Post Christmas thoughts

So, for all intents and purposes, Christmas is over.  The tree still stands in the cornet of my living room, but I don't dare turn the lights on. It was a nice tree.  I always get a "real" tree", the smell is nice, but I find the needles wedged under the couch in July.  Seriously, I sweep the living room clean but those things seem to appear as if they have been hiding for a while and decide to appear at odd times.  Just a little Christmas all year long, I suppose.

It was a weird Christmas.  Sometimes I long for the magical Christmases I seem to remember as a child, but then I remember it's MY job to provide the magic.   My grandson is ALMOST old enough to understand and anticipate Christmas, next year should be a hoot.  NEXT year, he will either run to or from Santa.  Somewhere, I believe my ex-husband has the video of Kate running through the mall to get away from Santa.   Silly and bittersweet.   She squeezed through the little faux picket fence that surrounded his chair and ran like hell.  I'm laughing and chasing her, along with one of the elves, who said it happens all the time. I suppose I should remind her of that at some point, so she and my son-in-law are ready if Bobby takes a powder as well.

I read an article, complaining about how"politically incorrect" Christmas songs were.  I can't remember all of them, but they singled out "Jingle Bells" for the sledding accident,"Gramma got run over by a reindeer" because seeing Gramma with hoof-marks would traumatize any child ( it's a SPOOF for goodness sakes- I wonder what they would say about a childhood favorite of mine "Camp Granada")   They talked about "Baby it's cold outside" being about... date rape.  Sheesh, listen carefully.  She's not trying to get away, she's trying to keep her 1950's reputation where "good girls" didn't spend the night with a man.   You need to look at things in context, she keeps saying, "well. maybe I can stay for a few minutes more" not  LET GO OF ME AND DID YOU JUST DRUG ME.   The line "what's in this drink" is a toss off to when people blamed their behavior on having had too much to drink, not that he slipped her a mickey.  The article also complained about the extreme consumerism of "Santa Baby"  c'mon.  the character is a classic"gold digger" and while it's not a flattering portrait of anyone you need to take it in the spirit intended, an adult version of a greedy child;  it's NOT serious.  I spent a lot of time singing more "devotional" Christmas songs this year, although I did listen to Jette Betrue sing "Santa's on vacation" more than once.  She made me smile.  Mostly I listened to Corrine May's "the Gift"  in my car and a Pandora mix of Nat King Cole holiday tunes at home, which heavily featured him and Bing Crosby.   Those were what my parents listened to as they prepared for the holidays.  I did a LOT of baking- more than I really needed to - but a bit of the holiday spirit still eluded me.  Christmas was here and gone before I knew it.  Things in Casa Myers got a bit frantic.   Chris and I are planning on doing NOTHING  and I mean NOTHING   for New Year's eve.  I plan on watching Netflix and having some snacks and a glass of champagne at midnight.   No parties.  No going out.  A quiet few days at home together.  He was gone for a month and I just need to hang out with him.

If you are wondering about the state of my car after last Friday's accident  GOOD NEWS.  There was NO damage, except a few scrapes on the bumper.  I need a new bulb for my headlight, but it looks like it just burned out not that i's damaged.   I would be willing to bet the guy I hit will get a mew bumper from the incident but that's how it goes.   I have good insurance and AAA treated me kindly NOT like I had committed some kind of crime and was trying to rip them off ( I'm talking to YOU Mercury Insurance!)  Don't get me started on how they treated me when I got hit by a truck and the truck ran. They refused to cover me, because I could not identify the vehicle, even though the CHP verified it.  It was a long time ago.

Saturday night in Tujunga.

I went to a memorial service for a friend this morning. While I knew Michelle from our work on the Board of McGroarty Arts Center, it seems there was so much I did not know about her. I did not know, for instance, that she had a son who did not live, She touched so many lives in her therapy practice and her other community work. The room was packed. My take-away was something someone said.. I have forgotten the exact words but it was something to the effect of "That stuff doesn't matter. Go and live your life" Ok. I will try to do that. There are things I have been fighting to change, but realized that I have to let go and let the Universe, of God do whatever it is supposed to be. Everything in its' time.

Living up here in the Foothills is a mix of peaceful and crazy. I swear "Tujunga " is the Tongvan word for "bad driver" Driving down Foothill, sometimes you take your life in your hands. People either tailgate you or swerve around you, even if you are going above the speed limit. There are so many accidents,one of the local papers has a "Wreck of the week" column. This is the same paper who prints local recipes and I kid you not, once had a recipe for Squirrel stew. I believe it was NOT a satirical piece.

This week, for personal reasons, I resigned from all volunteer duties at my beloved McGroarty Arts Center. I had dedicated close to twelve years of working to keep the Center healthy. Now it's time to step away and focus on me. Selfish of me, but I need more time to focus on what my goals are. I wish the Center well. It is an important place in our Community, the goal I strove for was "affordable arts education for all" I hope this will remain the purpose, as so many people in this community do not have access to art classes. Creativity is so important to healthy people. We focus so much on Math and Science, we forget that art give balance to a scientific mind. We devalue artists as being a drain on society, when we need beauty around us. Good art, of any sort, whether painting or drawing or theater or poetry, heals the soul and opens the mind. We pay sports figures an astronomical amount to "entertain" us with their feats, but someone who paints is just "dabbling" and the cost of a painting is unrealistic. When you buy a piece of art, you are buying someone's hard work as well ( except for Jackson Pollock, that looks like a drop cloth to me- ah well to each his own)

I'm going to try to bake this weekend. So much has been happening, I am not sure I want to have Christmas at all. I will try to get into the spirit by baking and listening to Nat King Cole. It's not Christmas till he sings.

