Poem: At David's Funeral

"I know you" he said

taking my hand as we milled about

a group of mourners

After the blessings and grief had been shared

I peered back at him

saying that I thought  I knew him too

I didn't reply with my usual, flippant

"I come from a large Irish Family"

or

"Oh I have one of those faces."

I simply held this stranger's hand

a small comfort in shared grief

We smiled sadly and agreed that we could not place the place

but it was nice to see each other again

as he walked away

I supposed that

we knew each other

from a past

neither of us could quite remember

AN Open letter to Covington Catholic School

AN Open letter to Covington Catholic School

Good morning

I see your school is in the national news, but not in a good way.   It seems a group of boys ( note I am NOT calling them  "young men") were bussed up to Washington D.C. to attend an  Anti abortion rally ( it's not pro-life.  If it were, you would be addressing what to do AFTER the child is born) They encountered four African American men and  felt so threatened they decided to cause a ruckus ( I don't know if your math teachers teach this, but I was always taught  thirty is greater than four)

A  group of elders who were there as part of the indigenous people's march tried to defuse the situation.  Your students surrounded him.  Please do not try to say they just wanted to hear him or any other such nonsense.   Do not spin it for anything except for what it is   A bunch of White kids ( and I am so white as to be translucent) thinking they were able to do what they wanted because of the color of their skin and the slogan on their hats.

Let's look at this :

 "They were chanting football slogans"   Unless they were chanting "We've got the spirit, yes we do, we've got the sprit, how ' bout  YOU?" these were not meant to foster peace.  Correct me if I am wrong, but  football chants are meant to exhort  your  team to hit harder and to win.

They were there for another rally and stumbled into this one.  Ok, there were a lot of rallies, but WHERE were the people who were supposed to be with these boys.   And where were they when this went south?

I call BS.

Teachers and Administrators, you have failed these boys; although based on the Facebook post from the mother of the Smugness Poster Boy, I think you have a long haul to teach racial harmony and compassion.  You need to let them know that while the First Amendment protects free speech, it does NOT protect you from the consequences of  your actions.   Nonviolent protest is good, but when you come spoiling for a fight and encounter tribal elders you are out of your league.

The tribal elders showed more bravery then these boys may ever have.  These kids ran home to Mommy and Daddy and 'lawyered  up" as quickly as possible ( BTW   Mrs. Sanderson, you need a P.R. Firm who uses spell-check or something)

I have little hope that  any good will come of this.  Their actions SHOULD be part of their High School record and follow them into whatever they do .  Actions do have consequences.  Perhaps the Catholic concept of penance should be applied. Rather than expulsion, they should be made to serve many hours in communities that are less privileged then  they.  If there is hope for them, it is NOW.  It's hard to hate  when you know people.  

The End of the year

Goodbye 2018.  I've been trying to think of the GOOD stuff this year, as a lot of BAD has happened.  I lost so many people this year, it's not funny.  So.. let's see

Chris and I took a vacation this summer to Utah.  It was really nice to go someplace we hadn't been.  We went for the Utah Shakespeare Festival and saw some amazing performances.  Lisa Wolpe, I will add your Shylock to your Iago as something I will never forget!

We were able to see Henry Ong's marvelous play "The Blade of Jealousy" in full production.  Opening night.  I celebrated turning 60 there.  It was a wonderful day , a terrifically funny play and a lovely party.  Sadly, we lost Henry this year, but his work will live on.

Chris threw me an amazing birthday party.  It was perfect and I hold the memory of that day close to my heart. 

I have amazing friends and every day of this year has reminded me in some way or another just how lucky I am.  I hope I appreciate people to their faces, not just here in my blog.

I read some good books, but alas this morning I can't come up with one I wave in the air and say YOU MUST READ THIS!  I was a wee bit disappointed with "The Library Book" but then I am not a huge fan of Susan Orlean's writing to begin with.

