Recently I have been thinking about the old maxim "When you tell me who you are, I should believe you"
I fell asleep last night thinking about two people I THOUGHT were friends, or at least someone I knew and liked. One did something so incredibly hurtful to another person I care very much about, and continues to do this thing. The hurt person is MUCH more forgiving and understanding than I could ever have been in that situation. The other was someone I tried to help, only to have her spread lies and gossip about me, all the while living in my home and enjoying my hospitality. I shake my head. I wonder what it says about me. Am I such a poor judge of character that I didn't see who either of these people were? Did they change so abruptly and I missed the shift? or are they world class actors, worthy of some sort of Oscar? I am afraid I try to see the best in people. I cannot fathom why someone would go out of their way to injure, either physically or mentally, another person. In the case of both of these former friends, if I never see either of them again it will be too soon.
This brings me, again, the the "President elect". Time and time again, he has shown us what he is and his "Handlers" and "Explainers" have told us "oh no that's not what he meant" I'm sorry, but yes he did and yes he is and I am truly sorry for those who cannot see who he is. He has shown me who he is. I have to believe him.
Sadly, even in the case of, or maybe particularly in the case of, long long term friends, one must part. Sometimes it is just that people grow apart, no enmity, just change. And sometimes, as in your case, something particular happens, and that is that. In the last few years, I separated from two people who had been friends since I joined a company back in 1983. The first - well, we just grew apart, and apparently only I realized that. I "ghosted" her, and even though she pursued me actively, I refused to have a connection. The other - I would have said she was my closest friend, but that relationship was coming apart at the seams, her boyfriend's drinking didn't help much, and then a particular event occurred - well, physical violence, the police. I had actually been reading books about toxic relationships. So it happens. As you write, "If I never see either of them again, it will be too soon." Alas, it happens.
ReplyDeleteTom
I think it is important to question ourselves when we see someone in a different light than we formerly held them in. I think it's also good to ask ourselves how our personal heroes would handle such situations. Maybe how would Mahatma Gandhi, Buddha, Martin Luther King, Jesus, Barack or Michelle Obama, Mandela, etc., would have handled it if their long-term friend revealed his or her negative side. Say something? Walk away? You have to decide.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should blame yourself for trying to help someone out. If you didn't them as they are, that's on them, not you. Some people just can't get where they want to and blaming others helps them feel better about themselves for staying in their hole. Should you continue to help others if you can? Absolutely. Should you continue to help the same people over and over who then treat you badly? Absolutely NOT! I'm with Tom on the toxic people, let them go and don't look back, you have too much to look forward to.
ReplyDeleteThat should be "...didn't SEE them as they are"
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