Jane Eyre and other "classic" novels

Will someone PLEASE explain to me the vast appeal of Jane Eyre?  I tried to read it, I tried to have it "read" to me ( book on CD)  Nope.  I hated Jane.  Didn't care. Maybe because all of the characters are now somewhat cliche.  I suppose Brontè  INVENTED those cliches.  I also suppose I hate it because to me, it's the ultimate Regency Romance and no offense to those who love them, but I HATE Regency Romances.  Just not for me.

My latest foray into Jane-land came as a result of my reading (on CD)  a collection of stories based on the line "Reader, I married him".  It was interesting,  some of the stories were awful but some were quite entertaining and I wondered, again, why so many people  who are well read seem to love Jane Eyre. I loved the Jasper Ffode book "The Eyre Affair"  which begins the "Thursday Next" series.  The book I am reading now "The Readers of Broken Wheel Recommend" also has the heroine wax rhapsodic about the book.  She is seen weeping openly in her shop window,  clutching the book after she finishes it.    The male protagonist doesn't get why she is weeping.   I'm with him.

In Readers of Broken Wheel, the author makes a point, though, about "Classic" novels and the fact that the enforced reading of them makes them a chore rather than a pleasure.  As an English major, I was taught to look for themes and recurring images as if I were solving some sort of puzzle, rather than reading for the pleasure of the story and the use of language.  "Having" to read something rather than "wanting" to read something takes the fun out of it.  Now, I'm not saying I am going to go back and re-read Moby Dick ( those whaling chapters aren't any less boring in pleasure reading.)  I remember trying to read "The Princess Bride" at some point in my life.  It starts out with a man buying the book that he was read as a child, only to discover that his - father ... grandfather... whoever had read it to him had edited it down when he was reading it to him so he got the "good parts version"  I suppose that's what really GOOD film-making is, the "good parts version" although sometimes they leave out MY favorite parts.  I don't know if I would actually sit through an complete version of Lord of the Rings ( Maybe if they just skimmed over "The Two Towers" and did everything in           " Return of the King".  hmmmm)

Still I ponder Jane Eyre. I am not much of a fan of that period in Literature anyway.  I struggled through most of the novels I was forced to read.  Maybe I will try to revisit them with an eye to actually enjoying the story and NOT trying to write a paper about it.  I'm NOT reading Jane Eyre OR Moby Dick however.  Any suggestions?

Thankfuls

Well it's Thanksgiving Day already and I neglected to post ANYTHING this month about things I am thankful for.  It's been a hellish month already  so I am going through my "list" in no particular order:

Naturally I am thankful for friends and family.  That goes without saying but I have to say it anyway.  This year has been like a terror train funhouse ride. Just when you think it is over and you can see daylight, some ax-wielding clown pops out of the darkness.  I have clung to my friends my family and what is left of my faith.  I am not sure I should even pray anymore, every time I do God seems to answer me with the exact opposite of what I pray about.   I am not asking for money or anything ridiculous but this year God has tested my resolve.  Maybe I should just back off asking and see what He has for me.

I am thankful for the doctors and nurses who helped our Mom this past month.  She has a hard road to go, but she is one feisty chick!

I am thankful for my mentor, who is leaving the job far too soon. I am angry that he is, but grateful for his tutelage and the way he changed how I look at things.  As the song goes "because I knew you I have been changed for good"

I am thankful that MY doctors talked me into making a few drastic changes in my life.  I also have a long way until I am better, but I AM better than I was this time last year.   I am off a LOT of the meds and have lost 30 pounds.   It's been a hard year, but I am fighting back.

I am thankful for my colleagues at the Library.  Recently, in a General Meeting, they spoke to my General Manager about me and gave me a standing ovation.  I cannot tell you how that made me feel, to know that they realize the job I am trying to do and appreciate it.  It was a real love-fest and it made me feel better about the job.  Just that day, I had been feeling quite discouraged.  My angels must have conspired to make me see that I am making a difference and for that I am truly grateful.

I am thankful for food on the table, a roof over my head, the love of my soulmate and the opportunity to show that love can make a difference in this world. The hateful rhetoric of "That" man that now flows freely from people who think they are empowered to hate has made me realize that those of us who do not believe in that sort of thing have a struggle before us.   We can make this a better place, one person at a time.  If you believe that one man can't make a difference, ( whatever your faith) I can tell you a story about a Jewish Carpenter.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Dallas 1963

Where were you, this day in 1963, when you heard the news that changed our world and forever took away our innocence?

Each generation has that defining moment, Pearl Harbor for my parents, 911 for my daughter, but for us, the assassination of JFK was OUR defining moment. I was in the back seat of my parent's Green Bellaire. My mom heard the news on the radio and pulled the car over at the corner of Bartee and Van Nuys. She kept sobbing "oh that young man" over and over. I was five and coming home from morning kindergarten classes. 53 years later, I can still feel myself, frightened for a reason I did not really understand- what five year old back then knew anything about death? My family mourned him, grieved for his widow and his children. I suppose it was the fact that he had children who were our age that made his death more tragic to us. We saw him laughing with them and we saw what death and grief were, in their faces.

