I think I am whining

Lately, I seem to have more to kvetch about in these blogs than things to feel good about.  I really should try to be more upbeat about things.   After all, I have a pretty nice life, all things considered.  Sure, there ARE things that I want, but do I NEED them?  Not really, I suppose.  I still have dreams for myself, and have hope for the future.

I saw an interview with a 17 year old kid, Sam Berns, who had that disease that makes you age prematurely.  He was so "glass half full" that it put me to shame. He looked forward, didn't  allow himself to throw a "pity party" and  said some pretty neat things.  One thing that stuck with me is "being brave is supposed to be hard"  I think so too.  Sometimes it's just making the only choice you can live with, even though the other choice might be easier in the short term, being brave and going forward takes courage.  He died about three months after the interview.  He had to know he might not live out his dreams, but he created them and looked forward to them anyway.   as they say in Nicholas Nicklby  "Hope!   Always Hope!"

Words I will try to remember today.

Sunday, feeling a bit... weird

LAPL is opening on Sundays today and there is a big "celebration" being held at Central and at eight Regional branches.  I actually volunteered to help out.  After all, I reasoned,  I have done a few of these before.  I was NOT asking for compensation, just offering my help.  They told me "we don't need you"  This, after the City Librarian stood up in a General meeting and told Seniors to get staff to come out.  Ok then.  I made a dinner and a movie date with my husband instead, but it feels odd not to be among my friends, helping out.  Maybe I just need to scale back my dedication to my work a bit.  I don't know how to do that, really.  I am always "all in" with whatever project I am doing, not just work but volunteer stuff I do elsewhere. Something to consider.

Yesterday, I went to the first meeting for the Water Captains at the LA Marathon.  It's my eleventh year doing this, and there were no big surprises this year.  I am glad Gatorade is back as a sponsor, because that replenish stuff was nasty tasting and you got powder all over you.  The runners hated it! It was nice to see my good friend Luiza and laugh with her again.  It makes it nice when you can enjoy what might be a long day by laughing with friends.  We had AED and CPR training and as Luiza tried to practice the Heimlich on me ( not hard, just to get the feel of it) I realized JUST how ticklish I am. I was laughing so hard, she had trouble doing it.  I just cracked up.  Had to go and get a burrito at Yuca's afterward.  Training is hard work!

I will be sending my emails out to those who have volunteered with me before.  I closed the group to outsiders,as people see the last mile and think they will see the winner.  WE start after the winner has signed for the Honda and is enjoying a beer in the hospitality suite.  The people we see are, in my book, the REAL winners; people who are running for themselves, for charity, for the sheer joy of running.  I don't understand why someone would put themselves through this agony, but I am out there on the course to give them water and cheer them home.  Let me know if you want to join me!

This is probably going to offend someone

My husband found an article about a supposed medical study that claims that sperm is an anti-depressant.  It's an old study, one without much real medical evidence to support it, but it's making the rounds again.  It seems the article claims that women who have unprotected sex are less depressed than those who have protected sex.  I personally think it's a load of malarkey, to be blunt.  I think the "researchers" were frat boys trying to get laid for "research purposes" and they skewed the results in order to convince naive girls to have unprotected sex.  "C'mon,, research shows you'll be happier if I don't wear a condom".  Uh-huh.  Sounds like a story my mom told me once about  U.S. Soldiers in WWII telling English girls that all US solders were given shots to prevent them from getting anyone pregnant.   Some of them, apparently were QUITE convincing!


It got me to thinking about the supposed "power" of the "male member."  After all, legend has it that women are changed after losing their virginity.  Only a virgin can capture a unicorn.  The Oracle lost her gift of sight after she lost her virginity; and blah , blah , blah.  These stories only reinforce the male power stereotype and the dichotomy of thought about how we approach sexuality in our rather puritan society.   A man who has multiple sex partners is a stud, a woman is a slut.  My mother, God love her, always told me that a man should be experienced and a woman  should be a virgin when they got married.  Now I ask you; WHERE is a man going to GET experience if all the women are supposed to be virgins????  I never got a good answer on that one.

Here's a link to the commentary on the article.  I particularly like the  quote down at the bottom, saying that this particular scholarly journal will publish any crackpot paper that comes their way and intimates that the editors must be chipmunks.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/unique-everybody-else/201209/semen-antidepressant-think-again

Happy Birthday, Mom

I miss my mom.  Some days are harder than others.  Today would have been her 88th birthday.  It's hard to believe it's been ten years since we celebrated her last birthday.  She was a bit confused, but childlike as she asked "is it MY birthday?  My mother had Alzheimer's.  It was draining to see the once vibrant intelligent woman slip away bit by bit.  I often "talk" to her and sometimes I can hear a response.  I hope she would be happy for the life I am leading now.  I know she would have loved my husband and been happy to see Kate happily married as well.  She probably would have Kate's husband's face between her hands and kissed him and cajoled him to treat her well.Sometimes , like right now, tears just well up in my eyes; I miss her so badly, but I brush the tears away and try to remember that she would not have wanted to live like that, half there.  She and my father are together in a better place.  The thought sustains me.  So happy birthday, Mom.  I am sure there is chocolate in Heaven.  How could it be Heaven if there weren't?

