Funerals, Faith and Summer Camp

This week, there are back-to-back funerals in regard to my co-workers; Janet lost her father and Toni lost her grandson.  I cannot bear to go to both, so I will go to Toni's grandson's services and bow out of Janet's Dad's   I feel awful about it, but I need to make choices for my well being too and given my nature ( I'm an Empath) I would find the strain unbearable.  I remind myself that the ritual of funerals are for the living, and by performing this ancient rites we seek to comfort ourselves and one another.  Some of the practices , like "Viewing"  are in my book a bit barbaric.  When I die, please don't put me on display. It is not how I want people to remember me,   I want a party, with everyone eating and drinking and LAUGHING!   Telling funny stories and remembering good times together. The sum of my life should not be reduced to tears.  Hopefully that will not be for a long time

In thinking about funerals I have attended, I think about how we lean on our faith during this time.   I remember my friend Laura's service where her parents were comforting US, not the other way around.   But she was goodness and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I suppose.   I often think of her, so much so I gave Kate her middle name- Elizabeth- as Kate's middle name to honor her.  I try to live my faith without forcing it down anyone else's throat and have been examining just what it is I believe these days.  I was thinking about the hymn I learned as a child "In times like these" and it brought me back to a memory of Summer camp.   We went to a "christian camp" up in the mountains somewhere.  It was wonderful, swimming, hiking and of course Bible Study.  We were put into groups and competed for points and at the end of the week the group with the most point got some kind of award.   I guess I am a bit competitive, or was at that time.  Our group was in second place, just barely, behind this snobby bunch from Temple City. They weren't very "Christian" in my book, always going on and on about how much better they were than the rest of us.  It wasn't very Christian of the rest of us to dislike them, but we did.   We were a few points behind them, going into the final contest, a talent show.  While we waited for our cabin counselors to come up with something, my friend Marilyn Turner and I began singing to pass the time.  We were singing "In Times Like These" a song we had recently learned.  The counselors pounced on us and we tried to teach the rest of the group the song, but they decided that the group would hum behind us and we would sing together.  We often sang together and our voices blended nicely.  Upshot?  We WON!  The victory was sweet and the disappointment of the group from Temple City was probably celebrated by the rest of the campers.  If they had been nicer, I might not have tried so hard to beat them, but they were bullies to the smaller kids and not nice at all if they thought you weren't their equal. It was a comeuppance truly earned.

This week, as emotional and medical challenges abound, I lean on MY faith and my friends to pull me through.

Emergency Room visit

I wound up in Emergency yesterday.  I have been having chest pains and trouble breathing, but this past week it got pretty noticeable, so I made an appointment to see my regular doctor.  We have been trying to find the cause and although I have a "slight" case of pulmonary hypertension, she didn't think that was it.  She sent me for blood work, something called a d-dimer test, for blood clots in the lungs.  She came back in after she got the results, kind of freaked out and said that she was sending me to the ER for a cat scan.  Turns out the normal range is around 549 and mine was over 1600.  The did the whole thing,  EKG, Chest x-ray, and cat scan.  All negative.  The only thing they can point to is stress.  I have been under a huge amount of it lately and the last week just tipped the scale.  Chris and I have talked about how to reduce my stress and although it is hard for me, I have to agree with him.  I cannot live like this. I will be drastically scaling back my activities and asking for help.  It is hard, because one of the organizations is in dire need of help and everyone I talk to will only help if they think the organization is healthy. I want to say OF COURSE IT'S NOT, but if YOU want it to be there YOU need to pitch in.  I hate to see it fold, but it's going to without other people helping it survive.   I can no longer do all that I was doing.  Period.

I'm pretty tired and am taking the day off work to rest up.  Hopefully in the next few days, I will come up with a revised game plan for stepping away until I feel better; which may mean permanently.  

Can we PLEASE get out of this week?

It's been a rough one for people in my circle of friends.  Two people lost loved ones, my co-worker's grandson and another co-worker lost her dad.   Grief takes it's toll on us all as we try to provide comfort where there can be none.   I was driving and this came into my mind  I have not really written "poetry" in a long time and I'm not sure this qualifies, but it was something I "heard" in my head so I thought I would write it down to think about it in any case.

I  asked the angels

"why?"

They were silent for a while

then softly said

The hole made now

will never be filled

but someone else will come

and fill over the hole

leaving a smaller mark

that will always be there.

It was a small comfort to me I suppose and I will think about the implications of the words and wonder what the truth of them might be.  We can never ever replace those we have lost, but if nature abhors a vacuum, then so must the human heart.  I was looking for the quote I THOUGHT was Nietzsche "life breaks us but we become stronger at the broken places" Turns out it was Hemingway.  I was not a big fan of Ernest in college, but maybe I need to revisit his work.

This week's events should not be about me or my reaction to them.  I should be concentrating on doing something positive, to put good into the world, to remember those who are lost to us and that how we choose to live decides its meaning ( a quote, sort of,from W.H Auden)

Alan Rickman

I woke up to the sad news that Alan Rickman had died.  Here was another person who kept his illness private.  Good for him.  Nothing like a media "Death-watch" is there?  I did not know Alan Rickman but I really enjoyed his work..  His presence in a film made me want to watch it .  I wanted to see "A little Chaos" and will be adding it to the Netflix queue. I am famous for getting films and not watching them, but I will watch this one.  I am thinking of an "Alan Rickman film festival" without the Potter films so I can appreciate his talent in lesser known work. A few years ago at Thanksgiving we were all talking about who our favorite actor was and I said Alan Rickman. He was a watchable villain; he certainly made that awful Kevin Costner Robin Hood movie entertaining.  I recall taking my daughter and her friend to see "Love Actually" in the theater ( oops who KNEW there was sex and nudity in the film!!!)  I kept hoping his character would come to his senses and be better to Emma Thompson.  Sigh. He was the depressed robot in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Hans Gruber in Die Hard.  The world may remember him most as Snape, but his roles were varied and complex.  I loved his "Alexander Dane" in Galaxy Quest- still one of my favorite fun films.  His characters always had many shades to them and I don't think I have ever seen a bad performance by him.  The world will not see his like again.

I have no words

I am a collector of words.  I am fascinated with lexicon.  I have a decent vocabulary for someone who has a degree in English.   I am fairly well-read.  But today, I just have no words.

Yesterday, my co-worker received a call that her infant grandson had "stopped breathing" and they were rushing him to the hospital.  He didn't make it.  My grief for my friend and her daughter overwhelm me.  I do not want to imagine what they are going through; it is too horrible to contemplate without weeping.I know there are no words of comfort that can be offered to soothe even the smallest amount of the pain that they must be feeling.   It is a helpless feeling, to know others are struggling and you cannot help.  This morning, I "googled"  "What to say to someone who has lost their child" in hopes that someone who had gone through this would have some sage advice.  Google just scrolled and left me with a blank page.  Makes sense.

When someone dies, we bring food to the family and encourage them to eat.  We stand around helpless, looking for some small task, to feel useful in a time of need.  I wonder if just being there is enough.  If anyone reading this has gone through this for either end of the spectrum and has something to share, I would appreciate it.