They say the nation looked to Jackie, to teach them how to mourn. What an incredible sad duty being First Lady must have been for her. Her obvious sorrow, held together with such stately grace is something I remember, probably not from the events, but the photos taken of her. How terrible to be forced to bear your unimaginable grief in public, not to be allowed to sob or break down. She was an amazing woman. She understood her part in history. When she began her life as first lady, I recall that people didn't think much of her and said so. They mocked her efforts to remodel the White House, but she was a student of history and architecture and was able to call on the greatest minds to assist her in the task of making the White House a showplace after the war years. Yet when our country was at our most hopeless point, we put all our grief and pain on her slim shoulders; and she rose to the task. She was always trying to get away from that personae, I think, which is probably one of the reasons she married Onassis; she could escape and he could protect her. We thought we knew her and thought we owned her. This was never the case. I hope she had a marvelous life, despite it all. But as I think of this day in Dallas in 1963, I see her in that pink suit, splattered with his blood, bravely leading the nation for a brief moment of absolute shock and grief.

Where to begin

I have not written anything since the election happened on Tuesday November 8.  I am still in shock.  I have stated before and I will say again. Donald Trump and his followers SCARE me.  I don't think people get it.  This is a man who said he has never HEARD of the KKK, who encouraged his followers to beat up people who disagreed with them and from all accounts, asked why we couldn't just USE the Nukes.

What is WORSE to me is that I am seeing all kinds of backlash toward me form BOTH sides.   For the Record, not all white people voted for Trump and when I woke up in a world where he had been chosen, my fears about him became real.  I am afraid for women who will have LESS access to adequate reproductive health care and will be subjected to MORE harassment as the Republican leader believes that we should be"grabbed by the pussy" to keep us in line.   I am afraid for the poor living on the poverty line as taxes rise in order to balance a budget that most experts say will send us into another Recession.  I am afraid for those who will lose their health care coverage ( it appears he lied to them about repealing it- so I have SOME hope)  I am afraid for my LGBT friends, as the Republican Platform actually singled them out by stating that they wanted to appoint a Supreme Court Justice who would overturn the Marriage Equality Act.  THEY WANT TO TAKE AWAY RIGHTS, They must believe that LGBT people are less deserving of basic AMERICAN rights.

I am wearing a safety pin on my necklace in a small act of comfort and protest.  YES, I am prepared to help someone in distress.  I am a 58 year old white female, but I will do what I can.  HOWEVER I am taking heat from people of color who are mocking me.  One person claimed the distress of "white folks" is fake and we can't know real distress unless we are people of color.  She went on to say that  we will never understand what it is like to be a person of color.   I will never experience  the things that people of color do every day because of the color of their skin, but to assume that I do not have compassion simply because of  the color of my skin is just as wrong, isn't it?  No, I can never really know how you feel, but can you ever truly know how I feel?  You take one look at my pale skin and make a snap judgement about me.  Isn't this the thing you complain that I do?  I can not experience what you are feeling, but you can help me to understand .  Those of us feeling pain for this country must unite against a common problem, not splinter further because of it.

Mostly, I am tired but trying to find a glimmer of hope in all of this.  The day after the election, I was  talking to a young man in this twenties.  We consoled each other and I told him "we worked for change and we did it once, we can do it again, but we are counting on YOUR generation to stand with us in the fire"  He smiled and said that he was sure his generation would step up and that he was considering getting much more involved in politics because of this.  It gave me a bit of hope for our future, that seeing this victory is ready and willing to work for our own.

October 26, 1896

This morning I woke up with the realization that I have been doing THIS job for 30 years.  Not working for the Library ( off and on for 36)  or working for the City of LA (40 last July) but THIS JOB, Branch Facilities Manager.  My sister would say it's because I don't like change and maybe that's so.  My original intent was to work 5 years, get budget experience and move on, maybe to the CAO's office.  Didn't happen.  First of all I never got to work on the budget, and I suppose I should be thankful as working with numbers is a nightmare for a dyslexic like me ; and secondly every time I thought about looking for another job, something happened. I had a baby.  We had two earthquakes that destroyed branches and we had tow successful bond issues to help rebuild them.  The construction projects were a lot of fun and we brought BOTH in "on time and under budget"  Most of the time, I like what I do and I will say that I love my "peeps" out in the branches and see it as my mission to make sure that their working conditions are the best they can be.  Some of them drive me absolutely around the bend, because they don't think logically. Someone once told em that "Common sense is a curse, not a blessing because you have to work with people who don't have it"  True dat.

So today I am bringing in some goodies for my co-workers to mark the occasion.   I was going to bake, but the stomach thing is back with both barrels and I am so tired from it, all I have wanted to do for the past tow days is SLEEP.  GRRR. I have things to DO when I get home, but I collapse on the couch after the drive home during which I fight the exhaustion.  I am going BACK to the original dosage and hope it will stabilize.  I'm losing weight, which I need to do, but not like this!

February 2020 looks like the date I might be aiming for!

Election Cycle

Why I am voting for Hillary Clinton

I am voting for Hillary.  I feel she is the best candidate for the job.  She has the experience and the temperament  for the job.  She understands diplomacy and can find Europe on the  map ( just kidding with that one)  She's smart and well spoken.I have read the Democratic and Republican Platforms.  I am horrified by the STATED objective of the Republicans to appoint Supreme Court Justices who will be asked to overturn Roe v. Wade and the Marriage Equality Act.  That alone is enough for me to vote Democrat. but that is not all.

