No words but I do have a few

 When I was a kid and my mother asked me why I had done something and I came out with a lame excuse rather than a clear explanation, she would shake her head and say " well a poor excuse is better than none"  I suppose she meant she wasn't buying it, but she would let me think about it.  

This makes me think of the cop who shot Daunte Wright for having air freshener hanging from his rearview mirror.  Apparently it's illegal but when you are Driving While Black it is also a capitol offense.   She claimed she was reaching for her Taser and grabbed her gun.  The smell of Toro poop is strong with this defense.   What in tarnation are they teaching the cops in Minnesota anyway?

Sadly, this is not a "one off" or an aberration. It happens daily, all over this country.  Driving while Not White is a crime.  

I am a white woman of a certain age and while we often fade into the background ( I say Invisibility is my superpower) I wonder what we can do .  I belong to a group where recently the moderator posted a "safe space" for women of color to talk about how they are feeling right now.  White women were asked not to comment, but they did anyway.  The anger that erupted between us was disheartening.  We were asked to either read the comments and learn something, or get off  that thread.  Now I will admit I got a little upset to see my sisters lump us all together.  I think that is just as wrong as when white people do it and it doesn't really solve the problem.  Well maybe it does.  If you bring a bias out into the light of day and are willing to discuss both sides of the issue, perhaps we can join together.  That's the old hippie in me, I suppose, believing that there is hope if we just have peace, love and understanding in our hearts.  Seed need to break their shell before they can grow and I imagine there is a lot of pain that we must go through to get to a better place.  We change hearts and minds, often one person at a time and there will not be this gigantic seachange without struggle. I am hopeful we can begin a dialog.  Baby steps are better than no steps.

Prednisone. Again

 Have I mentioned I hate taking prednisone?   Just for the record   I.HATE.TAKING PREDNISONE.     It behaves badly in my body.   Last night I felt like I was ON something,  couldn't sleep, couldn't shut off my brain, wound up taking a pain reliever to counteract it and FINALLY FINALLY fell asleep around 4 am.  I get up at 6:30.   This ought to be interesting. It also makes me incredibly slow witted.  If you talk to me today please understand.

Fro some reason, my asthma has ramped out of control.  I need to get a handle on it and this was the solution.  UGH.  I think stress contributes.  I keep SAYING I am going to get more exercise, but yesterday my right knee had other plans.  I hate taking anything for the pain.  I am waiting for my second shot to schedule my replacement.  I need to do it soon, but will email the surgeon AFTER I am fully protected.

I see a lot of people saying they are not getting the shot.  Ok.  Did you go to medical school, do you know something I don't?  We made polio less of a thing.  It's not completely gone because PEOPLE DIDN"T TAKE THE VACCINE!!!!!!  ugh  I remember getting the sugar cube in elementary school- and asking about a second one (lol- I was six)   There was no vaccine for Chicken pox and I got that when I was four months pregnant with Kate.  She got it in her eyes and wears glasses because of it. It there had been a vaccine, you bet your sweet bippy I would have gotten it.

I get it.  You don't want the vaccine because:

a-  You think they are implanting a microchip and will be tracking you ( the irony that most people saying this WILLINGLY carry a mobile tracking device everywhere EVEN THE BATHROOM, is delicious)

b- you believe herd immunity will protect you.  Herd immunity depends, I believe, on  people in the "herd" actually getting the virus AND recovering from it.  I'm not willing to take that chance.

c- you believe in "natural holistic healing and essential oils"  Look, I'm as hippy-dippy as the next person, but I STILL trust Western medicine for viruses.

d- you believe that vaccines cause autism.  No, they don't.  That was debunked years ago, so stop, just STOP.

Don't get me started on the anti-maskers.  wear the mask for two weeks.  If you had, and social distanced AND washed your hands, we might not be in this mess.  AS usual I blame the failed leadership of the Former Guy for that.  

