Song in my head this morning.

I woke up with this song from Jackson Browne in my head this morning.  I love Jackson.  His lyrics are so beautifully crafted. I often wonder if he works at it or it just flows out of him.  No matter, here is the lyric phrase I was hearing ( From Sky Blue and Black)

 You're the color of the sky
Reflected in each store-front window pane
You're the whispering and the sighing
Of my tires in the rain

You're the hidden cost and the thing that's lost
In everything I do
Yeah and I'll never stop looking for you
In the sunlight and the shadows

And the faces on the avenue
That's the way love is

 I heard the song on Sunday when I was making dinner for my friends. As it was the anniversary of my father's death, I was really thinking about him and my mom on Sunday.   The song got me thinking about people we have lost and whether they are around us when we need them most.  Sometimes, I feel their presence so strongly, it feels as if I could reach out and touch them.Those moments are both a sweet comfort and an agony so great as to cause physical pain.  I wonder if you ever get over this.   Probably not, you just learn to cope and the times when the memories make you laugh or feel warm in your belly outweigh the times when tears burn the corners of your eyes.  I call that an "ambush".  It comes out of nowhere. You are going along just fine then something reminds you and triggers such an incredible rush of sadness you are overcome.  The theme of seeing those we love in the world they left repeats in the Bob Dylan song "You're gonna make me lonesome when you go"

I'll look for you in old Honolulu
San Francisco, Ashtabula
You're gonna have to leave me now, I know

But I'll see you in the sky above
In the tall grass, in the ones I love
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go

It's going to be a busy day for me and I will immerse myself in work I've taken on.  Sleep is a rare commodity these days and coffee, blessed coffee, is my new best friend.

Missing Dad

Five years ago today, my father crossed over to be with my mother; something he longed for every day after she had gone.  To say I miss them both is an understatement, but lately I have been "Channeling" my father, as in  "I open my mouth and my father falls out"  

He had no tolerance for BS.  I find as I am getting older, my tolerance is waning too.  I actually said that someone "couldn't find their backside with both hands at high noon in a hall of mirrors" the other day.  I said something I was served was "as dry as a fart in a windstorm   He had a million sayings like that. He was a very funny guy , I usually appreciated it, but NOT when he chose to be "funny" at my wedding to Chris. He made some crack about how many times he had given me away.  Dad.. Dad.. Dad... ( I'm shaking my head here)

I inherited his sense of humor and his cooking skills.  Nothing makes me happier than cooking a good meal- which I am planning on doing today to celebrate a good friend's birthday ( if you are reading this, you two had better bring your appetite!)  Kate inherited his love of dancing ( and his cooking skills)  I wonder what his namesake, my Bobby, will have of him?  Bobby looks just like him when he laughs.  I bet he is going to be a "ladies man" like my Dad, but I hope he will also be the husband and father my Dad was.  He loved my mother with all his being.  He missed her every day, which is why I am not so sad that he is gone.  I miss him, but they needed to be together.  I am sure the parties over there are incredible!  I bet he has found the Dixieland band and is dancing up a storm.  There HAS to be beer in heaven or he's be back by now.

I miss you, Dad, and even though we "talk" all the time, I would give anything to get a warm pretzel and an even warmer hug from you.

People

I am reading James Lee Burke. He is incredibly well read and makes all sorts of literary  and historical references I have never heard. His books not only entertain, the provide food for thought.  They make me long to visit Iberia Parish, although I fear I would be disappointed not to encounter the people who inhabit his books, so I will continue to visit them with Mr Robichaux. In the book I am reading "Crusader's Cross" he said something about an Orwellian assertion that people are better than we think they are.  I looked around for the actual quote, but didn't find it right away- I'll look deeper later- but it got me to thinking about something I have been pondering lately.

I have had several encounters with artists lately who behave as if they are saving the world because they are creating art.  Now, don't get me wrong and it's not EVERY artist I have come in contact with, but the sense of " I am better qualified to make decisions for you because I  ( fill in the blank with   write poetry, paint, sculpt)"  Just because you are creative in one area does not give you a total lock on the world.  Those of us who are not "artists" have some pretty good ideas too.  A few of these people love to sit back and complain that things are NOT being done the way they should be, but don't lift a finger to effect change.   Maybe I am just jaded or maybe I am sick and tired of people sitting on the sidelines, catcalling, rather than helping.  TELLING me what needs to be done ( as if I didn't know that) is NOT helping.  Getting off your tail and DOING something, THAT is helping.

