August 29

It comes around every year and every year I wonder if THIS year, I will be able to forget the date.  No.  I can't. I wish I could.

Eleven years have passed since my mother died and every year on this sad anniversary I remember her. It's not as if I don't think of her all the time but on this day, I feel her loss most keenly.  A few things came up this week and I really wish I could talk to her about them.  I have to console myself with trying to remember what she said about a particular problem and hope the information will help me.  I think if I listen, I will know.

I was thinking about a story she told me about witnessing a murder, after I witnessed an attempted murder on the street in front of my office and was totally freaked out.  She told me that when she was newly married, they lived in an apartment building and this couple lived below them.  They had been fighting loudly and violently all day.  It was night and my mom went down stairs to see if she could get them to stop.  Another neighbor, who had a young baby was at their door, pleading with the husband to stop, as she could not settle her baby to sleep.  Just then, the wife came to the door and stabbed her husband to death.  After the cops came and took the body away, one of the cops told my mother to clean up the blood in the hallway.  She complied.  It was a strange story and she never told it to me again and I never asked.  It wasn't a light-hearted story and I think the memory of the murder of someone she knew,at least in nodding acquaintance, haunted her in some way.

I am heading out to 29 Palms this morning to take care of Bobby for the day.  My daughter and my son-in-law are both working today and the person who had been their sitter is not available anymore so while she looks for a solution , I get G-ma time with Bobby.  I have not had to deal with a toddler - and yes he's toddling even if he is not quite a year- in a very long time.  I wonder if I can remember how.  I hope I don't screw up!

Letter to sixteen-year old me

There an ad campaign in which cancer survivors comment on what they would say to their sixteen year old selves. I do not have cancer or any life threatening illnesses ( life changing, yes, but I am coping) It got me wondering what I would tell me and I came up with this.


Dear Sixteen-year Old Me:

You are going to have an amazing life.  There will be some truly terrible and terrifying moments, but you are stronger than you know and braver than you think you are. With the love and the help of the wonderful friends you surround yourself with, you will get through all of it.  There will be more happiness than sorrow.  The bad times will help you realize who you are and what you want.  You will make a few HUGE mistakes, but they will teach you about compassion and love and will help you realize who your real friends are.  You will be fortunate in those friendships. Above all, remain a true and loyal friend.  Although it is something of a cliche, remember that courage is not the absence of fear.  It's being afraid and doing it anyway.  All of your life you will continue to seek your purpose, to create in some way. You will find some of that purpose in the work you choose to do and in volunteering. That's a good thing.  Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the ride. Happiness does not just fall from the sky, it is a choice you make every day, to be happy in what you have and what you are. In September of 2007, go out and see a band called "Evita Freaks".   They will change your life.

Love yourself.

57-year old You.

Monday in Sunland Tujunga

I love my community, truly I do. I moved up here after a tumultuous marriage- looking for a place I could be at peace and breathe.  S-T is a quirky community, part small-town,part City.  When I first moved up here, I got an inkling of what the lay of the land was when I picked up one of the two local papers.  There were TWO competing papers at the time (now there are THREE and frankly there isn't that much news up here!)  ONE of the papers printed, in all seriousness, a recipe for squirrel stew.  Ok then...

A few things have me saying hmmm, although I am not really surprised by either of them.  The first has to do with the Welcome Garden, which is at the freeway, near the Sunland Blvd off-ramp. They wanted to change the signage, as it was old, reflected a Council District that no longer represents us and needed an upgrade.  This project was four years in the works; proposals were written, it was hashed out in Neighborhood Council Committees and in Full STNC hearings that were open to the public.  Public Comment was sought and advertised in both local papers.  The mock-up of the sign came this week and yesterday the Committee went to the sign to make sure it fit and was what  they really wanted.With a minor change or two, the order will go forward and the Committee proudly       (and justifiably so) posted the photo of the mock up placed on the rock monument sign.   It started a firestorm on the page, mostly people saying things like "I don't like it" and "No one asked what we wanted."  Typical.  When we were opening all those branch libraries back in the early 90's, we had multiple community meetings:one to announce the project and invite public comment on the site choice,,one to introduce the selected architect and get public input for the design.  We held  MULTIPLE meetings to present the design and make changes that the community wanted for their branch, as each was unique to the particular community they would serve.  If I were to guess, I would say we had no fewer than 10 meetings per community.  We invited input on the final design.  Unfailingly, on opening day, there would be at least one person who would complain loudly and bitterly that they did not like it and why did they not consult the community before moving forward.  Rick Nelson was right.  "You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself."  Personally, I LIKE it.  It's classic and subtle and will have "staying power"  But no matter what, people are going to complain about it.