Sending out "happy thoughts" to my friends and Family.  The year has had a rough start for a lot of us, but I believe it will be better.  So for my nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters, Aunts and Uncles,Cousins and friends I am sending ALL of you a mental hug and a wish for good things for you today.  Send me one back!

Technology and other stressors

Isn't technology supposed to make our lives easier?  On Friday, I hit a wall at work when the technology I depend on to do my job seemed to mock me at every turn.

I got into the office, rarin' to get to what needed to be done with job orders, only to find I could not access the drive that holds ALL my files?   GRRRRRRR!  After about a half an hour of frustration and work-arounds, the thing came back up.  I hate when that happens.  My work has become- by my own design- essentially paperless; I get most of my requests via email and keep all the files on the drives.  When that goes down, I am dead in the water as far as doing my main job goes.  Probably NOT the best plan, but it is the way we ware supposed to be going, right?  Mind you, I still get phone calls for the more pressing jobs but when I can't do my main one, I am frustrated.

Part two of this is the fact that our once "State of the art" phone system is going the way of the dinosaur. I was told to call my telephone repair request for a fire alarm in to 311.  Simple, right?  Except OUR system would not take 311!  It waited for more numbers to be dialed.  I finally grabbed my cell phone and called. THEY transferred me BACK to the guy who told me to call 311.   ARGH!!!!!! 

I want nothing more than to go back upstairs and snuggle under the covers.  Where did the weekend go?  I seem to be on a go-go-go collapse cycle.  I need to slow down.  It's hard to get all the things I see that need to be done and factor in some "me time" .  Last night I walked away from the computer and snuggled under the covers with a good book ( Alice McDermott's "Somebody")  It reminded me that one of life's best pleasures is reading in bed.  I need to do more of that.  I need to look at my reading list and see what I have put off.  I need to step away from the computer sometimes and just relax!

After all, it's what we've done that makes us what we are

That's a line from Jim Croce, but sometimes songs contain a certain philosophy that rings more true than the standard philosophers.  Over the Christmas holidays, small dramas played themselves out and it got me to thinking about how I got to where I am in my life.  If you read this blog, you know I consider myself extremely lucky.  I am a pretty happy person, most of the time.  I "escaped" a bad situation and got into a very good one, probably more by luck than plan; although I did plan, it was wonderful when the stars aligned and things I needed fell into my lap.  I got into a conversation with an old friend who was talking about how my early marriage and hers were "Mistakes"  I don't consider it to have been a mistake.  I say "Getting married was not a mistake, STAYING married would have been."  She didn't seem to get it.  I pressed on, saying that I got my daughter as a result of that marriage and I learned a lot about myself and the strength that I have in getting out of it.  I found I had wonderful, supportive friends and that I COULD do it on my own.  That situation made me who I am today.  Life is a series of twists and turns along the path, some planned and some decisions that are made for you by circumstances over which you have no control.  It's how you handle THOSE that matters.  Sure, there are days I want to hide under my desk and not come out until quitting time, but that's not going to happen. 

We are the people we are today because of the experiences we have had AND how we dealt with them.  Sometimes it's hard to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and start all over again, but if you don't your choices become limited.  There is a saying "Fall down six times. Get up seven"

sizes and fat shaming

This may be a case of TMI, but today as I was putting on my "unmentionables," I noticed that the label said XL/8  In WHAT world is SIZE EIGHT an extra large?  Oh yeah, Los Angeles, the land of anorexia and fat shaming.  Now, I admit, I am not a skinny Minnie and haven't been what anyone would consider "slender" in  a very long time, but extra large?   What does that kind of labeling do to someone with self-esteem issues?  People have different natural body shapes.  I myself have always been voluptuous, even curvy, when I weighed 103 pounds soaking wet.  I have thighs and tush and boobs.  Does this make me a bad person, if I am a little on the heavy side?  Some people seem to think so.  That woman who posed with her kids saying"What's your excuse?"  really grates on my nerves.  Perhaps she was trying to motivate people, but not everyone wants to work out constantly.  I used to work with a woman who would eat a BITE of cookie and moan "Oh I will have to work out for two hours to get rid of the yummy treat."  She actually SAID yummy treat.  How did you KNOW it was "yummy"? You only took one bite.  The trend toward NO body fat at all is alarming. The "perfect woman" used to be 36-24-36.  That's a size nine, I believe. I wonder why some people consider a woman with those measurements to be fat? I also think you can have a bit of weight and be perfectly healthy.  I believe that fat is not the only factor in good health and general fitness.  We need to stop looking at people who are not bone thin and judging them; making assumptions about lifestyle or behavior.  We need to stop airbrushing models and celebrities on magazine covers.  We need to show that real people- men and women, have curves and shape.