Day two

I think my ability is dormant.




I keep thinking
about that line from The Waste Land
about how
April is the cruelest month

So far I have to agree

Where is the soft joy
that Spring used to bring
the reawakening of Nature
the promise of Summer

Busyness
Overtakes everything
I long to be able
to slow down
to sit on the beach
and just listen to the waves
to get out of the City for a while
to find my laughter again.

April 1- National Poetry month

I am going to do my BEST to write a poem a day this month.  Maybe I can get back into my groove.  Writing has always been my go-to.  I am just going to put my fingers on the keyboard and  GO



Morning comes too early
My brain tells my body

GET UP

But my body
Unwilling to leave
the soft warm comfort of my bedcovers
resists.

I think  about what needs to be done
and how little time I have to do it all
before I have to climb in my car
and join thousands of other cars
(Well maybe not thousands but it feels like it)
snaking down the long path
to downtown LA

and panic a little.

Breathe
I tell myself
It's just another morning
I leave a sleeping man
go downstairs
 make coffee
and try to write something
that makes me feel
more courageous
or content
or to get my brain back on track

It's not working this morning.

Banned Books

April is National Library Month, so the first week or so, we talk about banned books. 

Some people are so afraid of the written word and so offended by certain concepts that they feel the need to prevent other people from reading the books and making their own conclusions.

The latest on the chopping block is Laura Ingalls Wilder.  Yeah, LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE.  It seems people are aghast the Ma Ingalls had nasty things to say about the Native American population and Laura is getting backlash for reporting it in her books. They just took her name off some National Book Prize as a repercussion. I wonder if we will rename all the Mark Twain Libraries?  After all, he consistently uses "the N Word" in his books   What is the difference between what Laura reports Ma saying and his language? It was the prevailing attitude at the time,  Laura didn't make it up. it was THERE.  Isn't this an opportunity to discuss the racial mores of the period rather than sweeping it under the rug?  Can't we talk to children and explain that while people actually thought and acted the way they act in the  book, it is wrong and we should LEARN something from it?

Nope, just ban the whole thing and pretend it didn't happen or that the concept of a change in how we treat other humans is so radical we won't even consider addressing it.

For me, I loved the Little House books as a kid, but I understood Ma was afraid and had good reason to be- she and her family were basically taking land that did not belong to them and claiming it as their own.  I always thought Pa was a bit selfish,always moving the family JUST when they got everything set up.  I also thought he was anti-social  DESPITE the fiddle playing.  Caroline really was a product of her time.  I always felt a little sorry for her, being married to Charles. He's come home after a long day or who-knows-what and announce that he had seen a neighbor's smoke so they were moving.  I often wondered if she had any say in the matter.

I'm going to pick a banned book or two from the helpful list that the American Library Association provides; one I have not read before at least.  Everyone touts Huck Finn, but I am meh about it.  I had a had time getting the dialect down and had to resort to listening to it when I had to read it for a book club.  I want something current. 

What banned book are you going to read?

Understanding my illness at last

I went to the doctor the other day.

I was seeing a specialist , after winding up in emergency with a problem with my esophagus last month.  It was scary.  I couldn't swallow and I kept throwing up.  The emergency room doctor gave me a few shots and some nitro and I was better, but I needed to see someone.

I have had this for at least ten years, maybe longer, where I feel this spasm and WHAM everything shuts.  Sometimes, I can catch it and relax enough so it goes away, but it's getting worse.I was told that:

You need to lose weight
You need to change your diet
You need to exercise more
You need to take this medication

I was made to feel guilty about my illness, as if some basic flaw in my character had caused me to get this.  I never felt better, even when I did everything they told me to do. It was always there.

This doctor calmly explained that the CAUSE of this was.... STRESS.  Simply explaining that when our bodies are under stress, they produce more acid to deal with bad food or food consumed quickly.  Our bodies were made like that.  In the past, stress like that has been short-lived.  These days, stress is a constant companion.  We talked about managing stress and although he gave me another medication, he gave me hope.  I don't feel so helpless.

Next Friday, I am going in for an esophagram.   The test will take several hours, but it will show if there is any damage or need for anything other than what my current treatment is.  I don't know just what I will do to manage my stress- I can't quit my job but maybe I can recognize the stress triggers at my job and try to manage them bit by bit,  Chris says I need to develop a hobby that will give me a creative outlet.   Writing has always soothed me, so I am going to try to do more of that.  I HOPE to write a poem a day for April which is National Poetry Month. I haven't used those chops in a while.

This will be a day-by-day or minute-by-minute quest to heal.

THAT song

My FB friend, Marissa, posted recently about how the song "Ventura Highway" gave her the "push" to get out of a bad employment situation.  She specifically says the lines about "the free wind blowing thru my hair" made her realize that she needed to get out and change her life.

I think everyone has a song or a poem like that in their lives.  Mine is Solsbury Hill, by Peter Gabriel. I think I read somewhere that he wrote this about leaving the wildly successful band Genesis to become a solo artist.  It was a hard choice for him, but he recognized his unhappiness and made the break.

