What's going on- so far

Stop reading right now if you are one of the people who complained that my blogs and my FB page are getting a bit, shall we say.. DARK?    I am moving toward sunlight, but the journey is  still a bit dark.

Yesterday, I met with the surgeon who will remove the possible pre-cancerous "somethings" from my right breast.  The possibility of them turning cancerous is more likely than not, so we are taking out the lumps as soon as we can get it scheduled. I will NOT be making any plans that cannot be canceled at a moment's notice.  They say they will give me two days.   I have to stop taking certain supplements and not take other things at all.

I am ready.

My surgeon is a young woman.  I probably have shoes older than her, but I got an immediate sense of her skills and her humor and I trust that she will take good care of me.  It's important to feel that way, don't you think?  She was more informative than the last surgeon, who I am fairly sure was the Undead.  He had NO bedside manner, although he was a good surgeon.  He neglected to tell me ALL that would happen.  She laid out the steps and we laughed a bit about how they need to put a Styrofoam cup over the guide-wire they will insert prior to the actual surgery.  She told me that she HOPES not to find anything and that nothing has spread to my lymph nodes.  We are doing the minimum right now as it looks like it's NOT cancer- YET. I am going into this with a positive outlook for a quick removal and NOTHING ELSE.

Still , cancer ain't no joke and I will repeat EARLY DETECTION is the key to a great survival rate.   I have wonderful friends who care and a husband who will not leave my side during this whole procedure.  I think recovery will be a few days and I am planning on reading and sleeping , A LOT. Hell of a way to get a vacation!  If you have any books you are recommending, fire away!

Fear means Face Everything And Rise

Why don't we allow ourselves to acknowledge that we are afraid?  Yesterday, after receiving the devastating, yet half-expected news that while the "somethings" are not cancerous, the operative word in the sentence is YET and I will be undergoing surgery to remove them; a coworker chastised me for expressing my fear and called me a wimp.  That hurt and I didn't know what to say.  Explaining seemed pointless and I suppose I should be more circumspect in future dealings with this person.

I think we should be allowed to express that we are afraid without judgement.  I find my strength when I talk with others who are like-minded, I suppose.  I hope I never belittle anyone who says they are afraid of something and that in talking I help them get past the fear into the "doing".

I have been called a wimp and a chicken my entire life.  It's hard, but there it is. I have always believed true courage is being afraid and doing it anyway.  The person I was speaking with probably hasn't been afraid of anything in her entire life.  I have NO idea what that feels like. I do what needs to be done, afraid or not.  There are people who have never been afraid of anything.  Bully for them.  I am not one of them.

I didn't start out to make this a confessional, but I suppose I needed to say something about it.  Yes, I am afraid.  It's surgery.  I am resolved that I will have a successful outcome and the little hoodlums hanging out in the lower part of my right breast will NOT be around to turn into cancer.   I have had this surgery before, about eleven years ago. I think I know what to expect.  I meet with the surgeon today and I hope she will understand that what I think I need is JUST the lumpectomy, since there is no evidence of cancer.

This morning, I will allow myself tears, then pick myself up and dust myself off and meet the challenge head on, as I always do.  Courage is NOT the absence of fear and FEAR means Face Everything and Rise

NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER

Four beautiful words, from my medical chart, yesterday.  I didn't realize how much I had been holding my breath for the last week until my doctor shared the chart entry with me.  I went to see my pulmonologist and told him I had had an asthma attack, probably due to the stress, over the weekend. The lab had not called me.  He told me the results were in and asked if I wanted to know them.  I almost screamed, but I am sure I whispered "yes"  He showed me my records.   My own doctor was off yesterday, which probably accounts for me not getting the GOOD NEWS from her; heck I don't even know if she knows what's been going on it happened that fast.  I expect to hear today.  I know I will need a followup mammo in six months but the relief is just hitting me.

This is the reason I get a mammo done every year.  AS I noted, the first time was really early detection and I am grateful.  I have a dandy scar on my left breast to remind me that I won and cancer lost.  There's a song that says "Scars are souvenirs you never lose"  When I first got the scar, I was embarrassed for it to be seen, but now I consider it a badge of honor.  During this time of waiting, I was thinking of all the people who went through and are going through this now.  I am truly blessed with a large community of friends whose love and support meant and MEAN a lot to me.  May I return the love and support, should it ever be needed.

