Thinking about surgery

Today I am going to see the surgeon.  I am ready, well sort of, to get my knees replaced. Both of them need to be done and I am looking at doing it in one fell swoop.

Here's what's going on in my head:

I am SICK SICK SICK of people who haven't HAD the surgery telling me how much this is going to hurt. It's  SURGERY.  they CUT into you   THAT EQUALS PAIN.  I get it.  What galls me is that people want to tell me something they haven't experienced and put the thought to the forefront.

I know it will hurt, but frankly it's probably not as bad as people say.

I had my gallbladder taken out about 20 years ago.  Sure that hurt but it was manageable after a day or two.  They gave me pain pills and I followed instructions and within a week was up and cooking meals.

Am I afraid of this?

Yes.

Am I doing this anyway?

Yes.

I want to be able to walk unassisted.

I want to dance at Bob's wedding- admittedly Bob is not quite four and I'll probably be in my 80's when he DOES get married but a goal is a goal.

I want this constant pain GONE.

I need to remind myself of two things; a line from a James Taylor song "It's ok to feel afraid, but don't let that stand in your way" and "FEAR means Face Everything and Rise"

I will have loving support as I face this journey.  I need to keep my eye on the result, not the process. I'm going to get through this just fine.

Confessions

Don't tell my wine loving friends.


I like Moscato.


I know, the movement in the Wine Snob circles is that the ONLY type of wine to drink is red  Cabernet, in particular but Red, Red Red. If you MUST drink white only a Chardonnay will do.

But in the Summer, I love a cold cold glass of Moscato.  Call me a rebel.  I used to love- and still do- a nice Blanc de Blanc.  But Moscato tastes like Summer on your tongue.  None of that heavy  full body of a red. I DO like red wine when having pasta with red sauce,but this is Summer, so I am secretly ( well not so secretly now) enjoying my guilty pleasure.

Moscato.

Scoff if you will.  I was always more of a white wine drinker than a red. People enthuse over red wine in a way I cannot.  Funny, because every month, my Wine of the month club delivers two to three bottles of.. you guessed it... RED WINE. I wonder if there is a way to go on and change my preference?  I should look into that.  I currently have enough red wine in the cupboard to last me  until the next Ice Age.  I don't have a wine locker, I KNOW  SHAME ON ME

At Thanksgiving I LOVE the pairing of Gewurztraminer with turkey.  Something about the oak-y,yet fruity flavors are the best thing to me. Goes with ham too.

So, anyone want to come over and have a glass or two or three of the red wine?

Come early if you want the Moscato!

Music is playing in side my head Over and over and over again

ok, so the title of this post is actually a line from Carole Kin's song "Music'  The past few mornings, I have woken up with music playing in my head, "The Summer Wind" from Frank Sinatra,  "Lazy Days of Summer" by Nat King Cole ( which I think I misremember and now will have to look up the lyric) and this morning "You've got your troubles, I've got mine"  I have no idea who sang that. hang on...

The Fortunes.  Never heard of them- except for this song.

I looked up why this is happening. the theory is that you heard the song lately and it gets stuck in your head.  I don't have a clock radio, so I don't have music in the morning and with the exception of Lazy Days of Summer, which came up in a discussion in the local Italian deli this weekend.  I have NO clue why these two older songs were playing in my head when I opened my eyes.

"The Summer Wind" is wistful and maybe I am feeling nostalgic.  But "You've got your troubles"?  No clue.

I read an article about it, looking to see what I could understand about the phenomenon .The term they use is earworm, although I was hoping for a more clinical term.  Earworm makes me think of that Star Trek film where the villains put a worm in the ears of two crew members to make them talk - or control them or something I just remember the worm..  In any case, it's an unpleasant vision.  The article referenced several songs that get stuck in most people's heads  "My Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga and Don't stop Believin'" by Journey.  I can't say either has ever been rolling around my brain with no hope of an exit.  I don't want to think more about the ones that have, for  fear they will reappear and get stuck again.

The article DID offer a piece of advice on how to get a song unstuck.  Chew a piece of gum.  Now if THAT isn't ironic, I don't know what is.

I'll try it though, the next time Muskrat Love gets on a never-ending loop.

Things I don't understand

I was in an elevator with a person with open toed BOOTS.  Boots.   Let that sink in.  I don't understand.  For me, boots are cold weather shoes, made to keep your feet snug and warm in the cold and to keep the rain off your tootsies.

It got me thinking.

As I grow older ( but no wiser, as the song says) I look at things on the internet and shake my head.  Sometimes I need a millennial to explain things, so here are some of them:

Fur fingernail covering

Eating Tide Pods

Piercing your ears so the lobes stretch like something I saw in National Geographic in the 60s

Facial tattoos

Twitter

Wanting so desperately for a return to the 1950's style America that you believe the constant and inconsistent lies of a con man, who was falsely elected and continues to vilify about 3/4 of the American people.

I don't know about you, but if I were FALSELY  accused of a crime and someone were hired to investigate, I would be doing all I could to provide help  to that person to PROVE my innocence, not name calling and stonewalling.

If I didn't lie on them ( and I don't), I would  have no problem releasing my tax returns, if it is a requirement for the job ( like.. oh.. the long form of my birth certificate.)

Thinking that the color of your skin or the zeros in your bank account somehow make you a better person than the next guy.