So, ARE people better than we think they are?  Sometimes.  I am often delighted when someone rises to the occasion in unexpected ways; but as I have grown older I am thinking more on the lines of P.T. Barnum who said something to the effect that you'll never grow broke underestimating the intelligence of the American Public ( insert your Ted Cruz joke here)

Walking away from the Loonies

I don't often "unfriend" someone on Facebook.  Most of the people I know or have known for a long time; some from my distant past some are only "game" friends.   I try to ignore stuff that is only mildly annoying, but yesterday I unfriended  someone who I finally had had enough  of.  Over the last few weeks, she has been nasty about Barrack Obama, to the point where I wonder if she wishes him harm.  Not that she would have the wherewithal to DO anything, but her nasty demeanor in regard to him grated on my nerves and I tried to do the thing where you remain friends but don't see their posts.  Didn't work and YESTERDAY, she posted that if  there were no  "abortion clinics" ( read eliminate Planned Parenthood)  there would be no abortions.  She and another woman posted stories I liken to "fairy tales" about how a woman didn't have an abortion and it solved all her marital problems..  blah blah blah...  I pointed out that women have always sought abortions and that making them unsafe would not stop them.  At some point I realized I was arguing with an idiot and you know the rule there Never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. 

My husband loves these kinds of "discussions" online with people, but frankly I am not fond of them.  Seriously, I want to come home and have a peaceful evening.  I don't mind learning something from someone but this woman drove me crazy.  When I tried to point out history, she denied it.  What is is they say?  Those who don't learn from History are condemned to repeat it.  She must get her information from Fox News.  Their "news-people" really take the cake.  There was a whole discussion that Barrack Obama said he was going to make everyone vote.  Uh.. Hello?  He said that it would be a real game-changer if everyone voted.  They went on and on about how that was infringing on our rights, to be forced to do something we don't want to do.  On that logic, I don't have to pay TAXES, because I sure as hell don't want to do that; but I do because it, like voting, is for the good of this country.

So I will continue to choose what posts to see and hope that I am weeding out the people who have gone around the bend in some way.  People who rant are really energy draining and I have scant little of that these days!

Cookies, movies and and Art SHow

You know that today is the Art Fair up at McGroarty, don't you.  Are YOU are planning on coming out to see the wonderful exhibit, enjoy the ambiance of the house and buy a cookie from me?  Willow and I baked about 50 LARGE sugar cookies, just waiting to be transformed into edible art.  C'mon.. You KNOW you want to....

Last night, we watched The Princess Bride.  It's been a long time since I saw it and I don't remember watching it all the way through.I had read recently a comment on the last line uttered by Peter Falk, who tells his grandson "As you wish" as he leaves the room.  The person who was talking about it speculated that the Grandfather was actually Westley, but I think they got it wrong.  Early in the movie, Buttercup realizes that when Westley says "As you wish" to her, he is really saying "I love you"   I think THAT  is what was meant by the last line.  The movie is full of quotable lines and just a lot of fun to watch.  Hard to believe it's 27 years old.  I remember trying to read the book years ago, but couldn't do it.  I wonder if  I should try to read it again.

It's going to be a full day and I have yet to see the full exhibit, although I have been to the Center numerous times since they  put it up.  I have been running too hard to take the time.    I am trying my best to slow down.  There are things people asked me to help with that I had to decline.  I will do what I can but I need to take time away from volunteering and get more "down" time.  I need to read more and write more.  I need to spend more time getting my house in order and time with my husband.  Chris is a sweet and patient man.  I enjoy his company.  I am also madly in love with him.  We've both been super busy and our hours aren't meshing as much as we might like them to be.  We need a vacation from the world, even if we don't leave Tujunga to do it.

Coffee in the morning...

I get up and make a pot of coffee every morning. It's a ritual and it starts my day, every day.  I should be writing more, but I am uninspired, just tired mostly.  I need to recharge my batteries, but that is not going to happen this weekend.  It's gonna be another busy one.

On Friday, I will be baking cookies for the Art Fair.  If you are reading this, I want you to try to come out to McGroarty Arts Center in Tujunga this Saturday.  The event starts at 10 a.m and runs until 4 pm.  We have local artisans selling their wares and I have the world famous "Paint your own masterpiece" cookie booth. You can decorate a cookie- home baked by moi- edible art!  There is the fabulous art exhibit and stick around for Danielle Eubank's  Flicker and flame workshop.  She will show you how to capture a flame on canvas ( or paper, but you get the idea)  Roasted marshmallows will be featured!  This is a huge fundraiser for the Center, which like most non-profits these days can use all the love it can get.  The Center has been something I have devoted a lot of time and energy to, especially over the last few years.  If you have never been there, this is a great time to come up to the Center.

