April 29

 April is the cruelest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with spring rain.

T.S. Eliot.  The Wasteland

It's  the end of April and a strange month it has been.

We have been in our homes, silent warriors in a battle for which we seem to be poorly prepared.  If you know me or have read ANY of this blog for the past three plus years, you KNOW how I feel about the current American "leadership", so this morning, I will try to think of other, hopefully more "hopeful " things

On this day, 34 years ago, a guy named Harry Peak "allegedly" snuck into the stacks of ( I believe) the Science and Technology Department ( I might be misremembering what I was told, but go with me here)  and lit the fire that burned the beloved Central Library.  It was horrific, with every fire company in the City responding.  It took a long time before staff could get back in.  

Like any great tragedy, the loss and devastation at Central galvanized certain sections of the public.  Help came from all over and in unusual places.  If politics makes strange bedfellows, so do tragedies.  I Would like to think that the odd partnerships that arose from that time, although fleeting in many cases, gave each person involved a compassion and insight that helps them in their current "day-to-day"

Compassion almost always arises out of tragedy and we become the people we really can be, if the Seven Deadly Sins aren't the thing driving us.  True humanity can spring from this.

Which is where I am making my rather belabored point about today's reality.  This pandemic is, hopefully, temporary.  It had impacted the entire world. I am ashamed that the person in charge of this country seems to think of it as a way to increase whatever the hell it is that is important to HIM ( Money? Check, Status? Check? Braggadocio?  CHECK AND CHECK)  Most of us who can are asking how we can help.

In my small community, people are working with local restaurants to donate meals and other goods.  After this is over, I am GOING to both those places and spending a good deal of cash, tipping staff!  It makes me proud to see how my neighbors are pulling together, except for that winebar owner who is opening his business on Friday.  When it was pointed out that he was breaking the law and not taking things into account regarding the safety of the community, he responded that he did not care.  I hope people stay away in droves.

This will end.  We will be out in the world, social distancing and wearing masks for a while.  "Normal" is a concept we apply to our lives that has no basis in real time.  Let as many of us get back across this as we possibly can.

I'm With Joe! Part 1

I am trying to come up with concise answers to why- other than the OBVIOUS ORANGE ELEPHANT in the room- why we should elect Joe Biden the Next President.

I decided,the best way, would be to go to to Biden's website and take one part of his initial proposals and discuss what they mean to me.  This IS after all MY BLOG and it is all about ME.

Here goes.  Women's  and healthcare issues;

• Giving Americans a new choice, a public health insurance option like Medicare. If your insurance company isn’t doing right by you, you should have another, better choice — and it should cover contraception and respect our constitutional right to choose.

He's right to try to ease healthcare for all into the mix, I think.  So many of us currently have it as part of an employment benefit, it will take a while to untangle it within our contracts.  The thing I Think about is IF we lose our jobs and thereby our benefits, replacement healthcare should become available right away.  I know, I know, this makes it a two tiered system at present, but  I think phases makes sense on some level.  The choice for contraception should NEVER  EVER be your employers right over you.  ( we used to say if men got pregnant, contraception would be a sacrament)

• Lowering costs so that buying medicine and paying medical bills don’t bankrupt families. You shouldn’t have to choose between putting food on the table or filling your prescriptions. 

I thank GOD- and the City of LA- for my healthcare coverage.  Before we got married and my husband did not have coverage, MOST of his money went toward insulin and diabetic supplies to keep him alive.  Not healthy, just alive.  My current costs make a better life possible for him and by extension our family.  When Nixon made Healthcare a Big FOR Profit entity, he sent us down the road, where only the rich can afford it.

• Working to codify Roe v. Wade.

• Abortion is not new, but thanks to Roe v. Wade, it makes it safe for women who must for whatever reason seek that option.  I am SICK of hearing the cavalier response of men who think that ALL women who seek abortion are doing it for birth control.  I had a fetus die, but not expel and it was causing a toxemia. It almost killed me. I was grateful for the women's health clinic who were able to perform the operation that by law at the time, could NOT have been done in the hospital ( this was years ago and I hope, but do not know if the laws are different, but still  I would not be here typing this and my daughter and grandsons would not be here either.  Roe v. Wade protects women from dying as they did when my grandmother was a young woman and desperate women used cayenne pepper laced knitting needles into their uteruses to try to abort.  