It's somehow appropriate that seven years ago today, we lost our Dad to cancer.  I love you, Dad and miss you every day.  Hoist one in Heaven to celebrate this good news today.  Hope the beer is better than Budweiser!

The White Tiger

There is a story about Lenin, I think, who in conversation with his little brother, challenged him NOT to think about the white tiger.  When he asked his brother a few minutes later what he was thinking of he blurted out "the White Tiger"

I had the biopsy yesterday.  I have a good chance that it is NOT cancer- in my mind anyway and stats are at about 80%  that it is not, so I am feeling stronger about this- but I won't know ANYTHING until next Wednesday, so until then I will try NOT to think about my "white Tiger"  I am a "planner", but I am trying NOT to think about the next move until I have more information and the expert advice of the medical staff.   Cancer gallops in my family, but given early detection, if it IS cancer, I have a 100% chance of recovery.

Look at me, quoting statistics!

I want to say I had first rate care yesterday and after an initial problem with not enough lidocaine, which caused me to utter my favorite swear word, all went well.  I want to thank Cathy and Cindy for being there all the way.  Cathy held my hand tight when the needles went in.  I don't like needles, which is why I don't have tattoos, among other things.  Thought about it, realized they hit you with a needle for several hours so.. naw...  I am sore in the spot of the incision, but recovering. Today I have two more, unrelated appointments.  I am not at work today because I would have had to leave around ten to get to them and frankly I am still a bit edgy about driving long distances.  I'll be better tomorrow.

My weekend is filled with things to do, an "Angel Circle" class this evening which will certainly help.  The community of friends I have there is soothing and I know I will feel better after being with them.  Looking forward to seeing Ronny and Michael at their wine tasting event. Sunday. Their love and good humor is just the tonic I will need- oh and more WINE, like I need it!

I will try to do some writing, some reading and just relax for a change.  I am reading a book of short stories, based on the paintings of  Edward Hooper called "In Sunlight or Shadow"    Some of the stories are quite good, others may take a re-read.  I am studying the craft of short-story writing.  Maybe I should give it a try and take an online class. I need to work my writing muscle more. It's a bit flabby.

I may have spoken too soon

On Monday, I had a mammo, and the tech gave me a hug and said "I'll see you next year"  I went home and Tuesday morning wrote a blog about it, reminding everyone to GET THE BOOBIES CHECKED. On Tuesday afternoon, I got a call from radiology.  Apparently, they found "Something" and I needed to come in.  They did a lot of manipulation and indeed there are about four small "somethings" hanging out in the lower part of my right breast.  The doctor explained that this configuration was "Suspicious" ( I could not help but envision hoodlum wiseguys hanging out and plotting to become cancer)

The biopsy is this morning at 9:15.

Now I KNOW I have a 50/50 shot at this being either calcification, no malignancy, or cancer in the early stages and either way the odds, as they say, are ever in my favor.  I will NOT say I am not terrified, that I am not sitting here holding back tears.  I'm really not that brave.  I AM resolute.  I will have excellent care today.  My husband will not leave my side.  I have the love and support of wonderful friends and my angels will surround me and keep me calm during all of this.

Whatever happens, some good will come of this.  If you have NOT had your checkup, please schedule yourself as soon as you can.  Do it for me.  Do it for yourself.  Do it for those who love you and need you.

I love you all.   Think good thoughts   I will post what I hope is good news the moment I have it, sometime next week.

Mammograms

Not a pretty or happy topic, but since I had mine yesterday, I need to talk about them.

I had my FIRST mammo at age 46- six years AFTER the recommendation of the AMA for people with family history of breast cancer.  Around the time I turned 43, my mother was diagnosed with a pea-sized lump of cancer and they were able to treat it with radiation after they removed it.  She was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's then as well, but that is a story for another day.  I didn't think of having a mammo myself then, although I should have.  No. That epiphany came on the subway when I ran into a friend - fellow Pinecrest Mom-Shari.  I hadn't seen her in ages.  Our kids went to Pinecrest together - again another story that will come with a rant about how SOME private schools just take your money and the teachers aren't really qualified to teach.   I asked her how she was and she said , out of the blue, that she was fine, that they had gotten the cancer early and she was responding well to treatment. HUH?   I had not seen her in a very long time.  It's funny, I used to see her every day on the subway, but hadn't in a while, so I wonder if some cosmic force sent her in my direction that day.  Bells went off in my head, "Get a mammo"  So I did.

