End of the Year ( part 2)

What is so "magical" about midnight on December 31?  We see in the New Year with noise and champagne, but why is it any different than the change from one day to the next?   We make resolutions, drunkenly tell our friends we love them and stay up till the wee hours of the morning.   Why do we sit up and review the year as if we were all some type of accountant who must balance and make sense of things before the stroke of midnight?

I remember the excitement, as a child, of being allowed to stay up and celebrate the New Year with a glass of ginger-ale, or when I was a bit older a seven-up with a capful of wine in it.  I remember as a young married, having our friends over to celebrate and crash in the house.  I remember whispering "Happy New Year" in my infant daughter's ear at midnight.  This year, Chris and I decided to stay home.  Alone. That's right.  No big celebration here or going anywhere.  We did have a sweet invitation from friends we will see after the New Year, but the appeal of staying home, just the two of us, is way too great.  It's been a frantic few months and I need to relax in my pjs and NOT have to worry about entertaining anyone.  Don't get me wrong; I LOVE a houseful of people, just not this year.  Maybe next year I will feel differently.

For now, I will reflect on my blessings and plan for my future.  I don't reserve this type of thinking for December 31, but I will try to live more in the "now"; to enjoy the company of my friends, to relish good food and good conversation, to savor a kiss.  As Carly Simon says in Anticipation "I'll stay right here, 'cause these are the Good Old Days"

Happy New Year!

End of the year thoughts ( part 1, I think)

I am sitting in my kitchen, thinking about having another cup of coffee before scooting off to work.   I may be drinking too much coffee, but these days I am not sleeping well and   coffee is probably part of a vicious cycle.  I have too much caffeine in my system to sleep, and I am too tired so I drink more coffee...  UGH  Nothing a week in the Bahamas wouldn't cure, or winning the Lottery.

Like most people, when the lotto gets as high as it is right now, I am fantasizing about winning and what I would do with it.  Three hundred million is a figure I can't really wrap my head around, but I would sure like to try. I would pay off my debts and buy a modest house somewhere.  Help my family. The bulk would probably go to starting some sort of charitable organization.  Seriously.  How many houses can you live in?  How many cars can you drive?  How many people need help?  With that much money, I think we could do some good in the world.

It's the end of the year and I am thinking about what went on; counting my blessings.  The best of the lot was the no cancer diagnosis I received around Christmas.  It was a long drawn-out process to get there, but I did  get there.  It's been an interesting year and I am going to think more about it and probably write more tomorrow.  I clicked two places off my "bucket list" although I want to go back and see more of Yosemite and the Grand Canyon.  We took a train ride and are planning another one somewhere else next year.  I love the romance of a train ride and although Amtrak is NEVER on time, I think it will be fun to take it on a semi-long journey up north.  My grandson gets cuter every day.  He said something that sounded like he was trying to say "grandma" yesterday.  I am waiting to see what her calls me and I will NOT correct him. The name will be his creation.  Kate used to say "Nama"  but her grandmother got so upset about it and kept correcting her.  I thought Nama was cute.

Work awaits.  If I win the lottery I am out of there.   I am getting tired and much less patient with my folks.  I can see it in myself and I know it is coming on the time to think about retirement.  It's scary really and I think I need to talk to someone with some good sense and I need to talk to the retirement people about the actual numbers which are a bit convoluted due to my divorce settlement.  It's probably not as bad as I think.  I am waiting to see what the new contract with my union will be; we should have some kind of inkling in the Spring as to what is being negotiated at least.  Then I can decide what I want to do.  My stated goal is to make it to 40 years, which I will hit on July 19.  I MIGHT try for 30 with LAPL, which will be on October 26.  This year ( and tonight's lotto) will tell!

Trump for ?????

Besides the normal definitions of bridge terminology, the word "trump" means to announce in a bold way, or to get the better of.  I have been watching Donald Trump with a mixture of  revulsion and fascination.  Here are a few things I have been pondering:

Is Donald Trump the new Kim Kardashian? The media seems to follow him around to see what pearls of wisdom drop from his lips everyday.  The more they do, the more he reveals himself as a bully and a braggart with little or no diplomatic skills.  What could he possibly hope to gain by talking about Hillary going to the bathroom.  Excuse me, Donald, but there is a children's book I would like you to read.  It's called "Everyone poops"  I am sure you will be fascinated as that particular biological function is something every creature on this planet does .  Did you follow Ms Clinton  into the restroom? How do you KNOW what she did in there.  Newsflash, sometimes we fix our makeup or make a phone call,  What is your fascination with female body functions?You also made some misogynistic statements to Megyn Kelly about her being somehow impaired, implying that she was bleeding from "somewhere else"  You fail to realize that women are in the majority and we do vote.  I hope Republican women remember that at the polls.

