Weekend update and the week ahead

As usual, I have a lot on my plate and am trying to manage it all.  I keep trying to do less, so yesterday I was a real slug and did almost nothing around here.  If you work like I do all week, the weekend is usually consumed with domestic chores and not much else.  I did get some of the cleaning up done, but the mess monster is overactive here and I still have stuff that is going to bug me until I can get a handle on it.   I  just don't have the energy.

I went to the pulmonologist.   I felt like a freaking hypochondriac as he read - aloud- all the tests I have had in the past year.  Here's why.  I went to my doctor about a year ago , telling her that I was still having trouble breathing .  She had done a test that told her I did NOT have asthma a while ago and had taken me off Qvar, so now she was on the hunt to see what was wrong.  I had heart stress tests, an ultrasound,a cat scan, more blood work than I care to think about and... nothing.  The visit to the emergency room triggered a request FROM ME for a specialist.    Guess what?  I have asthma.  I'm back on the Qvar for now.  I have another ultrasound this morning, as I do have some lung issues, then back to the specialist in six weeks.   Although I am not wild about being on steroids, I figure I will use them until I am under control and talk to my doctor about other options.  I am sure there are some, but the Qvar gets it under control and at least I am not gasping for air all the time.  There is a lot to be said for that.

My next-door neighbor works for ASIFA, who sponsor the Annie awards for animated film.  He invited me to go with him and so on Saturday, I got to go to Royce Hall at UCLA and watch the ceremony.  It was really interesting and I had a good time, hanging out with my friend, Gary.  There were a few unintentionally awkward moments when people assumed our relationship was more than it was; one voice actor stage-whispered to me that he was "a keeper".  I just nodded.  He IS a keeper, just not for me!  I really enjoyed the festivities and now there are a whole bunch of films I need to see. I must admit that I did not see "Inside Out" which was the big winner, I actually only saw one of the nominated films "The Peanuts Movie"  which I liked very much.  The clips made me want to see more- except for  the Leonardo Di Caprio film which won for the CGI bear.  It was too realistic and I don't think I can see that again!  Leo is up for an Oscar for that one.  It was fun to "mingle" with  people who are famous in their craft.  I had no idea who any of them were and we had a long conversation with the lead animator for the Hobbit, mostly talking about how much he loves Los Angeles and the difference between here and New Zealand. "Inside Out" is not on Netflix yet. IS it nominated for an Oscar?  I need to check, but based on how it "ran" the  Annies, I would bet it's a shoe-in to win!

I have a busy week ahead and I am trying to remember to "take small bites"   Stress and asthma have sapped my appetite to the point where I can't even look at food.  Not good and I will do my best to eat something this week, although given my size, it wouldn't hurt me to miss a meal or two!  I am looking ahead to a vacation we have planned in two weeks, which I hope will be relaxing and fun and I can recharge my batteries and figure out what comes next.

Driving with your eyes closed

I have a recurring dream that I am driving but my eyes are stuck closed.  I try to open them, fight to get them open, but they will not budge.  I know if I don't open them, I am going to crash and at some point exhaustion and resignation flood over me.  Sometimes I get my eyes open but sometimes I wake up before I can get them open.  Most of the time, I try to get the car to the side of the road,  all the while struggling to get my eyes open.

I looked it up and of course, the popular "meaning" of the dream is that I am going somewhere but am afraid to see where it is.   The thing is I am fighting like mad in my dream to open my eyes and they are stuck.  It's not like I am blissfully gliding along ( in my dream I am on the freeway)  I know I am going to die if I can't get my eyes open.  Well, THAT is a telling statement isn't it?  The dream itself makes me wonder just what I am struggling to see and  that I must see whatever it is or it may kill me.  Hmmm

It's not my favorite dream.