I haven't gone to the movies in ages and I hope this year to be able to do so.  Once I get my new knees and don't need a walker or a scooter, I am hopeful.  The knees will come after the breathing is under control.  We take the first baby steps this week  to see if the problem is really asthma or asthma and something else.  I have that procedure on Wednesday.  Fingers crossed.

Chris bought me a kindle for Christmas.  Now If I can figure out how to download e-books from LAPL, I am set.  I still like regular books a lot.  We will see if this grows on me.

Happy 2019, everyone.  May the new year bring us happiness.  May the changes in this year be good for us all and may we move forward toward a better world.

Merry Christmas

My mother's family came from Germany- at least her father did- and we always celebrated Christmas in more the German than the American fashion.  We opened gifts on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day the house was open for visiting,  I suspect this was more because my Dad worked in the Food Service  Industry and he wanted to see us open or presents.  He worked graveyard.

When I was married, my ex would not let me do that.  It all had to be HIS way and HIS traditions.  I think a lot of the reason I am not married to him anymore began with the resentment that I felt around the holidays   Long stories and not really meant for airing anyway, suffice it to say, I have less wonderful and more "oh no he didn't" memories.

I wish my kids were coming in and they had planned to stay HOME this year, but I suspect they will be out here over the next few days.  Christmas at my Ex's house is more than likely NOT happening.   His fiance- the woman who worked so hard to break up my crumbling marriage- died on Sunday unexpectedly.  Collapsed in the grocery store.  Is is BAD to say I am having trouble finding any tears for her?  I know they are grieving, but I am not moved.  I never wished her ill, after I ended the marriage, but I never warmed to her either.  They were engaged for fourteen years.  This Summer I told him he ought to just marry her.  Geez..

Hard at Christmas, in any case.

Chris and I will celebrate quietly this evening and then have friends who are family join us for dinner tomorrow.  We are making lasagna.   It's traditional in my family.  If you are hungry and in the neighborhood....  Dinner s is at 4 (lol)

The Size of the Dog in the Fight

I have been sick, no shock to all of you who read this, but I have had bronchitis for over a month and nothing they throw at it seems to knock it down.  As a result, I had to postpone my long anticipated double knee replacement and Christmas this year is NOT the usual  festive celebration.  I don't have the energy.  Sleep?  What's THAT?

On Wednesday, I saw my allergist,; a wonderful guy who is really concerned along with my pulmonologist, about the state of my breathing, or lack thereof.  I told him I thought my immune system was not doing its job.  He agreed and ran some tests.  Turns out my immune system IS on the low end of the spectrum.  Again,   I cried at work and my co-worker with a nursing degree talked me off the ledge.  I am fairly sure that it was all the frustration of my medical condition for the past  several years that FINALLY broke my spirit.  I was as low as I could get.  Another freaking fight to get even close enough to be "normal"  ( I know I' not "normal" - lol) I'm just tired of fighting and the thought of what has to happen, probably again, folded me in on myself.

I am a fighter.  I was born six weeks early in 1958 and was kept in the hospital for a long time until I could hold onto weight ( gee I wish I Still had that problem ;)  )  My mom told people I would probably be institutionalized; they used to warehouse kids on the Spectrum.  I was not and I think I turned out ok, if a bit quirky ( I blame my Dad for that trait)  but I am just drained.

On my way home, I remembered something my Dad told me once.   "It's not the size of the DOG in the fight, it's the size of the FIGHT in the dog"   MY problem is that I am not sure WHERE the fight is going to come from.  Last time I was this sick, I sat out in the sunshine every day for a week and although it is Winter in Los Angeles and those can be sunny days, I am NOT taking a beach chair and bundling up in the courtyard t o catch some rays.  Going to some sunny destination is not in the cards either.

I expect to hear from the doctor today.  I expect more medications and some advice to boost my immune system.  I think I need to take a few days off to rest, but I need to look at my schedule and see when I can really do that.  I will make time for me. I will fight my way back.