So I have to take Prednisone for another week which means that for the next week or so, I am going to be in no particular order:

Sleepy

Grumpy

Spacy

not eating

emotional

So bear with me.  It's gonna be a long week

April is Poetry Month

 Poetry is something I always wrote as a kid.  I was known for it.  Was it good?  Maybe, I can't really tell but as I grow older the point of my art is to be creative and MAYBE impact someone.  I used to belong to an online poetry group.  One kid said he printed and carried a few of my poems with him, as they inspired him to write.  I lost touch with that group when my divorce happened and things like that were no longer around ( I think they all fell away from it as well)

I am going to try to just write a quick poem, no edits.   I was thinking about a woman I knew in college, Stella, who had swum across dangerous waters from China to freedom.  She was treated as a hero not as a dirty illegal.  I heard she married another friend from my college group, but again, I have lost touch with that group.  She told me that the form of Chinese art she produced had to be done in under three minutes or it was rejected.  So in honor of that conversation, I will try to write quickly- and TRY not to edit.

Pandemic

For the past year 

we have stared at the walls

Stared at the floor

Stared at each other

Waiting

Waiting for a cure

Waiting for release

Waiting for change

We baked bread

Painted pictures

Took photos from inside

the walls of our homes

dreaming of the outdoors

We became keyboard warriors

either attacking mercilessly 

or sending messages of hope to effect change.

We found God

We lost God

We made and lost connections that were precious.

Life went on

Life goes on

There was great loss

but also great gains

Hope became a tangible thing

something we could hold 

in delicate outstretched fingers

that we now offer

as we emerge

tentatively

into the morning sun.

Phew  ok.   I hope you like it.  Only one teeny edit, done before I hit the return key so it doesn't count.

I have been embracing different art to find my balance.  Work is good, but not exactly art and I need the balance.  Once I am vaccinated, I hope to get outside with my camera and take photos, something I enjoy. I have been housebound long enough.

I don't have much to say

 It's Wednesday and I am half asleep.  My asthma kicked into gear again last night.  I THOUGHT I was doing better, but alas not.  There are a lot of factors- stress being a major one and I have no idea WHY I am so stressed these days.  Probably the whole pandemic thing and the thought of going back to work.  We will probably be back in our office the first week of May , when more libraires open back up in a different way.  It's going to be interesting.

I get my last shot on April 23.  You hear various stories about reaction to the second one, but frankly I am not thinking it will be anything of great consequence.  IF I have a reaction, I am home and can just ride it out.  Heck  I went to WORK with pneumonia, ( I know.. I know..) so I have the ability to function while feeling crappy.  Hopefully it will not do much.

I have been thinking about English and advertising.  The thing grinding my gears are all the  notices that advertise "Free gift with purchase"   WHAT other type of GIFT is there?   Aren't all "gifts" by nature FREE????  Sheesh.  I guess there is no truth in advertising, otherwise they would have to say "Random useless crap thrown in with purchase"  these days, the "free gift" is rarely something I can use.

Chris was talking about the rant that says "you can save up to 20 %- OR MORE"  HUH?  UP TO is the limit, right?  Honestly advertising copy writers need to go BACK to school.  I was thinking of Darrin Stevens who worked for an ad agency.  Would HE have used such faulty logic?   Maybe.

I just realized I started this but got busy and never completed it.  It seems to be a thing these days, too many spinning plates in the air.  I am trying to step back and take better control of things, but it gets harder and harder.  Aren't things supposed to SLOW DOWN as we age?  Some days I feel like I am perpetually at the apex of a very tall roller coaster.  

He is Risen

 Three powerful words that are the basis of the Christian faith. He is Risen.   In the past four years, The trump ( small "T" intentional) administration and Faux News have thrown an awful lot of  dirt toward "The War on Christmas"  as if  Christmas somehow defines the Christian Faith.  It does not.  Sure, we love to celebrate and give presents, but really the core of faith is that he died and rose again.  

Somehow the Most Christian Man in the World forgets that.

Growing up, I went to a church of my choosing with my sister ( who I think actually chose the church, she may have known someone who went there)  The original pastor,  Pastor Gene, was a gentle soul whose sermons were  warm and hopeful.  When he left, we got  Brother Johnstone, a "Fire and Brimstone" Baptist.  I never could quite reconcile the "God who loved you so well that he knew the number of the hairs on your head"  with the "God who will smite you down with a Thunderbolt if you step out of line"   I heard a lot about "Fearing God"  I don't think that's the point.  AS I grew older, I saw the hypocrisy in my chosen church and turned from organized religion to have a  personal, if unorthodox relationship with my Creator.  Sure, I believe the basics of Christianity, but some of it is just weird.  I suppose that is what faith is.   I stopped being afraid of God and started having long chats with him.  I figure he know what I am talking about, most of the time.