That dream would be the one where I win the lottery, which apparently hasn't happened yet either.  I enjoy dreams where I can change what is happening, sort of a "choose your own adventure" dream.    When you know you are in a dream state and can change the monster to a fluffy puppy or something like that.  I do that a lot.  I love dreams that are like feature films,  I am in the dream but I am not me at all and it's like acting in a movie.  I know it's not me but I am enjoying playing a part.  I really wish I could remember those dreams better as I think they have the basis of a short story or something.  I wake up happy from those dreams, wishing I could go back to sleep and go back into that world again.

Now the lyrics from the Don Henley song are playing in my head "You're driving with your eyes closed.  You're gonna hit something, that's the way it goes"  I struggle to keep my eyes, both really and figuratively, open today.

Funerals, Faith and Summer Camp

This week, there are back-to-back funerals in regard to my co-workers; Janet lost her father and Toni lost her grandson.  I cannot bear to go to both, so I will go to Toni's grandson's services and bow out of Janet's Dad's   I feel awful about it, but I need to make choices for my well being too and given my nature ( I'm an Empath) I would find the strain unbearable.  I remind myself that the ritual of funerals are for the living, and by performing this ancient rites we seek to comfort ourselves and one another.  Some of the practices , like "Viewing"  are in my book a bit barbaric.  When I die, please don't put me on display. It is not how I want people to remember me,   I want a party, with everyone eating and drinking and LAUGHING!   Telling funny stories and remembering good times together. The sum of my life should not be reduced to tears.  Hopefully that will not be for a long time

In thinking about funerals I have attended, I think about how we lean on our faith during this time.   I remember my friend Laura's service where her parents were comforting US, not the other way around.   But she was goodness and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I suppose.   I often think of her, so much so I gave Kate her middle name- Elizabeth- as Kate's middle name to honor her.  I try to live my faith without forcing it down anyone else's throat and have been examining just what it is I believe these days.  I was thinking about the hymn I learned as a child "In times like these" and it brought me back to a memory of Summer camp.   We went to a "christian camp" up in the mountains somewhere.  It was wonderful, swimming, hiking and of course Bible Study.  We were put into groups and competed for points and at the end of the week the group with the most point got some kind of award.   I guess I am a bit competitive, or was at that time.  Our group was in second place, just barely, behind this snobby bunch from Temple City. They weren't very "Christian" in my book, always going on and on about how much better they were than the rest of us.  It wasn't very Christian of the rest of us to dislike them, but we did.   We were a few points behind them, going into the final contest, a talent show.  While we waited for our cabin counselors to come up with something, my friend Marilyn Turner and I began singing to pass the time.  We were singing "In Times Like These" a song we had recently learned.  The counselors pounced on us and we tried to teach the rest of the group the song, but they decided that the group would hum behind us and we would sing together.  We often sang together and our voices blended nicely.  Upshot?  We WON!  The victory was sweet and the disappointment of the group from Temple City was probably celebrated by the rest of the campers.  If they had been nicer, I might not have tried so hard to beat them, but they were bullies to the smaller kids and not nice at all if they thought you weren't their equal. It was a comeuppance truly earned.

This week, as emotional and medical challenges abound, I lean on MY faith and my friends to pull me through.

Emergency Room visit

I wound up in Emergency yesterday.  I have been having chest pains and trouble breathing, but this past week it got pretty noticeable, so I made an appointment to see my regular doctor.  We have been trying to find the cause and although I have a "slight" case of pulmonary hypertension, she didn't think that was it.  She sent me for blood work, something called a d-dimer test, for blood clots in the lungs.  She came back in after she got the results, kind of freaked out and said that she was sending me to the ER for a cat scan.  Turns out the normal range is around 549 and mine was over 1600.  The did the whole thing,  EKG, Chest x-ray, and cat scan.  All negative.  The only thing they can point to is stress.  I have been under a huge amount of it lately and the last week just tipped the scale.  Chris and I have talked about how to reduce my stress and although it is hard for me, I have to agree with him.  I cannot live like this. I will be drastically scaling back my activities and asking for help.  It is hard, because one of the organizations is in dire need of help and everyone I talk to will only help if they think the organization is healthy. I want to say OF COURSE IT'S NOT, but if YOU want it to be there YOU need to pitch in.  I hate to see it fold, but it's going to without other people helping it survive.   I can no longer do all that I was doing.  Period.

