Funerals suck. I went to one this morning, and no matter HOW you try to spin it, call it a "Celebration of Life" or a "Home Going" it's STILL a funeral to me and it still sucks.
Funerals are for the living and I found myself today at one that was more like a Revival Meeting than a service. NOT that there is anything WRONG with revival meetings or that type of service, it's just that I was found that it did not provide me the type of release and comfort of a "traditional" service. I guess I missed the comfort of the ritual. I guess I have been to more Catholic mass funerals than anything else. I missed the ritual of turning to your neighbor and saying "Peace be with you". I lean on my Irish roots during times of grief. At Irish funerals, you are encouraged to cry. I have been told that "tears shed here speed a soul's progress to heaven." Crying relieves something deep inside and in our society it is not acceptable to grieve publicly. In Ireland, apparently, they hire "professional mourners" who cry at funerals. When my Brother-in-laws grandmother died, my sister told me I had to go, because "someone needs to cry for her" Well I went and cried and the rest of the family joined in. Seeing one person crying give you "permission" to cry, I suppose. If my family were still in Ireland, I would probably be one of those.
Is it wrong of me to say that at some point in today's service, I was critiquing the music? I know the singers were friends of my friend and her family, but the music actually hurt. I think they sound system was WAY too loud and the singers who were belting out gospel music and holding EVERY note ; not just select notes, but drawing out each word until they lost breath. I know it was in tribute and maybe I just didn't have an appreciation of the songs, but I just wanted it all to be over.
There were lots of prayers and Bible readings. One woman read an expanded version of the 23rd Psalm, which made me long for the simplicity of King David's original text as we know it . Admittedly, I don't really KNOW that what we know IS the original, but this harkens back to my longing for ritual. When it is read at Baptist funerals, for instance, the whole congregation joins in with the recitation. It is a unifying moment. I longed for "Amazing Grace" to be sung.
The very large room was filled with friends and family, a testament to the person we have all lost. I HATE the "filing past the open casket" part of any service. I wish I had been able to get out of line and slip out a back door. I hope the family did not think me being disrespectful when I did not look at her, but i DO NOT want my last memory of my friend- heck of ANYONE- to be of them in their coffin. She was a warm vibrant ALIVE woman and I will cherish her in my memory that way.
The last three services I went to were technically memorial services, as the body was not present. One was a rather traditional Episcopal service, but the family did what they wanted and asked no one anything - I saw next to this woman for decades every Sunday, and I KNOW what she said she would have wanted, and it wasn't that. I did, however, cry, and everyone looked askance at me - especially her family. The other one was the mother of my best pal, who had died after a long boout and was probably so itred she was glad to go. Her five siblings were completely caught ups hort, and my friend actually shrugged her shoulders and laughed and said to me, "Well, none of US know how to plan a funeral!" I thought, "Well, Honey, if not now - when!" They ended up letting the youngest sibling, who has left the Catholic religion and turned to Jesus in a very fundamentalist, Bible-thumping, right-wing sort of way, plan the whole thing. Man, it was horrible. The brought-in minister kept talking about the sinner and redemption and it didn't sit well with many of us, as this woman was not some loose sinner! The music - well, what can I say? One of the granddaughters, who didn't really know her grandmother, fancies herself a singer, and got up in a very revealing frock, and sang some Carrie Underwood songs.....................
ReplyDeleteThe last one I went to was that of a very dear friend who died after a mercifully brief bout with a bad and aggressive form of cancer. And it was lovely, She had sung with her church's choir for over half her life, and they were there and did some lovely things - she had told me once what she hoped they might do, adnno one else knew, so big mouth me stepped on up and they rehearsed and did a bang up job (Durufle's Ubi Caritas." Her brother and I gave the ""reminiscences," and what one of us didn't know about, the other did - I had to stop twice because I was afraid I would lose it - especially as her oldest grandson (my godson) suddenly waved at me from the front row. THAT was a good funeral(I know, I know, not technically....) and I decided after the two bad experiences and one good one, I would start drawing up the plans for my own. Robyn, if you go, I hope you aren't disappointed. And thanks for letting me vent, it is two years this week that Diana's service was held, and it had been all coming over me, so I needed this excuse. Everyone else, thanks for letting me rant on, and you may skip over it all! Tom
Tom- a "good" funeral is one where you leave, feeling that the grief has eased and the joy of the person remains with you. I actually sat there thinking what I would like when I pass on. I want a BIG old fashioned Irish wake, with plenty of food an libations, a party where everyone talks about me, telling funny stories and remembers the love we shared. I do NOT want it to be an excuse for a church to try to get converts or to shame people about not following THEIR rules. I do not want to "lie in state" for everyone to look at. ICK!
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