asthma attack

 I had an attack at 3 this morning. 

Here is what it felt like 

The tickle begins

but I know better than to drink anything

Pant, tongue out

No.

Sit up 

Pant harder.

it might be stopping

No.

Stand

Now Chris is awake

Questioning.

I lean over the stair rail still panting

Getting worse but so far My throat is still open

I can feel it starting to close

Fear rises

I push it down

Fear will not help in this fight

Focus

Chris stands on the edge of my vison

There

I shake my head

This is MY fight

Pant 

Hard

My body starts to clear the airway

Violent but necessary

Air

and the feeling releases at last.

Shaky.  I sit down on the edge of bed

Take a precautionary puff of the inhaler

Talk to Chris

Fall exhausted back to sleep

I don't DO resolutions

 I don't DO resolutions.  Resolutions are often unattainable, so I set intentions.

This years, I intend to be happier, look for the glimmers, be kinder. 

Day Two, I've already blown it.

A person who went out of their way to be cruel to me, to ruin my life when I would not bed to their will is in the final days of their life.  I am remembering not the things they did before they decided I was worth destroying, wondering if the nice stuff was just a way to suck me into their plans. I will not say what they did to me, but after I escaped they went all scorched earth, trying to ruin my reputation. What they did not see was I no longer cared what those in her circle thought of me.  If they knew me and believed the lies well that was on them.

Still as they lay dying in hospice, probably non of their children keeping any sort of bedside vigil, I think negative thought ( I just did it here, so you see where my brain is)

I need to work on this version of "Forgive and forget" I'm gonna forgive them , then forget them. They mistook my kindness for weakness.

Still working on living my intentions.  It's harder than I thought!