I have been reading a wonderful book, written by a co-worker Mary McCoy called "Dead to me"  It's a Young Adult book, sort of a mystery.  Very well written and I hope it's the first in a series.  I checked it out of the library, but will be buying my own copy, probably today, from the Library store.  I missed her book-signing event and will have to track her own to get my copy signed; although I think the ones in the store are pre-signed. I recommend the book.

I have been listening to a James Lee Burke novel "Pegasus Descending"  It is set in New Iberia Parish just before Katrina hit.  I like Dave Robicheaux and am enjoying the book, which has more philosophy than I remember.  Dave is much more introspective in this book. He talks about longing for the old days in New Orleans and how things changed after the advent of Crack.  I think about my father when Dave talks about New Orleans.   After my mother died, my father wanted to go and live there, but never quite got the plan together, then almost a year to the day that my mother died, Katrina hit.  I think he would have ultimately been disappointed in the New Orleans he found.  It was not the town he recalled from his wild youth. I am glad he didn't move there, as when his illness hit he would have been on the other side of the country from my sister and me.  I don't know how we would have gotten to him in time to take care of him if he had moved to the Big Easy.

I wonder if there is enough coffee to get me through today.  I can sleep in until seven a.m. tomorrow!  That thought cheers me considerably!

Happy St Patrick's Day and other thoughts

It was a busy weekend, and I am still recovering from it all.  I am not as young as I once was and don't "bounce" like I used to do...

On Saturday, McGroarty Arts Center had their Opening Reception for our Spring Art Show.  I helped with the catering and the bar, as I always do.  The show is beautiful and I am hoping this Saturday's Art Fair will bring in some much needed cash for the Center.  Like most non-profits these days, we are always in need of funds.  I will be baking cookies for the "Paint your own cookie masterpiece" booth.  Come out and support the Center.

On Sunday I was once again at the Last Mile of the LA Marathon. It was interesting as it always is.  I was disappointed in one or two of my volunteers who didn't bother to show up or to call me to tell me that they weren't coming.  Not cool when you have a small work force, but we did a good job of getting the runners hydrated and encouraged all the same.  People ask why I do this every year, as it is a real hassle sometimes.  I do it for that one person who really needs the help to get to the finish line.  We don't see the "winner" but the people we see are true WINNERS in my book.  Those people crying with every step, their face a mask of determination.  We tell them they are about a 1/2 mile out ( which is true, even though the station is Mile 25, we are probably closer to 26)  We stayed until the very end of the race and drove back to the Los Feliz area for the "reward" of  dinner at my favorite place ( that was open) Palermo.  The food and the company made the long day much better.

I had a dream that I forgot today was St Patrick's day until I got to work and realized I wasn't  "Wearing the Green"  ARGH!  I will be wearing a bright green t-shirt to work- ERIN GO BRAGH!  My family hails from County Caven, St Patrick's Parish.  I am an American of Irish descent every day, but more-so on March 17.  I am reminded of my heritage; my Dad used to tell me "You're a McCue, remember that" when times got tough for me.  We are made of sterner stuff.  So today I will make corned beef and cabbage and celebrate with a tot of Bushmill's .  I may make soda bread.  Whatever you do today, have a great one!

Road trip, or things I learned in Laughlin

My sweet husband decided I needed a vacation ( I did) and booked a weekend getaway to Laughlin, where I had never been.  I haven't been very many places in my life.  Sadly, my first husband had been everywhere and didn't want to go back to see anything with me. Chris wants to go everywhere I have never been and we have been creating a small list of those places; Laughlin and Oatman were on that list.

I know, you're saying "Oatman"?  My Dad always said I should go, just to see the wild burros in the street.  It's a faux Western town, total tourist trap, with wooden sidewalks and mock gunfights in the street. The burros were sweet and tame and stood there while you scratched their heads.  Some of them wanted the little hay squares we bought from the vendor, but I suspect most of them really wanted something more interesting, like Kettle corn or potato chips.  They would take the proffered square, then drop it.  ah well.  I gave half the bag to some delighted kids who ran off to try to feed the burros.  It was a perfect day, not too hot and not too cold and I really enjoyed the trip through the desert, talking about how the people who made the movie "Cars" must have been out that way, as a lot of the landscape reminded me of the background in the movie.