• Side note- I think the anti quarantine crowd screaming about the Government Controlling Their BODY is just more than a wee bit ironic.
  
  
• 
  
Supporting the repeal of the Hyde Amendment.
• 
  
• 
  
  
  
   See above comments.  Being raped is terrible, your mind and your body are assaulted.  Now you have to carry your rapists baby to term and in SOME states give him "parental rights".  People say "oh then to get an abortion, women will claim rape." NOT if they leave Roe V. Wade ALONE!!!!!

• Reducing our unacceptably high maternal mortality rate, which disproportionately affects women of color. 

There is a health crisis in this country and women of color are, as usual on the short end of the stick.  I do not understand it, I have not really looked into the entire situation enough to speak to it in any informed way.  Suffice it to say, we need to look at WHY and DO SOMETHING.  I am tired of hearing we are the best nation in the world and yet HALF of our population is not getting the care some rich people give their poodles...

• Restoring federal funding for Planned Parenthood, including through Medicaid and Title X. 

Ah, Planned Parenthood.  Did you KNOW, or even CARE that MOST of the services PREVENT unplanned pregnancies?  Did you know they do cancer screenings, both cervical and breast? AND they provide contraceptives to those who need them?  Do you KNOW that, or are you too busy listening to people screaming about BABY KILLERS to pay attention to their REAL mission.  Low cost women's healthcare.  Preventing pregnancy is important. Helping women stay healthy?  More so.

So there it is.  I'm on a quest to evaluate what Joe has to say in these beginning stages of his campaign.  I know the ultimate platform from the Democrats will probably adjust this to encompass all sides of the party.    I am ever hopeful  and 

I'M WITH JOE!

ANGRY?? You bet!

So, here I am  staying home, because I am so high risk it is not even funny.  Over the weekend Fat Donnie, the orange shitgibbon who tweets from his golden toilet, encouraged his minions to go out and protest the quarantine.  The Kicker?  ONLY in states with Democratic Governors.

I see people posting all kind of shit and it's making me so angry I am using swear-words in this blog, which I do not normally do.  Normally, I try to be clever- witty even-and reasonable, but I am SO FREAKING PISSED at some of this nonsense I can't see straight.

1- The Corona virus is not killing people and it's all a Liberal scheme to get control ( yeah the entire world has come up with this huge plot to overthrow Fat Donnie)  NEXT

2  the news media is printing false information to keep us in our homes (this shit on Facebook, not credible media sources and SPOILER ALERT  Fox is not a credible source).NEXT

3  Fat Donnie knows more about medicine than the doctors and his handpicked team will tell up when it's safe to go back to work ( yeah  there isn't a SINGLE doctor on his team . unless you count Jared, who has experience Playing doctor with Ivanka- maybe) and LASTLY

4.We need to go back to work and our employers know what's best for us. ( big Business is losing money because you are not there, the millionaires are not worried about YOU they are concerned with their bottom line and you are expendable)


All these people whining about not being able to go to concerts or restaurants or to the beach who are now saying that since THEY   are healthy, they should be able to go.  Yeah carry it back to those of us who might not be able to fight it off.  I want those things too, but not at the cost of my life or someone elses/

They are saying "My body, my rights"  welcome to having a uterus.

Selfish bastards.

I am going to listen to my Mayor and my governor. That THING in the White House is just rying to appease his "friends" in the 1 %.

Quarantine Day... Whatever

we begin another week in quarantine.  I think that says it all.  I am going a wee bit stir crazy, but am working 9 hours days and frankly working this was is exhausting.  The need to stay busy, doing the work they are paying me for gets to be too much.  But it is what it is.

People say they are learning a new language or creating things.  Me?  I'm clearing up emails and tracking work.  It IS a normal part of my job, but I miss the interaction with my 72 seniors who call me to ask questions or get something fixed.   I hate paperwork.  I am sure there arte people out there who love it.

I wonder when all this will be over.  They cannot say and every time we think the news is good, it gets bad.  It;s hard to hold onto hope, when it's more like a ping-pong ball than a thing with wings.