Part two is what I hope is just a few people trying to figure out what to do with the old K-Mart site.  In McAllen Texas, they took an abandoned Mall and turned it into a community Center, anchored by a public library. Now, that's very nice for McAllen Texas, but I have a whole LOT of reservations regarding the proposed project:

1- We HAVE a library.  It's very nice.  The City already owns it.  I wonder if the folks are proposing that the City BUY the property, or lease space in the building,  Either way, I can't see the City plunking down money they don't have for something they don't really need.  This, of course, will start the Greek Chorus of " we aren't getting our fair share" and "The Councilman ignores us", neither of which are particularly true.  I think anytime people want to get someone on board with a project they either drag in a library or a park "for the children" to tug at heartstrings.

2- I have heard that the building need MAJOR rehab, probably so, as it has been vacant for as long as I can remember.  Whoever buys it has a huge investment on their hand before they can recoup any gain.

3- I think it would be smarter to see what this community actually NEEDS and go after investors who might see the worth in investing in such a project up here  We are an isolated community in many respects.  We don't have a major department store up here, for instance.  We should look at what we are lacking and what would bring in jobs.  I know there are some people who would oppose this, as they are so wedded to the "small town" concept of S-T that they are missing the point that we are not bringing jobs or money into the community.  We are not a "destination" for anyone.  There are no restaurants that people would travel up here to go to.   After people hike in the canyons, they blow through here on their way to Burbank or Glendale for dinner.  I know the Backdoor Bakery is getting ready to reopen  and I hear good things about Caruso's, so I do have hope that the foodie community will discover us.  My husband jokes that the best place to eat, other than my kitchen, is Pollo Loco.  Recently the Denny's AND the Sizzler shut down. Pathetic.

I do hope they come up with something in regard to the old K-Mart site.  It's just sitting there, like the burned out hulk of the Backdoor Bakery.  The owner of the lot said he was going to tear it down and expand his parking for the businesses in the lot.  So far he has done nothing and I know if I were an owner in that strip mall I would be complaining daily that he was harming my business, as it is RIGHT on the corner and makes it look like the center is abandoned.

Maybe they should try withholding rent until he fixes it.  I wonder if they have any legal recourse.  I am not sure, but if it were me I would be screaming by now!

Reading the news

I am having a hard time mustering any sympathy for either Jared Fogel or Josh Duggar.   They both played a dangerous "game" and got caught.   I do not know the extent of the "child porn" found on Jared's computer- if he is looking at teenage girls in various states of undress or something sicker, but he should have known better,  He hired underage girls for sex.  Now admittedly, the "underage" girl was 17. My daughter and I had a discussion recently about what is so magical about turning 18 that changes everything?  I would be willing to bet that girl knew EXACTLY what she was doing.  How do we define a "victim" here?  It's not like she was a small child.  She agreed to "work" for him, as children who are 16 can do- except that that "work" is something illegal.  I am not excusing him here, just wondering if there isn't more to the story.  Want to BET she makes the rounds of television shows, with her lawyer at her side?  She will have her 15 minutes of fame.  Frankly, I would rather see kids who are doing good things be made famous than people who want to play the victim.  Do you really want to be famous for that?  I smell a book deal.

Josh Duggar.   His holier-than thou parents have thrown him under the bus in an effort to save their babymaking empire.  Now it comes out that he had an account on the cheating website?  I wonder how much of that is true and how much is made up, but Josh just needs to go away.  The one I feel sorry for is his wife.  I wonder if she knew what she was getting into  when she married him.  I don't think their religion allows divorce.  She is stuck defending him in public and standing by his side, as she was taught was right.  My ex-father in law once told me- in all seriousness- that "even when your husband is wrong, he is right"  Not on my planet!  I am tired of reality show "heroes" anyway.  No one is all good or all bad and watching other people's lives, edited versions anyway, is not entertainment to me.  What ever happened to the creative storytelling process, where writers developed characters and plot-lines and told compelling or funny stories that they made up.  I don't want to watch people fight all the time.  I don't watch that stuff, but when I visit my daughter, she has it on.  She had a retrospective of  the "Real Housewives of New York" on.  Those women, in my observation are neither real nor housewives.  One of them had so much plastic surgery done on her eyes she looked like a Siamese cat!  She kept rolling her eyes, but her skin was stretched so tight, the motion looked like it hurt.