The whole point of the trip, for me, was to get some rest. I took a longer than I planned nap and by the time I woke up, most of the food places were on the verge of closing.  We looked on Yelp and found a place with terrible photos but great reviews,Bumbleberry Flats.  We went and were delighted by the food.  Our waiter, Peter was sweet and enthusiastic , HOW he managed that level of enthusiasm at midnight is beyond me.  I recommend this as a go-to if you are ever in Laughlin.  I also have a dire warning....

We took the water taxi to the Colorado Belle.  The water taxi was terrific, the weather was perfect and the trip up the river was just what I had hoped it would be.  We got to the Belle and that's where the trouble started.  I have never met more negative people as a group than those who work at the Belle and the Edgewater.  The buffet at the Belle was closed ( something they neglected to TELL us and we wandered all over before finding the shuttered restaurant)  We didn't WANT pizza or burgers, so we went over to the Edgewater.  Here is where the caution comes in.  Don't.  Just DON'T!  where do I begin with the level of misery that was their sad little buffet?  The stale bagels (my Dad used to call bagels "cement doughnuts" but these had been sitting out for who knows how long and were dry as a fart in a windstorm to boot)  The huge block of  "Smoked salmon" that was tasteless?  The lack of fresh ANYTHING????  When I asked the waitress what this particular dessert was- it appeared to be some kind of cake in a cup with a mysterious compote on it- she replied "They don't let us eat the food here."  WHAT???? My first thought was they didn't want the help getting sick! The best thing was the cake that looked like it came from an offsite bakery and the two mimosas I had.    When I went to he restroom in the casino, the custodian was complaining LOUDLY how people were pigs, accompanied by grunting noises.  Seriously?  You are insulting people as they walk in?  I looked at her and she said, " oh not everyone".  I know that this is not your dream job and it can be frustrating, but if you are unhappy you need to find something else.  The whole vibe of the Edgewater was one of decay and unhappiness, as if they put new paint over old without bothering to clean what was beneath. It made me uncomfortable and we went back to Harrah's where the staff seemed to be having a great time and the vibe was MUCH better.

I am still trying to find that hour we lost on Saturday night.....

Fat Shaming

Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I'm supposed to do
'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places

I've always been a curvy girl, even in Elementary school, when I started to "develop" as they used to say, I had curves.  Yesterday, a person I had worked with and considered a friend saw me and said  "what happened to you?  You used to be on some kind of diet all the time, but now..." and she let her eyes travel the length of my body.  Yeah I have put on weight, menopause and happy living will do that to you, but she made me feel bad and it got me to thinking about fat shaming.

I posted the little rant about it on my FB page and one of my friends, Stacey K. Black, reminded me that "fat" is just an adjective, not an insult.  When did carrying a bit of softness become shameful?  When did that extra ounce of suppleness become a major crime against humanity?  Why do we look at people who aren't magazine models and think negative thoughts about them?  Truth to tell, magazine models aren't really that thin either, most are probably airbrushed.

We need to change how we look at people, as if "fat" people are somehow less than the rest of the skinny-mini nation.  At 103 pounds in High School, I was still considered the fat one.  I had thighs and boobs and an ample backside.    It didn't help when I married a man who seemed to expect that marriage to him would suddenly morph me into a tall, leggy blonde. 

I am a collector of words, so this morning I am trying to think of words that have positive connotations in regard to size:

 "Fat" as in a fat purse or wallet.  Wasn't it fashionable a few years ago to say "Phat" as a positive comment?  I was thinking about Lula from the Stephanie Plum novels who embraces her Big Black Beautiful self, but she DOES go ballistic about being name-called as "fat".  Lula squeezes herself into tiny cloths and has no problem showing her curves.

"Voluptuous"  I dated a guy who said it was "petite and voluptuous" versus "short and fat"   Always liked that guy, and I try to embrace that, although another guy, who called me to ask me out said that those two words cancelled each other out and there was no way I could be both.  I declined the date.

"Bountiful"  and "ample" The words connote a level of a wealth of comfort, don't they?

"Zaftig'   Literally "Softy"  Get a hug from me and you will experience a zaftig-ness like no other.

Do I feel uncomfortable with my weight?  Well yes and no.  I know that I will never be the tiny girl I once was, but frankly I ate next to nothing to maintain that frame, borderline anorexic.  I am 56 years old and my metabolism isn't what it once was.  Do I need to exercise more?  Yes, Yes I do and I need to find more time in my day to get the exercise I think I need.  I also need to make exercise fun.  Gotta work on that.

I am going to work on embracing the idea that "fat" is just another adjective; to try to change the "programming" that being overweight is something to be ashamed of.  We need to look at the other fine qualities we bring to the table, along with our appetite!