I am hoping that this is done before June, that we will have a respite, and some kind of vaccine.  I think the Germans were working on something, and give it the the Germans, they can be pretty smart ( DISCLAIMER- my grandfather came from Germany)   Hope a vaccine or something can be done soon.  The anti-vaxers, or whatever name they are calling themselves these days will still rely on herd immunity, but just HOW do we get that immunity?  VACCINES!  sigh.

Back to work in a few.  I am making a  list of all the people I need to have over to dinner and all the places I need to go to when all this is over!

It's a LONG list.

new routines

Every workday morning, my alarm goes of at 6 am.  Sometimes I wake up before it goes off and I am thankful.  I am beginning to resent the relentless beeping until I can reach across my nightstand and FIND the button.  It is an unpleasant way to start off. 

I put on my robe and slippers and pad downstairs to make coffee and to think about what I am making for dinner.  yeah.  at 6 a.m.   I am looking in the freezer and the fridge to decide what to do about it.  I sit down at my computer and check my personal email and answer a few posts.  I do a breathing treatment during all of this and I drink at least ONE cup of coffee.  I am supposed to be limiting what how much coffee I am drinking,  but it is my only saving grace, so coffee it is.  I eat something while I am writing this blog which I am TRYING to do every day. 

I wait for the anxiety medications to kick in and I log into my daily work assignment.  It's hard to work from home.  I miss the camaraderie and the daily emergencies that make up the bulk of my job.  I was NOT cut out for paperwork.  I loathe it.

This staying inside is getting to me, but it's still raining.  Once it stops, I SWEAR I am taking a camp chair and a mask and sitting in the sun in the carport.  The family in #4 smokes like they own stock in the Marlboro Company, so sitting in the courtyard is right out.  They ALWAYS have their door open.  Their relationship with one another is LOUD, if you get my drift.  Apartment life.  Sometimes, they really make me miss living in a house..

I'd better get ready to go to work.  I DO wear work clothes- not mu usual dresses but I am NOT in sweats or PJs- although I do wear fuzzy socks, but I AM in my house and I don't wear shoes in my house.

Today is Good Friday.  I will take a moment at some point today to reflect on what that means around the world, and to me.  More on Easter thoughts this weekend.

If I don't "see" you HAPPY EASTER!!!!

April

I    In al of this, I had forgotten that April is National Poetry Month.   I always think about T.S. Eliot, "April is the cruelest Month" the opening lines to The Wasteland.  this morning, I read the first section" The Burial of the dead"  The Wasteland is a LONG poem and is best eaten in sections.   I like Eliot, and the first section of this poem is the perfect reflection of my mood these days; filled with reflection and longing.  I particularly "feel" the German passages  , especially Oed and leer das Meer, which I translate as Vast and empty is the sea.  I may be wrong, my German is a bit rusty, but it strikes a chord with me, nonetheless.

      As far as poets go, I love Charles Bukowski  ( it turns out a lot of what I write sounds like I am trying to mimic him, I'm NOT, it's just the way I write) and Mary  Oliver, whom I only recently was introduced to.  I'm sorry I didn't find her sooner.

           So, in this Cruelest month, where we are home  maybe reading and maybe reflecting and maybe celebrating poetry and its impact on our souls, whom do you suggest I read next.  I want someone new, not someone I would have already studied.  I have a degree in English!

                 Please comment and share your favorites!

You've gotta have faith

The dictionary defines faith as a noun, meaning a belief in someone or something: simple as that.   This week is Holy Week if you are a Christian, it's also Passover ( which is connected to what happened to Christ as he was home to celebrate Passover when they finally caught up with him. The Last Supper was probably a Seder gathering, but I digress, as usual)

I have been thinking this week a lot about the difference between faith as a noun and Faith as a Religion.  You can HAVE faith and be an atheist, a belief in something, just not God or a god.  To be honest, faith that it will be ok is what gets me out of bed in the morning.  I am, if you have not figured it out by now, a Christian, but I don't follow any particular form of it, I just believe.  I know there are those among my readers who do not believe and that's ok.  As the kids says , you do you.  Just leave me alone in my faith.  I don't like those among the Christian "Faithful" who condemn others.  I often think "who would Jesus hate?"  Since his greatest command was "Love ye one another"I'm gonna say no one.  So if you are a practicing Christian, please check yourself, maybe refer to John 13:34 if you are unclear on the concept.