I am watching with horror the "candidates" that are emerging from the Republican Party.  Surely, there are people on the conservative side who are not, how do I say this? BATSHIT CRAZY?   The fact that Donald Trump is their front-runner is just too impossible to take in.  In what world would he be an appropriate choice to lead our country?  The man opens his mouth and insults come out.  So far, he has offended women, Hispanics and gays. I am waiting for him to insult the rest of the non-white male population.  He is a train wreck.  He may be a shrewd businessman, where being a pig is acceptable behavior, but politicians must have diplomatic skills.  Diplomacy is the ART of telling someone to go to Hell in such a way that they actually look forward to the trip.  Mr Trump does not have that skill.  I am sick of hearing "He speaks his mind" The man has no filter.   I love the meme response to that, which is something like "so does my drunk Uncle.  Maybe he should run, he makes as much sense as Trump."  We also need to remember that rump is a FAILED businessman, if filing for bankruptcy five times is any indicator.  I hope he is just being advanced for entertainment purposed while they try to find someone reasonable.  MY fear is that they will put someone up who is totally unsuited to the job and enough people will knee-jerk and vote in some moron. I hope the candidates from both parties are reasonable logical choices and we can have someone leading this country forward.  And yeah  I think Barrack Obama is doing a great job.

America at Pershing Square.

I love the band, America.  The music makes me happy and I enjoy their shows.  SO when I heard they were doing a FREE gig locally in Pershing Square I got really JAZZED.  Unfortunately, I have recently been diagnosed with severe osteoarthritis and walking and standing were just too painful for me.  My husband is also disabled and cannot stand for long periods of time.  Imagine my delight upon winning VIP "observation deck" tickets to the show.  It qualified us for "early entry' and guaranteed seats.  UNFORTUNATELY this was NOT the good thing it seemed to be.

First.  They didn't even open the early gates until 7:15   LONG after the GA gates were open.  I asked the staff at Pershing, while we we stuck standing in line for a half an hour for  "ADA accommodations" for my husband who cannot stand for more than a few minutes ( I would have brought my own chair, but remember we had guaranteed seats???)  Her response was that he should lean against the wall. THIS is not an appropriate response, and I will be emailing them to talk with staff about how to accommodate patrons who may need additional help.  Second, the "observation deck" was WAYYYYY at the BACK of the house.  The GA seats were closer, so we picked a spot on the retaining wall and sat there.  HAD I KNOWN THIS, I would have brought my own chairs and scored a prime spot up front and sat comfortably.  The Radio station the sponsored the event had not been one of my favorite lately.  The took a wonderful DJ who played good music interspersed with interesting tidbits of musical knowledge and humor and replaced him with a frat boy who guffaws at his own jokes.  I don't have a drive-time dj anymore.  The arrogance of the whole "Mark in the Morning" thing left a bad taste in my mouth that was not abated by THIS. I was not the only one who had complaints and the people giving away paper fans at their booth could not have cared less.

The opening band was the Freddy Jones Band, a pleasant, if boring band who seemed to engage the close up crowd ( did I mention that there WERE VIP seats right below the stage?  THOSE people were cheering like mad)   I did not hate them, but I was not impressed enough to go out and look into their music, as is so often the case with an America opener ( Cindy Alexander, Berkley Hart and Jeff Larson!!!!)

