give anyone the right to another person's body, I remember crying through the assault by someone I trusted and looking at him and seeing he was oblivious to the pain and torment I was going through. He was just taking his pleasure from doing what he was doing.
I am having both knees replaced in December, at least that is the plan. I will get final clearance from my surgeon but I am in daily pain that makes my life miserable. I can't enjoy daily things. The pills I take contribute to my weepiness. I am a hot mess- AND you would not believe the number of people who do not support me. I have heard a number of "Oh my God, you can't do that'"s Instead of being supportive, people tell me how bad it's going to hurt. I know they mean well, but I really wish they would stop. I'm already scared. It's major surgery, after all. PLEASE, if you are reading this don't tell me any more horror stories. I HAVE to have this done. Tell me you love me. Tell me I am strong enough to do this, but DO NOT tell me I can't do this. It's hard enough to face it, without negative people- some of whom haven't even HAD the procedure- telling me how hard it's going to be. I have no illusions, but am trying to get my head in the game.
Fear means Face Everything And Rise. I need to take that to heart.
Of course you can do this! You are one TOUGH babe, and you have a wonderful network of love and support (starting with Big Boy Hubby!) So, yes, it will hurt, but afterwards, oh, boy, it will be great! You might even be able to wear heels again, and with the stilettos, puncture the insteps of all those who were naysayers! Ha ha!
ReplyDeleteTom
I know you can handle this, even if it is scary. The pain is nothing compared to the emotional stress this pain is causing you. Bright days ahead my love.
ReplyDelete