I kind of got preachy here, sorry.

 I think in these times, we all have some sort of faith; faith in each other, faith in ourselves, faith that it WILL get better. It does not have to be a faith in the sense of an Almighty.  I think we need to lift each other up in these times.  That's the best kind of faith there is.

Hang in there.

Will Tuesday be good News day, or another paying dues day

I am NOT coping with being stuck in the apartment.  I thought I was doing ok but....

The chest pains are back in full force and no matter what I do about them- taking my doctor's advice- I can't seem to get them under control unless I go upstairs and lay down and since I am supposed to be working, that is not something I can do all the time.  I think I have my mother's Protestant work ethic weighing heavily on me.

Yesterday, Chris was trying to suggest something to help.  Poor Chris, I exploded on him when he suggested I try oil painting, which was something he did with his family and enjoyed.  I have NO TALENT whatsoever in the arts world   I know.  I have tried.  I just find it frustrating that I can't seem to make what is in my head appear on the  paper or the canvas.  I felt, and still feel, badly that I unloaded on him.  He's a good man and he was trying to help.

Sigh.


I just read an article in the New York Times that said STOP trying to be productive.  It outlines the reasons we THINK we have all this extra time and think we can do something with it.  We are beating ourselves up for not taking on a new hobby, learning a language, making home repairs, doing whatever it was we thought we could do with the"extra" time. The reality is  that in the "Extra" time we are coping with the new reality of our lives during the quarantine.  Sure, I have rearranged my pantry and am eyeing my spice rack, but anything else?  Nope.  I haven't even READ, which is my passion.  I have been watching bad TV but just how many episodes of Forensic Files and the First 48 are there?  ( I have already gone through all of the Say Yes to The Dress and  "Love it or List it")  I am watching baking shows and become addicted to the trashy "Married at First sight" which is part science experiment and part Maury Povich.  Tomorrow night is the final episode. I have my bets as to who stays together and who walks into Divorce Court.

I realized at some point that the "horrible commute" was my "down time", I listened to books or sang along with old music or talked to friends via my Bluetooth in my car.  That is gone now. I really think it helped me to decompress and switch gears either going into or coming home from work.  Funny to make that connection.

Someone suggested ( it's my neighbor who thinks everyone has a book in them) that I write a novel.  I don't DO characters, so my novel would be based on real stories and I would probably lose a few friends and wind up in court.  So I continue in this little blog, hoping people are reading it and it gives them a laugh ( either with me or at me) and something to think about.

Monday- I think it's Monday

Days string out when you are home and in one place, don't they?  I wonder how Anne Frank kept track in her diary, maybe she wrote at the same time every day?  Talk about commitment, but there was probably little else to do.  In all of this, I keep seeing meme's about her, but I am thinking about her Mother, not about her.  Frankly, and I can admit this now, I never finished reading her book.  She did not interest me as a teen and now we learn her book was heavily edited by her father, so there you are with that,  I wonder how the parents kept it going.  We have it easy by comparison.

Yet, yesterday I kind of lost it and told Chris that I  did NOT want to hear another statistic about the virus.  I can't.  I just can't right now.  Ok, chastise me, but I really am having difficulty with all the illness and death.  I just can't. I know I should know but it is weighing on my spirit.  Do you feel the same way, dear reader?

It rained all night.  I had left my office plant outside.  I had brought it home to keep it from dying  If it survived last night's torrent, it can live through anything.  As soon as it slows down out there, I will go and bring it in.

I have NOT had the energy or the gumption to do anything around her.  Yesterday was particularly bad and we ordered takeout from our favorite local Mexican place, Joselito's    They relaxed the alcohol rule and you can get drinks delivered with food.  I enjoyed a peach margarita.  It helped somewhat, but then I went off about the statistics.   I felt and still feel bad about it, but I know Chris understands.  I am lucky to be quarantined with him, rather than someone else or alone.  I don't think I could do that either.

I am calling friends who are by themselves and checking in with people to keep contact.  I AM working, so it's busy.  The rain is going to make for an interesting day and I had better get myself organized.

If you are reading this, thank you and stay safe!