I was happy when the band opened to strains of "Miniature" which always begins the set. The sound was MUCH better than it has been in the past.  Gerry mentioned the presence of legendary sound engineer Geoff Emerick which probably contributed a great deal to the quality of the sound.  The band was playful and filled with energy.  While waiting in line, I was discussing the probable setlist with another concertgoer, who insisted they would do "Muskrat Love"  a song that has mercifully been archived. They did not play it. I was also relieved not to have to endure "The Last Unicorn"  They added one of my favorite songs "Green Monkey"  a rocker from the Hat Trick album which holds a special place in my heart.  The song is the one I blasted, years ago when I was traveling alone in the Bay area and Mapquest  neglected to tell me that I would be traveling over a bridge.  On the water. The San Mateo sits ON THE WATER. I am a bit bridge-phobic.   I fliped to that song on my cd and floored it.   Also, at one point, when driving with my daughter, I was playing the CD and I said to her, "Sorry I have to turn this up"  she glared at me, then it came on.  she said "oh it's THAT ONE"  and leaned over and cranked up the volume.   Andy Barr was on fire last night and it was a pleasure to see him settling in to the guitar/keys/ vocals role.  I just wish he'd lose the stupid porkpie hat.

I bought the new CD, "Lost and Found" and will be giving it a serious listen before saying anything about it.  It will be a while, as I am in the middle of a Lizzie and Diesel book on CD and I need to finish it first ( there are holds on it)  It was nice to speak with both Brynna and Glynnis Campbell, two sweet and classy ladies. The America organization is lucky to have them as part of their group. I was disappointed that Brynna wasn't onstage with them for HWNN, it's always fun to see her play.

It was a beautiful warm night in the park.  I must say, however, the bar left a lot to be desired.  They did NOT have either of my favorite call whiskeys-  ALL YOU HAVE IS JACK DANIELS?? Seriously????  I wound up getting Chivas, but I missed the oak-y bite of Bushmills.  The food trucks were packed and kind of icky. I did get a shaved ice which Chris and I shared.  They need to have trucks that have stuff ready to go or just bagged snacks. Just my two cents.

I will try to see America again before the year is out, depending on the usual factors of time and money and my continuing health challenges. Yesterday, I was able to walk around without my cane, today I am suffering for it.  Pain killers are my new best friend.

A week's worth of something

I realize that I have not been writing and I am disappointed in myself.  How can I improve my craft, if I don't practice?   I write to release whatever is inside my head and right now, stuff is building up so here goes;

On Monday I had cortisone shots in both knees to help alleviate  the pain of osteoarthritis which has become unbearable.  I feel like such a wuss, but it hurts.  I wonder about my pain tolerance and sometimes feel like I have to buck up and just grit my teeth and GO.  I don't LIKE taking meds for pain.  The shots were not the cure all I had hoped, but I am managing.  I have to walk from the parking structure on 4th and Olive to my office on Fifth and Flower every day.  It is ( and I know this sounds like a joke) uphill both ways.  Seriously.  You go down Olive and then back up Fifth Street.  The walk at the end of the day is worse.  You are tired and the hill is killer.  But someone told me "motion is lotion" so I keep going.  On a brighter note, I had lost six pounds since I last saw my doctor, so THAT made me feel better!  I am uncomfortable with my weight and need to lose quite a bit to feel better.  I am sticking to the simple plan of eating less and exercising more, although I have NOT been on the bike in a bit.  I'm tired.  Pain wears you out and I am zapped by the time I get home.  Hopefully, I will find my energy again. This weekend should be fun!

Tonight I am meeting friends at Pershing Square to see "Guardians of the Galaxy" a fun sci-fi film that is a favorite of one of my friends. it should be a nice night in the park and I love the idea of watching a movie outdoors.  I hope they sell popcorn!  I saw a movie there last summer, but it was poorly attended.  This should bring a bigger crowd, I think.

TOMORROW!  I get to see my favorite band in the world, America, at a free show in Pershing Square.  I WON seats!!!!! it's a free show, but given our mobility issues, I had serious reservations about going and dealing with the crowd.  Thanks to my local radio station, I WON a pair of seats in the VIP section.  I am really looking forward to seeing "my boys"  I have to laugh, the "boys" are in their 60's.  I hope they are selling the new CD tomorrow. I keep meaning to get it, but forget to order it. I promise, if they don't have a merch table, I will be buying it online this weekend.  I am unashamed of my fan-girl love for this band- the music makes me happy.   The band is fun to watch and they have a new drummer who is a nice kid.  I wonder if the third guitar player, Bill Worrell is doing better, probably still healing.  When we saw them in July, Andy Barr who used to play with a local band I liked, had stepped in to take over the duties. Andy is a nice kid too.  It should be a fun night.  I am looking forward to having a "date" with my husband, grab some dinner beforehand in Chinatown maybe....