I had heard that they were painful, but I will say uncomfortable is all they have ever been.  After the exam , I was told to wait until my "pictures" came out.   The tech came back and said that I needed to see the doctor, that they had found"something"The doctor concurred that there were THREE "somethings" and I would need a biopsy.  I felt like a car on the lube rack as the doctor took a sample from my left breast sitting in a well below the examining table.  THAT hurt, but I gritted my teeth.  He did give me Novocain, but My breasts are denser than most and it only worked partially.  I have addressed this in subsequent biopsies.

They found something enough to determine pre-cancer and scheduled surgery.  They told me if they found ANY cancer, they would remove my breast in surgery.  I swallowed hard and said ok, let's do this.  The surgery went well, the lumps were removed and they had not yer turned, so no radiation therapy was needed.  I was lucky.

I saw Shari one last time on the subway.  I told her she saved me and hugged her.  I stopped taking the subway soon after that, but I am always grateful for our encounter. I always schedule my mammo in April, and as a little remembrance joke I quote  T. S. Eliot's  "the Wasteland"  which begins "April is the cruelest month"  It reminds me to do it.  Some people have it their birthday month; making breast health a birthday gift.  Whenever you do it  DO IT.  I urge men whose mothers- or fathers- have had breast cancer and YES men DO get it, to talk to their doctor about getting the exam as well.  It's uncomfortable for me, it might be painful for you, but it's soon over and the peace of mind in knowing you are doing something to fight a disease that will KILL you if left unchecked is worth a few moments of pain, don't you think?

Erin Go Bragh!

Happy St Patrick's Day!   I got up and put the corned beef in the crock pot.  I will have to remember to turn ON the pot before I leave for work, but I have been thinking this morning about all things Irish, including me.

I am the descendant of James McCue and Margaret Ward McCue, who came to this country from County Caven around the turn of the Century.  This means that my people survived the Famine in Ireland somehow.  James was born in Scotland ( I suspect his mother was Scot and she went home to have her first baby among her people) He either worked for or was fostered to the Ward family and fell in love with Margaret.  He came to America under rather murky circumstances and Margaret followed soon after.  They were married in Pennsylvania, where they had 18- yes ONE - EIGHT- children, including three sets of twins.  HE must have been in the Sein Fenn or something, because at one point, someone came to Margaret and threatened her that if she didn't sign over the family farm to this person, he would make trouble.  James was gone somewhere ( I never did find out just WHERE) so she did it. When James returned ( I was told he was gone for two years, which makes their proliferation even MORE telling), he got the farm back.  She died at 42, he lived a bit longer.  He always used to tell my dad, his grandson that "If Ireland were so bloody good, we'd still be there ( my dad would put on his Irish brogue, so the last word came out as "Thar") and "The only time I would return would to be to shoulder musket against the Brit"  No wonder his daughter who was my grandmother and my other grandmother, who was of Scot-English descent never got along.

I think I got my stubborn gene from them , but also my storytelling gene and some of my fierceness from them. I always warn people "don't piss me off, it's not pretty." I have a slow temper these days, but when I "get my Irish up" LOOK OUT!

So today I will listen to one of my favorite Irish- American bands "The Young Dubliners" and eat and American version of an Irish dish.  Did you know that corned beef was used to substitute for bacon in the icky "Bubble and Squeak"?  Neither did I, although I always knew that beef is NOT something in high supply in Ireland.   It's more lamb than beef.  Sheep are the livestock, not cattle.   Irish Stew is a lamb stew.  I will also be "raising the wrist"  with a wee dram ( or two, it IS Friday) of Bushmill's, my favorite Irish whiskey.  Sláinte mhaith!