The Orange Menace.

I have been following politics since 1968, when Bobby Kennedy was killed here in Los Angeles.  I haven't always LIKED the candidates (I still find Nixon's slogan "Nixon's the one" to be ironic), but I have never been as frightened by a candidate as I am of Donald J. Trump.  He started his campaign , smearing Mexican immigrants ( even if he was talking about the undocumented ones, I think he was really talking about how he felt about Hispanics period.  His promise to "build a wall" is a rallying cry , but I get the feeling it's an empty threat.  Trump does not understand the workings of Government.He asks Hillary why SHE didn't change the tax structure and promises that HE ALONE can make the changes we need in this country.  I wonder if he slept through Government class in 12th grade.  Doe he not understand the three branches of government with checks and balances, as the founders of this country created them?I wonder if he can name all three ( Executive, Legislative and Judicial, thank you very much)    Does he not understand that Congress -the MAJORITY of them, not just one lone senator, are the ones who create our laws.  Maybe someone should send him a copy of the Schoolhouse Rock video "I'm just a bill"  I believe in the next few weeks he is going to do something worse than the things he said in his final debate when he basically said if he didn't win he was going to start a revolution.  I think he is in over his head and is trying to NOT be elected, that he doesn't really want the job but he is beginning to set up his claims that the whole system is rigged against him, because he is is trying to get out of it with his "brand" still in tact.   His followers are scary.  I saw the picture of the guy holding the gun at the television , asking Trump to give him the word and he would shoot Hillary.  Only fascist KILL their opponents or throw them in jail. I wonder if he realizes that he cannot dictate to or control a "special prosecutor", that's what got Nixon in so much trouble with Watergate. If you are considering voting for Trump simply because you don't like Hillary, try this: If you are voting for Trump because he "speaks his mind" put HIS words in Hillary's mouth and see if you would vote for HER based on the words alone. He is running on being a "political outsider"  but the reality is, he is a political neophyte who has not done his homework on what the job is   He thinks he is running for CEO.  His BIG threat is about how Hillary is going to repeal the Second Amendment.  Uh.. READ THE CONSTITUTION or have one of your surrogates explain it to you in words you can understand, Donald.  The PRESIDENT does not have the power to change Amendments, that comes from Congress.  But under-educated people will believe any soundbite that comes down the Internet and Trump is counting on them to vote.  You really need to ask yourself if a man who can be baited by a tweet, who will storm out of interviews where they ask questions he does not want to answer and uses threats of lawsuits as a means of control is  the person you really want with his finger on the launch codes.  Anyone who thinks Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are ROLE MODELS should NOT be leading a republic (we are a republic, not a democracy and I wonder if he knows THAT !)

My fear is that people will assume that their vote does not count as they are predicting a landslide for Hillary.  We ALL need to go out and vote.  I will be proudly casting my vote for Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Trust and faith

Had a few late night conversations lately that  have me pondering the questions of trust and faith.  If your partner cheats on you, how do you forgive them?  I know for me, it was always my line in the sand, "you go there- keep going"  If you have broken my trust by breaking our vows, I can never trust you again.  Some people can work it out and more power to them. It takes a powerful amount of love and forgiveness to move forward in a relationship where trust had been shattered.  I always believed that you get out of one relationship before you get into another, and while I got into a relationship rather quickly after I left my ex ( who was serially cheating on me, I kept finding letters to various women on the computer and they all said the same thing " I know now that I love you"except he said that to a few of them in rapid succession) I did not leave him for another man.  He had broken my trust and that was that.  People criticize Hillary Clinton for staying with Bill after his well publicized affair with Monica and whatever else happened.  I say this, if they were able to work it out, more power to them,  In something like this, BOTH parties have to move forward together and be sure it is what they both want.  It's hard, either way, but relationships ARE hard work most of the time.  I am blessed with Chris.  We talk all the time and that is what keeps us going forward together.  That and I am crazy about him!

Faith is a tricky thing.  I am not talking about belief in a deity, although my belief in a Higher Power has kept me somewhat sane.  It works for me, although I understand if you don't.  As long as you don't go around harming people, I'm good with you.  I have a good friend who is going through the most horrific year.  She has an incredible faith but she is faltering.  Every time there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel, someone or something slams the door.  It's hard to keep believing everything is going to work out when that happens.  If you are reading this, send a bit of positive energy her way.  She could use it today, especially.  We lean on our faith in hard times, but I am trying to remember to be grateful in good times. To count my blessings and not to count what I do not have- yet.  Everything in it's time, and if it is meant to be, it will be.

This is going to be hard to write

All the news about Kim Kardashian and her getting robbed at gunpoint have dredged up something I rarely talk about.  On May 19, 1978, I was a nineteen year old newlywed and came home from school to start what I thought would be a weekend of finishing several term papers.  I liked to get all my documentation together then do a massive "write", as I work best with a deadline.

Didn't happen.

Instead, I was followed home by three guys who kicked in the door to our apartment and tied me up, loaded a shotgun and put it to the base of my neck.  My then-husband was a gun collector of sorts and they knew all about what he had.  They ransacked the place and then began to touch me as a prelude to sexual assault.  I cried and told them I was pregnant ( I wasn't) and begged them not to hurt my baby.  For whatever reason, maybe the angels I cried out to , maybe my grandmother, whose presence I felt in the room, what ever it was , they left me alone.  I was lucky.  Turns out these guys would rob and rape. The cops who interviewed me after some of my things were recovered said it was the best thing he ever read in a police report.  It did change and probably ruin my marriage, as my ex-husband never believed me, and always threw the incident into my face as if I had been and I deserved what happened to me if I had.  I won't go into what happened between us that night, but suffice it to say, I never looked at him with the same eyes after what he did.