Work has been especially crazy this week, I have no idea why.  So much junk going on out in the branches.  I feel terrible for my folks out there and do my best to take care of the emergencies while taking care of the mundane AND working on necessary projects.  I need to be three people.  To say I am looking forward to some downtime is obvious.

Watts Riots

I woke up this morning after having a disturbing dream about the Watts Riots.   This week marks 50 years since those riots and my dream was more a nightmare than anything else. 

I was in a restaurant with someone and someone I knew came in - this isn't someone I really knew but in my dream I knew this person, if that makes sense.  He came up to us and told us that they were planing to rob the place, so we should leave.  He would wait until we were gone and then he would do it.   I did not know how to get out and warn the people in the place about what was going to happen...

Suddenly, I was in the home of a former neighbor, back in Pacoima.   It was night time and we were looking out the back patio window.  Their house overlooked the Wash ( which is what I now know is the LA River- go figure)   We saw the fires begin.  They sprung up all over until the sky was filled with that orange light of fire and smoke.  In my dream I cried out "why are they doing this again?"   I needed to go home.  My parents house was empty and I just needed to be in it, so I took a dog, a large German Shepard, who in the dream was my dog, and we went back to the house. Then my alarm went off.

Weird.  In 1965, I was seven.  The week of the Watts Riots, my grandmother died and that took over everything in our household.   The dream I had got me thinking about the past 50 years in Los Angeles.  Have things changed?  Well, yes.  I think they have.   There are still many things that need changing, but I believe things have improved since those days in the early 60's.  I am thinking about how we approach  one another in relationship to race.  It's not fair, certainly, to judge anyone on the color of their skin and THAT goes both ways.   I am no more responsible for the actions of my ancestors than you are.  What I AM responsible for is how I behave NOW and how I teach my children to behave.  We cannot change the past.  We cannot erase what was, we can do our best to change what is and what will be. I believe that the Confederate flag, should not fly above capital buildings.  It's not a flag of anything, except a past we need to learn from.  I don't believe we should remove all the statues of soldiers and local heroes.   They ARE part of our history and have not been co-opted by hate groups as a banner declaring their position on race.  When we talk about the War between the States, their names should be remembered.

I know that there are commemorations of the events on those hot August nights in 1965.  I hope the discussion honors those who rose to the occasion of helping the City heal and do not tear down the future they envisioned; that by remembering the reasons behind the riots we see how far we have come, that the path still reaches out before us and we must walk it together.

Book by it's cover

I am still working on my book reading list challenge.  One was " A book picked solely by it's cover."  I know the old adage,but I was in the Popular Library WITHOUT my glasses, so I picked up a book with an actress who may or may not have been Carole Lombard on the cover.  The print on the back was SO SMALL ( it was an audio book) I just checked it out.

"A Touch of Stardust" by Kate Alcott, follows Julie Crawford, a girl with a Smith College education from a "good family" in the Midwest, as she tries to make it as a screenwriter  in Hollywood in 1939.  Along the way, she meets a cast of characters, including Clark Gable and Carole Lombard.  The main action centers around the making of Gone with the Wind" and the coming of war in Europe.   The book is part drama, part romance, part historical fiction.  I liked it, for the most part but the ending seemed flat.  I won't reveal what happens, but it's kind of a cop-out in my opinion.  There is even an epilogue, which does even less to resolve the bad ending.  It's a decent "beach read" and I would have recommended it but the ending was wimpy.  I liked some of the real life characters enough to look them up and am reading Frances Marion's book on Hollywood.  Interesting stuff, from a true "insider" of the golden age of Hollywood. Funny you almost never hear about women screenwriters from that era, although there were apparently a lot of them.  This book will probably lead me to reading more about the era from pieces from that time.  I like it when something I am reading piques my curiosity in that manner.  I am going to see what I can find of the writings of Louella Parsons, who features strongly in this book.  From everything I have heard, she was a real bitch, but I wonder what her motivation was.

I am wading through the list and now need a book by an author under 30.  Any suggestions?