Can I get all conspiracy theory that Steve Harvey's "gaffe" at the Miss Universe Pageant was a deliberate media ploy?  Just how many people actually watched it anyway?  But EVERYONE was talking about it in the morning, weren't they?  I don't feel that sorry for Miss Columbia.  She's made her fortune off this incident.  She will be offered gigs all over the place if she maintains her dignity on this.  I feel sorry for the newly crowned Miss Universe.  Quick  Tell me her name. I see that Trump sold his interest in it earlier this year, but quickly jumped into the social media fray about it.  Anything to make it all about him.

I am watching the race for the President on both sides of the political coin.  I am hoping for a race based on issues and not on personality.  Even Lindsey Graham said that he hoped people would realize that this was NOT a reality show, that it was real life.   I hope the Republican Party realizes that soon and puts a real possible leader with a clear vision of the party's goals up for election.  Or maybe I don't.  Maybe I want the Republican Party to collapse on itself and the Democrats to sweep the country like Nixon in the 72 election.

I've been listening to a compilation of the work of Dr Hunter S. Thompson and wishing he were still here to take another swing at Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail.  He's have had a Field Day with Trump

GOOD news

I went to my doctor yesterday and he confirmed what I thought.  My uterus is not trying to kill me.  Still unsure just what happened but the results of all the tests confirm that there is no cancer.  My doctor and I have agreed to see if anything else happens and then we can look at what might be going on- IF anything is going on. I'm just thankful all that is over for now.  I am exhausted.  I did not realize what a Sword of Damocles had been hanging over my head  for the last four months and how it was affecting me.  I have used up my reserve well of energy.   I need to recharge my batteries something fierce, but Christmas is.. FRIDAY!   I think I am almost ready for it.   We have the tree and it is decorated.  I bought the special sausage for lasagna and sausage and peppers with polenta.  I will go and get my final food run on Christmas Eve day and hope I have it right.

Christmas is a low-key affair this year.  I gave up sending Christmas cards a few years ago and I miss getting them, but you have to send them to get them.  I just don't have the time or the energy.  When I was married to Kate's father, I was signing them and writing little notes to everyone, personalizing them.  I was tired and I handed a few off to him to sign.  I got them back and saw that he had just signed his full name.  No note.  Not even a "Merry Christmas"  Just his name.   Maybe when I retire I will take up card writing again.

  I went out this weekend to see the kids.  We drove up to Big Bear to take Bobby to see Santa and the snow.  He was not afraid of Santa at all and was his usual charming self to the point where Mrs. Santa took out HER camera to take his picture.  That boy has my dad's charm as well as his name. The kids bought a HUGE tree and I made my son-in-law drive the car down the mountain with it.  I was NOT doing that.  Once we got in the flats of Old Woman Springs road, I took over.  We used to drive that way all the time with my folks when we would "visit" 29 Palms back in the 60's  There was a vacation dream for kids.  The desert.  In the 60's . in the summer.  Thankfully the hotel had a pool.  Boredom reached new heights with those trips, but my Dad loved the desert.  I can appreciate it now but back then?  Not so much.

Bobby loved opening the presents I brought.  Yes we opened gifts this weekend.  When you have multiple families, Christmas is when you are together.  Christmas should not be celebrated just one day a year.  we need to carry the spirit of it within us, if we celebrate it.  We are kinder to each other over the holidays and in January are back to being ourselves and sometimes that's not a good thing.

No News to report

It's been over a week since I had the biopsy and the other tests and I haven't heard a peep from Kaiser.  I am operating under the "no news is good news" theory and figure my doctor will tell me what he did find when I see him next Monday.  For now, I am assuming there is NO cancer.  I hope he can tell me what IS there and we can move forward.

I have the most wonderful friends who called or emailed me to see how I was doing.  I feel like such a wimp, but this took more out of me than I thought it would.   I STILL have a gnarly bruise on the inside of my right arm from the IV.  I'm still kind of fuzzy, but maybe that's constant right now.  Not enough sleep and little appetite.    It's gonna get better and I really appreciate the love of my friends.