Maybe one day I will understand all of this, but life is a journey and as my Dad used to tell me, if you stop learning, you stop growing.

Will someone please explain the fashion statement of belting your pants BELOW your butt so I see your underwear???

Farewell

I try to never say "Rest in Peace"


It's hard
when you reach the age
where you go to more funerals
than weddings
see more deaths
than births.

I try not to dwell on the sorrow
but on the joy of someone's life

Today
I will try to remember
that she loved elephants
she had a small exquisite collection
on her desk
crammed with photos of her children
and her grandchildren
That she was a joy
That she smiled with her entire face
That she was loved
and that she was my friend.

I hope heaven has elephants to love

42

No Not Jackie Robinson's number, although I was thinking of Jackie yesterday as I looked  at the excellent photo collection on display on Lower Level four ( History) in the building I work in.  Central is not "My" building, I just work there.  My responsibility- at least for the moment- is the 72 branches of the Los Angeles Public Library.

No, it was 42 years ago today that a wide-eyed eighteen year old me started work in the Pacoima Library.  I couldn't believe my luck.  Here was a JOB in the library, great pay, vacations, holidays and sick pay.  I was making the princely sum of $3.33 an hour!  To put in on perspective, most of my friends were making around $1.85 and working with grease fryers.  Not that those were bad jobs, but man was I lucky!

I loved that job.

I am looking at working for two years, two and a half months more.   I don't know.  Lately work has been not as satisfying as it once was and I often feel like I am working in a war zone instead of an office.  My friend Pauline, who will probably read this will tell me AGAIN, that I should retire and how wonderful retirement is.  I know, Pauline, I just have always had it in my head to make 40 years.  There's an opening at the Department of Cannabis- yeah it's a real thing- I wonder if that might not be better.  I don't know.

I am hoping that once my knees are replaced and getting around is not so hard, I might have a new perspective or my old pep back. I have graduated to the walker.  It is a wonderful walker but I HATE having to use it.  It's "for now' not "forever", right?

 Sorry to be Debbie Downer.  Some days are like that and getting it out of my head and onto the virtual paper of this blog has helped me think.  My therapist ( yes, I have someone I talk to who listens and guides me to make choices to improve things) says writing it down might be the best way for me to deal with things.  After all, although I am not a published writer ( unless you count the poem I wrote that went in the newspaper when I was seven) Writing is my "art"

I have about 830 calendar days util the day I THINK will put me at 40.  I need to log on to the City Retirement calculator and see what it tells me.  I have a few legal issues that need to be cleared up.  All parties have agreed, it's just the paperwork and the lawyers fees at this point. Once THAT is done, I can seriously look at what retirement will look like for me.

Funny, this started out as a celebration of achieving 42 years with the City of LA.  I never really know where these blogs will go.  They are, mostly, an unplanned and unvarnished look at what is going on in my brain after the first jolt of coffee hits it.  ALMOST  like Victorian "automatic writing, but not quite  ( I do try to go back and edit for some sort of clarity)

Thanks for riding with me.

Float

My good friend Christine is always finding these odd places to go and I love to tag along because aside from the fact that I love Christine ( and her son Lennon and, yeah Max I love you too) she goes places I would NEVER think of, much less go to.

Case in point?  Float. It is JUST what you think it might be; a private chamber in which to float.  I kept remembering the movie "Altered States"  where Jeff Bridges has a weird experience in a flotation tank and goes nuts ( really I can't remember the plot, I just remember that someone I knew ran screaming from the theater when she went to see it- the plot remains vague)

Anyway, Float is one of those new age-y places, all that soft music that seems to be a collection of squeaks and hums.  The people were very nice as they explained the process. You have a private room, strip to your birthday suit, shower using their soap and shampoo- but NOT the conditioner which you use after, them get into the tub of saltwater ( you enter the chamber thru a door that reminded me of a submarine door) and float.  There are lights to begin with , but they slowly fade and you float around in total darkness.  If you need lights there is a button to keep them on, but I wondered how you would know time was  up if you did that so float in the dark I did.  Truth to tell I was kind of bored and at one point bounced a bit off the side of the tub to change things up.  I tried some guided imagery meditation and that helped pass the time.  The lights came back up and I got out.  I showered and dressed quickly.  I kept having this image of them unlocking the door to tell me my time was up and finding me in my all-together.  They did not.

Floating is supposed to help you sleep and they say one session may not help.  They try to up sell you  a year.   Not happening.  My sleep was no better and no worse that it had been, but it WAS worth a try.

I think I should open a place called "Nap"  You get those great big soft beds like they have in fancy hotels, with big soft pillows and those white comforters that keep you cozy, but neither too hot or too cold.  The rooms would have those blackout shades like Cameron Diaz had at her house in The Holiday ( look it up, it's fun romantic comedy).  You get soft music or a book for ten minutes them the lights all go out (except maybe a night light, just in case)  You are offered comfy jammies and the sheets are that t-shirt material or high tread-count cotton ( you can choose your package!) You can nap for an hour or two if you paid for two but an hour is what experts say is best.  The bedding, including pillows and comforters are changed COMPLETELY with every guest; no weird wondering who slept there before you as I sometimes do in hotel rooms.

Wadda ya think?  Would you use a place like "Nap"?