I see the horrible things being posted about Kim K.  I am not a big fan of hers, but no one deserves the crap being said about her.  As to it being a "publicity stunt"?  I don't think she is dumb enough to commit a crime by filing a false police report to get attention to her latest project.  Call her what you will, but the girl has serious marketing skills.

So, Kim, although you won't read this, I will tell you what I learned and what I told myself every time I replayed it in my head and all those sleepless nights when I tried to deal with what had happened to me.  You did the right thing.  Whatever you did to get out of the situation alive was EXACTLY the thing you should have done.  If you had done anything different, you may not have come out alive.  It's something victims need to hear.  You would be surprised at how many "Monday Morning Quarterbacks" told me I should have done this or that.  They were wrong.

I lived.

More election thoughts

As more people I consider to be logical , reasonable, thoughtful people tell me they are voting against Hillary" because they can't stand her"  I have been thinking about elections.

I am afraid of a world where a person like Donald J. Trump is the representative of this GREAT country.   America is ALREADY GREAT.  He is taping into your base  fears and prejudices, lying and having you believe Barrack Obama is the Antichrist and he has cloven hooves where his feet should be ( thank goodness for the National Enquirer and People magazine for all those beach photos!)

Trump is a liar and a con man.  He is playing out the biggest con of all.  My ONLY hope is that the Republican Party will see this latest crime-that of BREAKING THE TRADE EMBARGO  with Cuba during the BUSH administration ( so he can't even claim it was an anti Obama move) will qualify him for indictment NOT the Presidency.  Seriously, I am afraid of a world where the wealthiest pay NO taxes and rub it in the faces of us poor stupid schlubs who actually believe it's our moral duty to pay our fair share.  Does anyone believe in their heart of hearts that the recipients of large tax breaks will actually SHARE the wealth with the worker bees who help them earn it?  If you do, I have a nice Bridge in Brooklyn you might want to purchase.  Gee, following his logic, maybe we should eliminate ALL income tax, because as you KNOW, the rich will pay their share automatically and everything will be fine.  The shrinking middle class is barely hanging on.  Expect YOUR taxes to get larger and soon you too will be on the poverty line.

There's a line from a song "They sell us the President the same way they sell us our cloths and our cars"  This is NOT, despite the way Trump is running his campaign, a Beauty Pageant. His "hard hits" on Hillary include insults to her looks and her health.   The fact is, she IS smarter than he ever was in the world of diplomacy.  Trump thinks- and he said this in the debate- that we just should have TAKEN the oil from the Middle East , then there would have been no ISIS.  Uh... Want to really piss someone off?  STEAL from them.  Of course I don't believe Trump knows the difference between making an honest deal with someone and ripping them off.  Whatever works to get it in his pocket.  People with young sons and daughters should be afraid that this man will get us into a global war.  I know I am afraid and it's no way to live.

Bernie Sanders is right in continually saying this is not time for a protest vote.  We MUST defeat the Orange Menace, for the sake of all we believe.  Take a look at what both parties are proposing, see what aligns with your core belief and vote.

Trump scares me.

Bad week

It was a week of deaths in my circle and I am still thinking about it.

Last week, my friends lost not one but TWO members of their musical family.  Ernie Cruz Jr drowned and two days later his brother succumbed tho the illness that had him in hospice.  I cannot imagine the paint hat family is going through.  My friends are devastated.  How do you help someone who has lost two people in such a short time?

On Friday morning, I checked in with the family of a childhood friend of my sister's, Greg Bell, who had become a nominal Facebook friend.  He had had a stroke and his nephew said that the surgery was a success and they were just waiting for him to open his eyes.  I came home before going to my meditation group to find he had unexpectedly passed away.  It hit me hard, not because we were ever great friends, I was the "little sister' and barely tolerated by my sister's very cool friends; but the last time I saw him he gave me that megawatt smile and a big hug, as if he were truly glad to see me.  I believe he was.  NO artifice about him.  He was a talented musician and the tributes that are pouring in make me think about a few things:

• Tell someone NOW how you feel.  Don't wait until they are gone to post a heartfelt letter they will never read.
• Do something nice for someone, just because you can.  A smile and a thoughtful word go a long way
• Time is precious and as the song that popped into my head after I heard the news says "From Moment to Moment your life can change."  It's a cliche. but cliches are cliches because they are often true, that nothing is guaranteed us, except possibly this moment in time.  Make the most of those moments

At my Angel Circle, which is what my meditation group focuses on, a few people told me that Greg was there.  They did not know him, but I am sure he stopped in so that I could tell a few of his friends he wanted them to know he had made it to the other side.  He's ok and says you shouldn't worry.  I read a quote from him , talking to a friend about looking forward to that adventure, as if he knew what was coming his way.  I took comfort in it.  I firmly believe in angels, and if you don't. more's the pity. I believe we are made up of energy and our energy goes on to a different level when we leave the shell we call our bodies.  Call it heaven, call it the next realm,  whatever.  We go somewhere when we 'die" in this world and I find comfort in knowing that this friend is at peace.