I was going through an impossible situation at work.  I was working for Parking Enforcement.  My supervisors were insensitive at best and misogynistic at worst.  Some of the office staff complained that I was not answering the phones and making coffee.  I was NOT assigned to answer the phones or to make the coffee ( although I DO make a damn fine pot of coffee)  I was an analyst.  My office mate was a man and the perception that was allowed to continue was that I was his secretary.  Now, please understand that I had been clerical and that job is just as important in getting things done but it was NOT the job I was hired for nor what the City was paying me for.  They would come into the office looking for "the analyst" I would reply I was the analyst, but they preferred to "wait for Jeff"  I had been doing the job longer than Jeff at this point.  He did nothing to help me, either.  He would take the car and disappear for the better part of the day, leaving me to deal with officers and staff and ... everything.  The supervisors played tricks on me.  It was NOT pleasant.  Finally, my roving supervisor came to "Discipline" me about not answering the phones.  I exploded, telling him JEFF didn't answer the phones.  He said Jeff didn't have to.  "WHY?" I shouted "BECAUSE HE'S MALE????"  He shrugged.  I told him "look, you don't want me here and I don't want to be here.  Write me a good evaluation And I will get out of here." Seriously I had designed a tracking system for complaints that was pre-computer days AND  I had developed a good working relationship with representatives from the Mayor's Office and local Council reps. I was DOING my job, I just wasn't deferential enough. "Otherwise" I continued " I will have the Union crawling all over this place."   He agreed with me.  I got a nice review and was out of there in a few months.  I went "home" to the Library, where I have been ever since.  

Hearing this song on the radio gave me the strength to look elsewhere and find my place. There have been days in those 32 years that I have not liked my job, but there has NEVER EVER been a day when I wished myself back in the Hell that was the Valley DOT office.  I worked with some nice folks there, but no, no and NO!

What song or poem or words of wisdom have done this for you?   

Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing, stretching every nerve
Had to listen, had no choice
I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom, boom, boom
"Son", he said, "grab your things, I've come to take you home"

To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Though my life was in a rut
'Til I thought of what I'll say
Which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom, boom, boom
"Hey", he said, "grab your things, I've come to take you home"
(Hey, back home)

When illusion spin her net
I'm never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me
Today I don't need a replacement
I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom, boom, boom
"Hey", I said, "you can keep my things, they've come to take me home"

Songwriters: Peter Gabriel

Poem: At David's Funeral

"I know you" he said

taking my hand as we milled about

a group of mourners

After the blessings and grief had been shared

I peered back at him

saying that I thought  I knew him too

I didn't reply with my usual, flippant

"I come from a large Irish Family"

or

"Oh I have one of those faces."

I simply held this stranger's hand

a small comfort in shared grief

We smiled sadly and agreed that we could not place the place

but it was nice to see each other again

as he walked away

I supposed that

we knew each other

from a past

neither of us could quite remember

AN Open letter to Covington Catholic School

AN Open letter to Covington Catholic School

Good morning

I see your school is in the national news, but not in a good way.   It seems a group of boys ( note I am NOT calling them  "young men") were bussed up to Washington D.C. to attend an  Anti abortion rally ( it's not pro-life.  If it were, you would be addressing what to do AFTER the child is born) They encountered four African American men and  felt so threatened they decided to cause a ruckus ( I don't know if your math teachers teach this, but I was always taught  thirty is greater than four)

A  group of elders who were there as part of the indigenous people's march tried to defuse the situation.  Your students surrounded him.  Please do not try to say they just wanted to hear him or any other such nonsense.   Do not spin it for anything except for what it is   A bunch of White kids ( and I am so white as to be translucent) thinking they were able to do what they wanted because of the color of their skin and the slogan on their hats.

Let's look at this :

 "They were chanting football slogans"   Unless they were chanting "We've got the spirit, yes we do, we've got the sprit, how ' bout  YOU?" these were not meant to foster peace.  Correct me if I am wrong, but  football chants are meant to exhort  your  team to hit harder and to win.

They were there for another rally and stumbled into this one.  Ok, there were a lot of rallies, but WHERE were the people who were supposed to be with these boys.   And where were they when this went south?

I call BS.

Teachers and Administrators, you have failed these boys; although based on the Facebook post from the mother of the Smugness Poster Boy, I think you have a long haul to teach racial harmony and compassion.  You need to let them know that while the First Amendment protects free speech, it does NOT protect you from the consequences of  your actions.   Nonviolent protest is good, but when you come spoiling for a fight and encounter tribal elders you are out of your league.

The tribal elders showed more bravery then these boys may ever have.  These kids ran home to Mommy and Daddy and 'lawyered  up" as quickly as possible ( BTW   Mrs. Sanderson, you need a P.R. Firm who uses spell-check or something)

I have little hope that  any good will come of this.  Their actions SHOULD be part of their High School record and follow them into whatever they do .  Actions do have consequences.  Perhaps the Catholic concept of penance should be applied. Rather than expulsion, they should be made to serve many hours in communities that are less privileged then  they.  If there is hope for them, it is NOW.  It's hard to hate  when you know people.