 I need to get ready for Christmas.  I still have not decorated. I don't have many of my gifts bought. We tried to get a tree last night but I am NOT paying 70 bucks for one.  I hope we can get one this evening or tomorrow.   The usual place we go is not there and I do NOT patronize one of the local places because of a difficult encounter with the owner years ago.  She lost my business and I will not go back.  Ever.  

So I hope for a tree and family around the table on the 25th.  I have no idea yet who will be here but I will have food enough for an army, so if you are hungry on December 25th, come on by!  I'm making lasagna and sausage and peppers with polenta, among other things.  I'm NOT Italian, but that seems to be the food of choice around here.  It is fairly simple to prepare and I love having a houseful of people for the holidays. I am just not ready for Christmas yet. It always seems to sneak up on me, although it is the same day every year!

The meaning of Christmas

As the Joni Mitchell song goes "It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees, they're putting up reindeer, singing songs of joy and peace"   but I am having trouble getting my Merry Christmas on.  Given the medical thing I had earlier in the week and the McGroarty fundraiser, I have not had time to do any shopping nor have I decorated my house.   I am planning on doing something this weekend, but I can't find my Christmas music and I really need Nat King Cole.  Last year I found an album by Corrinne May and I need that too.  It's buried in the spare room somewhere and as I am NOT supposed to lift anything over 15 lbs for a few more days, finding it is going to be a challenge.  The room is so full of.... stuff.. I can't ask anyone to help me.  I am pretty sure I know what box it is in, so maybe tomorrow I will feel better and can get in there and find it, otherwise it's Pandora!  

It is NOT Christmas until Nat King Cole sings the Christmas song (aka Chestnuts roasting on an open fire)  I hope to get the energy to do all my shopping and baking this weekend.  A lot of Shopping will be online, I think.  Lazy, but I don't really want to be fighting crowds these days.  What happened to my holiday spirit?  I uses to love shopping!  Now it fills me with a sense of, oh, not dread really more like distaste.  I don't wanna!

When did Christmas change for me?  When did I stop feeling the glow of the season and look at it as another rushing around day?  I am NOT Martha-Freaking-Stewart.  When did the holidays devolve into this?  Why can't I remember that Christmas and the Winter holidays are about remembering love and saying thank you to all those who have been in your life this year.  It should be a time to honor friendships, to celebrate merriment and to reflect on the year's blessings.  Somewhere along the line it became this Thing That Ate Itself, a juggernaut of insanity, a merry-go-round we can't get off.  I am going to TRY to slow my pace, to remember that just being together is the real reason for the season.

and cookies.  There have to be cookies.

Donald Trump and the Republican Clown car

It goes without saying ( but I'll say it anyway)  I'm a liberal.  Card Carrying proud as heck union member liberal!  I don't hate the Republican Party and I don't wish ill on any of them- well except maybe Donald Trump but I think if he keeps going the way he is, he will get his.  That man is a train-wreck and I think the media follows him around to see what sort of outrageous thing will fall from his lips today.  I can't BELIEVE that people actually support the nonsense he spouts.  His bigotry knows no bounds.  Hello, Donald?  This is NOT the 1950's.  Women and people of color are actually PART of the mainstream and we HAVE a say in business and politics. You are sadly mistaken if you think otherwise.  I wonder if the "supporters" at his rallies are not paid to be there.  True, there is a section of the American public that is crazy like that but I can't really believe that man will be the nominee for President.  Who would want that blowhard representing this country on the world stage?  I am waiting for a leader with vision to emerge from the Republican pack.  I may be waiting a long time.

I am also sick of people foaming at the mouth about Barrack Obama.  He was and IS a great president.  Get over it.  History will bear me out.

Doesn't matter really.  I am going back and forth between Bernie and Hillary anyway and will vote for one of them, should they become the candidate the Democrats put forth.  But the playing field from the Republican team really scares me.  Have they no one with a sensible vision regarding leadership of this country?  They all seem marginalized to talking point that they feel will get them elected.  There is no great plan from any of them.  I am beginning to wonder if we shouldn't use the English method of electing a party with a platform, rather than a person.  Elections seem to be popularity contests, rather than a sorting out of a clear direction for the future of our nation.  I fear what we will become if extremists like the Donald take office.

