The Size of the Dog in the Fight

I have been sick, no shock to all of you who read this, but I have had bronchitis for over a month and nothing they throw at it seems to knock it down.  As a result, I had to postpone my long anticipated double knee replacement and Christmas this year is NOT the usual  festive celebration.  I don't have the energy.  Sleep?  What's THAT?

On Wednesday, I saw my allergist,; a wonderful guy who is really concerned along with my pulmonologist, about the state of my breathing, or lack thereof.  I told him I thought my immune system was not doing its job.  He agreed and ran some tests.  Turns out my immune system IS on the low end of the spectrum.  Again,   I cried at work and my co-worker with a nursing degree talked me off the ledge.  I am fairly sure that it was all the frustration of my medical condition for the past  several years that FINALLY broke my spirit.  I was as low as I could get.  Another freaking fight to get even close enough to be "normal"  ( I know I' not "normal" - lol) I'm just tired of fighting and the thought of what has to happen, probably again, folded me in on myself.

I am a fighter.  I was born six weeks early in 1958 and was kept in the hospital for a long time until I could hold onto weight ( gee I wish I Still had that problem ;)  )  My mom told people I would probably be institutionalized; they used to warehouse kids on the Spectrum.  I was not and I think I turned out ok, if a bit quirky ( I blame my Dad for that trait)  but I am just drained.

On my way home, I remembered something my Dad told me once.   "It's not the size of the DOG in the fight, it's the size of the FIGHT in the dog"   MY problem is that I am not sure WHERE the fight is going to come from.  Last time I was this sick, I sat out in the sunshine every day for a week and although it is Winter in Los Angeles and those can be sunny days, I am NOT taking a beach chair and bundling up in the courtyard t o catch some rays.  Going to some sunny destination is not in the cards either.

I expect to hear from the doctor today.  I expect more medications and some advice to boost my immune system.  I think I need to take a few days off to rest, but I need to look at my schedule and see when I can really do that.  I will make time for me. I will fight my way back.

I picked up a few good books.  Christmas will be a quite one ( come by  I will be making a HUGE pan of lasagna)  I have fudge!