I'm pretty tired and am taking the day off work to rest up.  Hopefully in the next few days, I will come up with a revised game plan for stepping away until I feel better; which may mean permanently.  

Can we PLEASE get out of this week?

It's been a rough one for people in my circle of friends.  Two people lost loved ones, my co-worker's grandson and another co-worker lost her dad.   Grief takes it's toll on us all as we try to provide comfort where there can be none.   I was driving and this came into my mind  I have not really written "poetry" in a long time and I'm not sure this qualifies, but it was something I "heard" in my head so I thought I would write it down to think about it in any case.

I  asked the angels

"why?"

They were silent for a while

then softly said

The hole made now

will never be filled

but someone else will come

and fill over the hole

leaving a smaller mark

that will always be there.

It was a small comfort to me I suppose and I will think about the implications of the words and wonder what the truth of them might be.  We can never ever replace those we have lost, but if nature abhors a vacuum, then so must the human heart.  I was looking for the quote I THOUGHT was Nietzsche "life breaks us but we become stronger at the broken places" Turns out it was Hemingway.  I was not a big fan of Ernest in college, but maybe I need to revisit his work.

This week's events should not be about me or my reaction to them.  I should be concentrating on doing something positive, to put good into the world, to remember those who are lost to us and that how we choose to live decides its meaning ( a quote, sort of,from W.H Auden)

Alan Rickman

I woke up to the sad news that Alan Rickman had died.  Here was another person who kept his illness private.  Good for him.  Nothing like a media "Death-watch" is there?  I did not know Alan Rickman but I really enjoyed his work..  His presence in a film made me want to watch it .  I wanted to see "A little Chaos" and will be adding it to the Netflix queue. I am famous for getting films and not watching them, but I will watch this one.  I am thinking of an "Alan Rickman film festival" without the Potter films so I can appreciate his talent in lesser known work. A few years ago at Thanksgiving we were all talking about who our favorite actor was and I said Alan Rickman. He was a watchable villain; he certainly made that awful Kevin Costner Robin Hood movie entertaining.  I recall taking my daughter and her friend to see "Love Actually" in the theater ( oops who KNEW there was sex and nudity in the film!!!)  I kept hoping his character would come to his senses and be better to Emma Thompson.  Sigh. He was the depressed robot in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Hans Gruber in Die Hard.  The world may remember him most as Snape, but his roles were varied and complex.  I loved his "Alexander Dane" in Galaxy Quest- still one of my favorite fun films.  His characters always had many shades to them and I don't think I have ever seen a bad performance by him.  The world will not see his like again.

I have no words

I am a collector of words.  I am fascinated with lexicon.  I have a decent vocabulary for someone who has a degree in English.   I am fairly well-read.  But today, I just have no words.

Yesterday, my co-worker received a call that her infant grandson had "stopped breathing" and they were rushing him to the hospital.  He didn't make it.  My grief for my friend and her daughter overwhelm me.  I do not want to imagine what they are going through; it is too horrible to contemplate without weeping.I know there are no words of comfort that can be offered to soothe even the smallest amount of the pain that they must be feeling.   It is a helpless feeling, to know others are struggling and you cannot help.  This morning, I "googled"  "What to say to someone who has lost their child" in hopes that someone who had gone through this would have some sage advice.  Google just scrolled and left me with a blank page.  Makes sense.

When someone dies, we bring food to the family and encourage them to eat.  We stand around helpless, looking for some small task, to feel useful in a time of need.  I wonder if just being there is enough.  If anyone reading this has gone through this for either end of the spectrum and has something to share, I would appreciate it.