Obvious thoughts

The shooting in  San Bernardino is all over the news and it has got  em thinking about a lot of things

Why?   That is always the question.  WHY do people do this kind of thing?   It turns out it was a husband and wife  and HE worked there.  So... workplace violence?  But they went heavily armed ad ready for battle.  Did they expect to survive this?   Just how stupid are you to think you can perpetrate this kind of atrocity and  just walk away as if nothing happened?  They leave behind a child.  What were they hoping to achieve in a mass killing such as this?  For the life of me, I cannot understand.

The media stir up more trouble than informs these days.  For HOURS on end, talking heads spitting out theories and airing any scrap of information or conjecture just to keep their ratings up.  After a while I stopped listening to the "newscasters" advance their own agenda on those they were interviewing.  Oh for the days of "just the facts"   As news outlets try to "scoop" each other, they flood the "marketplace" with misinformation and in some cases crack-pot theories about what is going on and why.  I have gotten to the point where I don't even trust NPR after listening to one interviewer ask one police specialist if this was caused by "the militarization of police departments"  not once, but TWICE.  As far as I can see, it was caused by two people with some yet un-revealed motive.  To blame the police for this is just irresponsible journalism.


There is also a backlash on those who are posting thoughts of comfort. Sending thoughts and prayers as a means of support has NOTHING to do with legislation.  I don't see why there is such a huge backlash.  Certainly, people are tired of gun violence, BUT mocking someone who is sending a few words of sympathy is wrong.  What  do they want our leaders to say  "I will avenge you?"  We need to look at gun ownership AND extremism in this country.  It is not going to be solved overnight by a meme or a tweet.   I don't think taking guns out of the hands of citizens is the way to go, but I'm not sure what will solve it.  We didn't get this way overnight and we need cooler heads from BOTH sides of the argument to think things through.


So, I pray for those who were injured and for the families of those who were killed.  There is no sense in this.

Thanksgiving, Advent and the holiday rush

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.   I joke that i is four days off work, all centered around eating as much as possible, but that's not it.  I love to cook.   Thanksgiving is my "gift" to people who join us for dinner.  I begin working on it mentally a few days before the actual prep work begins.  When it does, it's more like a military campaign than anything else.  I am like a machine in the kitchen.  This year I added Chocolate mousse in cinnamon cups to the usual pumpkin and apple pies.  I made teriyaki chicken as a starter and for one guest who wasn't crazy about turkey ( which he ate as well!)  But Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on my blessings.  A lot of people use the month of November to list something they are thankful for every day and I like to do that but somehow it got away from me this year.  It's December 1, the start of the Advent and I am way behind on everything, so here in no particular order are the things I am thankful for:

Chris-well that goes without saying, but I will say it anyway. If you know me, you know that my husband is my rock and my greatest gift.  His love is my center and I don't think I could not have faced a lot of the challenges presented me without him ( I probably could have but he made me stronger)

Bobby- My little man is such a bundle of joy, he fills my heart when I think about him.

Family- even if we are far apart, we "see"each other on Facebook or in emails and I know we are connected by our hearts

Friends- I am truly blessed with the most amazing group of friends, they are more like extended family than "friends"

Coffee.  No explanation necessary

Work-  I have a job that frustrates me a lot more than it should these days, but I am thankful that I have work that is meaningful and makes a difference, even if it is not splashy or obvious. I am not saving lives or on magazine covers, but I think my work is important as it helps the system do what it does.  I cannot imagine a world without libraries and would not want to live in one that did not have them.

Books.  Again, no explanation needed.

Music.  I love to sing, even if I do have a voice that will sterilize toads at three hundred paces.  I listen to music in my kitchen when I am cooking or when I am driving.  I don't like music at work.  I find it distracting in an office setting.  Not everyone likes or wants to hear the same type of music.  I have a waterfall machine on my desk that seems to help, when my coworkers are listening to their music.  I work in what is becoming a small space and sharing it can be a challenge. We do our  best.


Today begins Advent. I do not have my calendar.  I don't have children so maybe this year I will forego it.  As we enter the holiday season, we are bombarded with the BUY BUY BUY of Christmas.  I am going to try to remember what I believe the holiday season is all about; we become reflective int he last month of the year, we remember the joys and try to thank those who have been a blessing this year.  We try to forgive and shed ourselves of the old wounds as we enter into the hope the new year brings.   I am sick to death of the "buy the perfect gift" commercialism that the Winter holidays- ALL OF THEM- have become.  I will try to remember that giving of myself is the real "reason for the season".