Women's clothes

Why, pray tell, are there NO standard sizes to women's clothing?  A friend who asks random questions on her website as part of her giveaways asked "what size shoe do you wear?  had to say, in all honestly "from a 7 to an 8 depending on the makers"  Weird, huh?  I was in the store the other day, buying a new pair of jeans for this trip, as all my others look like they went a few rounds with moths.  Now I KNOW a lot of manufacturers actually deign jeans so they are "distressed" but mine are in full panic mode.  I needed a new pair, so I grabbed tow size 14 ( yes 14, I'm voluptuous, deal with it)  One pair fit just fine, but I really liked the color of the other so I tried to get into them.  TRIED is the operative word in THAT sentence.  They fit, barely, and made me look like a sausage tied in the middle. Different brands.  Is it any wonder that women are conflicted?  I think they should have standard sizing.  PLEASE don't think that calling a size 14 a size 0 is a good idea that will help me with my low self esteem.  The clothing industry is contributing to it by NOT making things the same everywhere.  If I am a size 14 and can't get into a size 14 in some clothing, that pisses me off , but other women may question their body shape if they didn't understand the clothing industry is not making everything the same all over.  I've been told it is because a lot of our clothing is made in Asian markets and that Asian women are different than Western women,  Bullshit.  If you are making something for the American market there should be a standard size.  I hate going back to the rack to get a larger size, so if the size fits me in one piece, but not another, guess which one I am going to buy?

Elections

We had municipal elections this week and for the most part, they are over with two positions being yet undecided.  I am glad it is somewhat over, as I was sick to death of the mailers and the phone calls.  I know who I am going to vote for for the school board, but since I live in a district with a council runoff as well , the fun is just beginning, as both moneyed candidate tries to win my vote.

Here's the deal.  I didn't vote for either of them, even though I knew the person I voted for had what my Dad would have called "a snowball's chance"   ( that's short for "a snowball's chance in Hell" which I think is wildly amusing as I envision a snowball taking it's chances in the Netherworld)  I suppose I need to decide which I am going to vote for.   I'd like to take a moment here to address both candidates:

Please, do not default to name calling or shaming here.  We've had enough schoolyard politics in the last few election cycles, both nationally and locally to last a lifetime.  I am NOT voting for the "lesser of two evils" or as I like to think of it, the lesser of two weasels, but I want the person who will be BEST for my community.  Not best by default, but the person whose vision of the future is clear and direct and inspires me.  Maybe that's too much to ask, but I tell you this, I will probably wind up voting for the one who stays more above board.  Neither candidate for CD7 thrills me.  I am so jaded by the whole process that I am weary of it.  So, Monica and Karo, tell me why YOU should have my vote, not why the other candidate shouldn't.

I am not looking forward to the deluge of mail I will receive.  I will glance at it, make note of the claims, then toss it into the "recycle"bin,   I will try to attend one candidate forum, which are sometimes like going to the circus around here- they really should have peanut vendors, I swear.  Whoever is elected has a tough nut to crack.  Our last Council member devastated the community with disservice then fled for a cushy job as a lobbyist in Sacramento, so if we are skeptical up here in the foothills, you can see the reason.

 May can't come soon enough.

The Outsiders

I saw this morning that a book I truly loved as a pre-teen and, I suppose as a teen, is turning 50.  Wow.  The Outsiders, by S.E. Hinton;   I read that book so often I could quote from it.  It was like no other book that was being marketed at the time and I really believe began the movement toward what we at the Library call Young Adult fiction.  Before that, books were about chaste maidens who found and married their first boyfriend, or maybe Nancy Drew.  These were not real people to me, but Ponyboy and his extended family were.  It was a book that made me want to be a writer and although I never really became one, the impact of that book stays with me.  I never did see the film made from the book and I suppose it's better that way.  I see Emilio Estevez played Two-bit, for instance.  Uh.. No offense,but Two Bit was a BLOND.  Ralph Machio as Johnny?  Not in my book.  I don't know how, or IF I would have cast them, but they are so vivid in my mind's eye, I am glad I never had to.

I wonder if teens are still reading the book, pressed into their hands by YA Librarians and parents who read the book as pre-teens and teens themselves?  I wonder if it has become as distant as  oh say Cathcer in the Rye, which is a "classic" but was a world I looked at "through a glass darkly"  Most YA books these days seem to be dystopian novels, with classic heroes or heroines who triumph over the situation they are in , much like Pony did, I suppose.   I really am tired of dystopian  novels.  The market is flooded with them.

Hinton wrote several other novels, which took place in the same neighborhood, but in my opinion never reached the passion of her first novel.  They were good, and I read them, but I did not re-read them dozens of times, as I did "The Outsiders"  That book holds a special place in my heart to this day.  Maybe I should re-read it....