Taco Tuesdays

Well, it was Taco Tuesday in my office again today.  And once again, they asked everyone but me if I wanted in.  I am getting used to it.  The tacos smell really good, everyone makes these smacking and yummy noises as they scarf down the food at their desks.   I'm getting used to it, but I can't say I have gotten to the point where it doesn't bother me.  I suppose I should just speak up about it, but I really don't want to.  It's kind of like hearing about a party and inviting yourself.  Everyone is embarrassed and you realize you are a grudging guest, not a welcome one.  My office mates aren't really mean, just thoughtless.  I came rather late to the office I work in and friendships and hierarchy was well established.  Sometimes, I honestly think they forget I work there.  I have three years left and I have worked in worse places and in worse conditions,  My job is pretty busy and I am on the phone all the time, so there isn't time to brood on this, but it got me thinking about of all things... Junior High.

You hear all the time about how mean girls can get and sometimes I think about Eileen Sexton.  Eileen was shy, with braces and a stutter and with a last name like Sexton.. well.. you figure it out.  There were a few girls who kind of picked on her, just teasing her to the point of being upsetting.  They never stuffed her in a locker or "pantsed"  her on the gymfield, but I know it must have hurt.  To this day, when I think about her, I am ashamed.  I don't remember joining the taunts, but I did something worse.  I did not speak up for her.  I wish I had and when I think of her, I hope she went on to great success- she had a marvelous singing voice, something not many people knew about.  I hope she grew up to have the most marvelous fantastic adventures ever.   Eileen, if you are out there, I hope you can forgive what happened.  Know that because of you, I often went up against the "mean girls"  there were some that I encountered who were far meaner than just teasing someone about their name.  I broke "friendships" because of it.  I came to see that I did not want to be around people who picked on those whom they considered not as "cool" as themselves.  It helped me to find good friends and to know who was just an acquaintance.

So, next Tuesday, around 10:30 when they begin talking about tacos, I am going to excuse myself; take my break.  Put on my big girl panties.   I really don't need tacos from the cart, when I can go to YUCA'S whenever I want!

Music is playing inside my head

There's a song by Carole King that starts "Music is playing inside my head, over and over again, my friends there is no end to the music"  Fine for her,she was WRITING it. Me?  I'm just earwormed.    Some of the songs are really annoying and there has to be a way to get rid of the song in your head without replacing it with another, equally annoying song.

I recently found a CD I had tucked away in my collection, by my friend and amazing musician, Cindy Alexander,  The CD dates back to the time of my divorce.  There is a song  "Warrior" which used to buoy me up and I would sing along with her ( "I'm the warrior, I'm the king I am my own hero") It made me feel better and somewhat powerful.  At the same time, my kids ( Kate and Frances, my "borrowed child") dedicated Christina Aguilar's "Fighter" to me.  This got me thinking - probably again- about songs that inspire us and give us the strength we need at the time we need it.  Songs that currently do that for me are ( in no particular order):

The Peanuts song (real title Linus and Lucy)  I play that in my office when I am frustrated by someone or some event.  By the time it gets to the break, I am feeling happier.

Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel.  Almost 30 years ago, I was working at a job where I was miserable; not just unhappy, but to the point where I had to YELL at myself in the shower every morning that I needed to go to work.  I was needing a change and was unsure how to go about it. I saw an opening at the Library and was wondering if I should go for it.  On the ride home one day, I heard this song, about making a difficult decision and listening to the voices inside you to find your way home.  Well.. the rest is history- my history anyway and I credit this song with empowering me.

Two songs by Corrinne May "the Answer" and "Everything in His time"  She is a Christian musician,  I don't really go for religious music, per se, but her voice is so lovely and her songs are like a prayer.  Sometimes, I just need a prayer to lift me up in my day.

What songs are YOUR go-to?

I have really stopped listening to the radio.  Seriously, how many times a day do I really need to hear "Stairway to Heaven'?  I am bored with the Classic Rock stations that play the same ten songs- ALL the classic rock stations play the same ten songs.  I have fled to my CD collection and the library's books on cd for my drive-time.   I just got a copy of Gerry Beckley's new solo work Carousel and will try to listen to it this week and write a review.  Its been a while since I heard and reviewed a new piece.

Death, life and everything in between

On Tuesday morning, my friend, my comrade-in-arms at McGroarty Arts Center, Michelle E. Barone died of cancer.  She had been fighting breast cancer, but it was faster than they thought and she lost that fight.  Michelle was a marriage and family therapist and a homeschool advocate who helped countless people in her short 60 years.  I will miss our talks.  When we were both on the Board I would call her from my car on the way to work in the early morning  to talk  about problems at the Center. When I think of her, I will always hear her exasperated "what the FUCK, Robyn?"  when  we discussed some knotty problem at the Center.  We both tried our very best and although I KNOW there are some in this community who will point fingers at us  if the Center does not thrive, I know that Michelle and I put everything we had into it.  I think the additional stress of  trying to run the Center with only three or four active people did not help her health.I know it did not help mine and stepping away was hard but my health has vastly improved ( so much so I no longer need to see the cardiologist on a regular basis and I am off all the heart meds).  Michelle will be missed in this world.  I know she is at peace in the next realm.