I picked up a few good books.  Christmas will be a quite one ( come by  I will be making a HUGE pan of lasagna)  I have fudge!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Since the surgery is postponed and I am feeling MODERATELY better, I am trying to get my Christmas on.  It's hard, I get tired easily and I am on Prednisone.  How I love that stuff.  NOT.  It makes me emotional and easily irritated.  Food tastes bad and I have nightmares that are worthy of Sam Peckinpah.  Waking up shaking every 20 minutes or so does NOT get me the rest I need to heal, but I am doing my best here. I am hoping for surgery in February. Fingers crossed for between the 15th and the 24th.

I have been listening to Christmas music and officially felt old when I had to tell Chris was the "Five and Ten" was in the title song of today's blog.  Oh I LOVED the 5 and 10!  It seemed so... magical.  The 99¢ Store is too sterile. 

I got the Humming Bards CD as an early present and I am LOVING it.  Kevin Fisher and Cindy Alexander combined to make a wonderful treat of original Christmas music.  They sound beautiful together and I look forward to their next project. I MUST admit Cindy is one of my favorite singers, she has- and I hate this cliche but it's true- the voice of an angel. This cd was sold out and I HOPE they are pressing more.  It's THAT GOOD!

I have been trying to get my baking done.  I had a fruitcake DISASTER, as I tried to bake them on a very rainy morning.  They fell in.  I will be doing them again, as I was in the grocery store and actually FOUND the date-bread mix my Mom used as a base. There were TWO boxes .  Those are IMPOSSIBLE to find after November for some reason, but there they were.  I like to think maybe my Mom knew I was sad and she put them there for me to find.

The holidays are harder without her.  I miss her terribly but Christmas is the worst.  I bake, I sing carols and I throw open the doors for company.  I remember Christmases as a child and I know now what she must have done to make them all seem magical.  I hope my Bob has the same magic.  We baked cookies together when I was at Kate's.  Next year I hope to bake more with him.

 We need to slow down and reflect in the Wintertime.

This morning I got up and made a variation of the "Chinese Noodle Candy" that was a recipe of my ex MIL.  I think I make it out of spite.  The candy was my ex-husband's favorite and after eight years of being married to him, I approached her and asked for the recipe.  She actually sniffed at me and said "It'a FAMILY recipe"  I gently pointed out I was married to her oldest son.  She gave it to me.  FAMILY RECIPE my AUNT FANNY!, Family Circle MAGAZINE is more like it.  I can't imagine them carefully packing away the recipe for a candy made of chocolate chips and those crunchy noodles, when fleeing the Old Country.  Oh well.  they are pretty good.


Chris and I bought a tree and will be decorating tonight. I think I am making oatmeal cookies- hoping for the energy otherwise tomorrow morning before work.  I have more energy in the morning.  He wrote out holiday cards and will be mailing them.   I didn't look, I hope he signed BOTH our names!   When I was married to my first husband we had a HUGE list and I asked him to sign a few to take the pressure off me.  I looked. He just signed his NAME, No Happy Holidays from both of us or anything else.  It wasn't a card, it was a legal document.   Sheesh.

If you are reading this, I want to wish you a most joyful holiday, whatever you celebrate.  If I have time I will get into what I think about all that blather about "The War on Christmas" tomorrow!

Happy Anniversary

Although it does not feel like it, Nine years ago today I married my best friend and my love, Christopher.  As I came down the "aisle" on my father's arm,  my crazy friends improvised a wonderful, terrible a Capella version of the Wedding March from Lohengrin ( commonly known as "Here comes the Bride")  It made me laugh and I joyfully joined Chris to say our vows, which were unique, to say the least, as my friend performing the ceremony winged it.

It was a wonderful day.

It does not seem like nine years, but there has been so much that has happened.  Thank you, Chris for standing at my side through everything.  I could not have made it through some of this without you.  You are the most amazing person and I am proud to be your wife.  You calm my heart when you hold my hand.

It's been a wonderful journey. You are my "Happily Ever After"  and I love you.