I see  a lot of people waving a Bible, including some who have probably never even opened one or really thought about what it says.  Hate is not a Christian value.  Hating people is something Christ himself directly addressed in his new commandment to his followers "Love ye one another"  Simple, right?   I think there are sects of Christianity who missed the memo.

As we celebrate  Easter, with colored eggs and chocolate bunnies, let us all endeavor to take Christ's words to heart, even if you don't follow Christianity.   Love.  It's a good thing to do.

Laughlin

  Chris said- and I Agreed- that I needed a change of scene.  We get free rooms at Harrah's in Laughlin so we booked a stay.

I am currently looking at the sun glistening on the Colorado River.  Being near water is healing for me, but things have changed and I will be reevaluating my affection for this particular hotel.

First, it is not that well kept.  I found crumbs from a muffin on the worktable near the window.  I  brought my disinfectant and scrubbed and cleaned- if I wanted to do THAT I could have stayed home.

I think the people across the hall are either into something illegal or they have a bunch of idiot friends.  People come and go at all hours and yesterday around 5 pm when I was resting- this vacation IS about taking a freaking NAP whenever I want- two people banged on their door shouting POLICE OPEN UP.  Now, I am not doing anything illegal, but it ramped up my heart rate so much I needed extra meds.  Hope they leave today.  We are here until Thursday 

I am using the Buzz Around scooter, as my right knee has a nasty habit of giving way at the most inopportune times. I can walk with a cane, but it's tiresome and I can't keep up with Chris who is using a scooter.Being temporarily disabled makes me more aware of disability.  I can't open some doors.  I am invisible to people.  People seem to think it's fun, using a scooter. Last night some drunk woman made as if she were jumping on my scooter and said "Oh, I wish I could have one of those"  I said something to the effect that I would trade my knees for hers, but she was giggling and stumbling with her friend. .  Some people's children.

Food here is passable. Gone are any buffets- a victim of Covid- and the places that are open are so slammed they don't have time to properly prepare anything.  Last night, we went to Smashburger and the food was terrible.  I couldn't even eat the sweet potato fries .  They have one size drink with NO refills. The size is small and I wound up giving Chris both drinks. The trash can was overflowing and I think they expect customers to clean and sanitize the tables.  You would think, being one of the few OPEN businesses in this hotel they would hire more people.  We will not eat there again.  We are probably going to the grocery store and bringing back some fixings- no microwave but some kind of food, even if it's sandwiches and potato salad. 

Chris and I are going across the river to Arizona.  There is a museum and a distillery in Kingman that looks like it might be fun.  I hope to post a more upbeat review later on.

Saturday thoughts about nothing

I was thinking the other day about English and how hard it must be to learn if you speak another language.   English is a very confusing language, having been cribbed from other languages, living and dead.   

Take for instance the word "score"   I was thinking about this because of the song " Songbird" by Fleetwood Mac.  She sings  "and the songbird keeps singing like they know the score."  for YEARS, I associated this with the score of a game, the slang would mean that you know what's going on.   It dawned on me, as I was washing my dishes the other day, that it meant a MUSICAL score.  ummm.  I thought about the word itself.  Bear with me, but score can mean:

• A piece of music
• the total points in a game
• to make a cutting in something- like scoring a vegetable to make it pretty
• to make a point in a game

See what I mean?   English can be darn tricky.

There is a coffee cup I have seen online that I think I need.  It says "I am silently correcting your grammar."  Yep.  I have learned over the years that it is not up to me to correct someone when they misspeak, but the thing that makes me crazy is the misuse of "I" and "me"  Frankly, I won't get into parts of speech, because grammar can be boring- except for the class I took at CSUN  taught by poet Ann Stanford  SHE made grammar interesting and important.  

The best way to tell whether to us "Me" or  "I" when you are listing a group of people and you want to include yourself is to drop all the other names and see if you would use one or the other if it stood alone.  I have often found that to be helpful  although I am USUALLY pretty  good with that part of speech.  

Using an adjective when you desperately need an adverb is also a pet peeve.

Still I am happy these days when I actually HAVE human interaction.  I got the first shot yesterday and apart from a sore arm, I am not feeling any adverse effects.    The next one in in late April .  I am looking forward to have this behind me.