I don't make "little" mistakes.  Nope.  I make WHOPPERS!  For my class reunion, I was tasked with the memorial video.  I gathered information as to who had passed on and did my best to vet the information.  You won't believe how many people told me so-and-so is dead, only to find they were alive.  Well, I missed one catch.  In my defense, one of the two people who told me that Ray Mohammed had passed on told me they went to his funeral.  I wonder just WHOSE services they went to.  It wasn't Ray's. I am thoroughly embarrassed but glad to clear up the misinformation.  To quote Mark Twain "Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated."  It happens.  There was no malice in any of this.  It was a simple mistake.  Ray's "Death" information came in at the 11th hour for the edit and with the information that someone had gone to his services... well...    I blame no one.  I take responsibility and I know that no one bears me ill-will because of this.  We edited the video and I will make copies available, as well as have posted it on Dropbox and the link is on the Facebook reunion page for Uniques, Class of 1976. The video was beautiful and my husband Chris did a wonderful job.  He took my vision of a very simple tribute and brought it to life.

Seeing so many of the friends of my youth, was wonderful.  Fro some of them, it seemed like we were picking up a conversation we had been having just a few moments before. The dinner was too short.  We are beginning to talk about doing a 45th and taking a cruise.  Three days to Ensenada?  Sounds PERFECT!!!!!

I'm headed out this weekend to see my little man.  I am fortunate that my amazing husband understands and encourages me to go and spend time with him. Bob had my heart from the very first moment I hugged my daughter and felt him there.  SHE didn't know, but I did.  He and his G-ma have THAT kind of connection!

I'm back

I know it's been a while and that my faithful reader(s)   must have thought I fell into a hole.  I did, sort of.  The illness has gotten the better of me and the test results are encouraging in what is NOT going on but no real answer as to what is.  I am going to figure it out myself, what the triggers are and what I need to do to feel better.  I was SO sick on Saturday, it was touch and go as to whether I would be spending it at the class reunion or in the hospital.

I have been involved , somewhat, in the planning of our 40th reunion. The 30th was so sad, with a cookie cutter feel to the party and so sparsely attended I wondered what this one would be like. Frankly, without the advent of social media I don't think it would have happened at all.  We had just over 100 people and it was wonderful to see everyone and reconnect. It was a LOT of fun. Chris and I had worked on the memorial video and I must say AGAIN he did a beautiful job.  When the lights came up, I saw the looks on my classmates faces.  The intent was not to make everyone cry, but to honor those who had passed on properly. I was especially pleased to find a very happy photo of my old friend Gregory Wilson beaming with a woman and a llama in what I assumed was a memory of a trip to Peru.  I want to thank Espi Murphy and Carolyn Rodriquez for their tireless behind the scenes work on gathering photos and information.  We had a few snafus, where people told us that so-and-so was dead only to fine they were ALIVE-- YIKES!  Trina Smalley-Thalheimer (Arnold)  I'm glad we found you and you came to the party!!!  Chris and I stayed at the hotel which was way more expensive than my usual place, but I was glad of the room at the end of the party, as Chris and I were not in any shape to drive anywhere; NOT from strong drink, but pain and pure exhaustion. My knees tell me I should NOT "dance" anymore!  I really can't dance but I had fun on the dance floor all the same! I had been running on adrenaline and the crash was hard.  The room WAS a two room suite and it was very nice, but I don't think I will be going back there any time soon.   We joined our friends for breakfast in the morning and that was nice, to talk and laugh a bit more before we parted company.  I came home and slept!

Being on a committee is hard work.  There are always a few people who forget that the objective is not to put on a party or event that is THEIR vision but to work together for a common goal.  There is always that one person who want to hijack the proceedings and people I call "crabgrass" who come late to the committee and try to takeover the whole event and reinvent the thing midway through the process. .  There are always a few people who want to take all the credit for the work, without having done much of it.   When I was working on all of those branch openings, I remember one of my bosses complaining, that at the openings, "everyone who had nothing to do with it will stand up on the podium and pat themselves on the back". That's human nature, I suppose.It takes a strong leader to keep the group on task without letting the whole process turn into a battle royal  For me, the reward is the result of the work.  This party was awesome and I am happy to have played my part in it.   We are already talking about a 45th!

More unfortunate thoughts on Donald J. Trump

As a student of history, I have been sitting here, trying to remember a worse candidate for President. I can't think of one at the moment.  I am sure there was one, but in the annals of bad choices, the Donald certainly rides high.

For a candidate to OPENLY call for the assassination of his rival- then backpedal and say that is not what he meant at all- is criminal.  For him to call for espionage and offer a reward ( again, the Donald Shuffle after the fact) is nothing short of treason.  If an average citizen, not a candidate for the highest office in this land, had done that, the Secret Service would have them in leg-irons so fast their heads would swim.  But no...  There he is YOUR candidate.  He's not MY candidate.  I am trying to differentiate between the cult of personality and a true visionary leader.  The Donald is a game show host, both literally and figuratively.

His "economic plan" has been evaluated as disastrous by economists.  He has insulted our allies, insinuated we will NOT honor our treaties and agreements.  He talks about people like John McCain and Humayun Khan and his parents.  He says they are " Losers" well, in my opinion, Donald Trump is a QUITTER.  If you lose, at least you stayed in the game long enough. Mr McCain and Mr Kahn are not losers, in my book, but you watch "the Donald".The minute it becomes clear to his tiny brain that he is not winning, he is going to quit.  Just like he always does.  Remember the debates?  He wasn't getting his way so he refused to go and made up some phony fundraiser instead.  The debate dates are set well in advance.  His "conflict" was manufactured by his team when he didn't get what he wanted.
Personally, I am more interested in electing a president who is less interested in declaring the size of his "package" and more concerned with the economy , the environment and the unstable world we live in.  The Donald has such thin skin, I fear what would happen if he got his hand on "the button".  I am fairly certain that he will have what I have been calling his "Tail-gunner Joe" moment very soon.  I sort of hope that he will not do it in time for the Republican Party to be able to regroup, not because I wish them failure, but because I want them to see that what they have allowed to happen is dangerous for this county.  There really HAD to have been some members of the party who are more thoughtful and more qualified than the Clown Car of possibles they allowed to run this election cycle.  I have conservative friends and most of them are shocked by their candidates behavior. We need the Conservative point of view for balance, but we do NOT need the crazy train.   I am staying tuned.

Apria

So.. I've been sitting here all morning, waiting for them to come and deliver my husband's oxygen and equipment. They said between ten and two.  Ok.  It's now 5 minutes to two and we looked on the website and they CHANGED their time to 1-5  I swear- liberally! These people were apparently trained by the Cable company. How HARD is it to get an honest timeline on a delivery?  You can't schedule it until the day you want the delivery and in the case of Chris and his oxygen/sleep apnea machine- which is BROKEN- we need it TODAY.  I am willing to work with a four hour window, but not an EVER-CHANGING four hour window and if they were going to change it, they should have done me the courtesy of a phone call.  I should not be surprised.  Twelve years ago when my mother died, I called them to pick up her bed. I called them the night before and said I understood that they could not get it right then, but that they would pick it up the next day.  After waiting till 3 pm that day I called and was airily told that oh now they would pick it up the next day, or maybe the next.  I exploded as only I can.  I told them if they did not come for it THAT NIGHT, they could find it in the middle of Twenty-nine Palms Highway.  I was somewhat serious.  My father was NOT going to have that empty bed in the middle of the living room one more night!  I suppose you have to threaten them.  Chris just called them and they should be here soon.  This is no way to run a business, but when you are the only game in town, you can be assholes.

Garlic Festival Vacation

I had always wanted to go to the Garlic Festival in Gilroy.  I had heard about it for years.  It gets a lot of press and I thought it would be fun.  We made plans to go with friends, but he got a gig and well long story short we decided to go anyway.

We got a room at the Gilroy Motel 6.  I like Motel 6. Frankly all I need is a clean room with a bathroom and I am happy.  Motel 6 was so named because the rooms were six dollars a night.  Now, I certainly don't expect six dollars, but this room was $150!  It had a small kitchenette with a two burner cook-top, a bar sized fridge, a microwave and a toaster.  There were real plates and cutlery and one skillet.  The room itself was a bit like staying in an Ikea display room.  The bed was placed so close to the window, Chris and I had trouble getting to the AC unit and getting into the bed on that side.  It had wood floors and while that was nicer than some of the places where the rugs make the whole room smell like coca-cola and cigarettes, it made the room echo.  The sink in the bathroom had an aerator that gave you a bath if you turned it up more than a trickle,    They had Dish, so the second night Chris and I hung out in the room and watched TV.  I have been sick lately.  I cannot eat anything, more than two bites and I feel nauseous. When I DO try to swallow, about half the time whatever it is, including water, gets stuck halfway down.  I have several appointments over the next few weeks.  On the plus side, I am losing the weight I needed to loose for my knees.  It did make the vacation a bit rocky, however.

We got to the hotel late Friday afternoon and checked in.  The staff was really helpful and friendly.  We asked for restaurant recommendations and they had a bunch of them.  We decided to try one that was a "fine dining" place, but we didn't like the look of it and decided to go the the Old City Hall, which surprise, surprise, was located in the Old City Hall.  It was a really cool building and the food was good, but I could not eat more than a few bites.   Thankfully, the room had the aforementioned kitchenette and we took the food home.  Chis enjoyed it the next day.  I will give a complete review on my Stuff you can Stomach page for this and the other eateries on this trip.

I was disappointed in the Garlic Festival.  I had such high hopes that I suppose I thought it would be more than it was.  It was like a street-fair, frankly and at $20 a piece to get in, I was unimpressed.  Chris said he had hoped it would be like the Ren Faire, with strolling performers ( they were listed, but we never saw any ) and some kind of entertainment other than Country music.  There was a cover band who were not too bad, but that was about it.  The FOOD- the thing I  had been looking forward to, was the worst disappointment.   I guess I chose the wrong booth.  The "Garlic Burger" tasted as if they had started out with questionable meat and burned it.  I ate one bite.  The Garlic potato chips were raw in the middle and burnt on the outside. I wasn't feeling well to begin with and when we got back to the motel I was sicker than I have been in a while.  The vendors were nothing special and I could have stayed home and seen the same ones here for the most part.  I DID try the garlic ice-cream and it was ok, but not really worth the four plus hour drive and what we were shelling out for the hotel.  Everything was overpriced and a  bit depressing.

We found a really good place to eat Saturday night and I will review it on my other page. Cafe Thyme has a great staff and great food. they are located in a really strange place, but they are so nice, I hope they do well.  They are new, if you live in the area, give them a try.

On the drive home, we stopped at  few roadside produce stands and got some avocados and some artichokes and apricots.  Yum.  ten for a dollar avocados, tiny but for a dollar?  Heck yeah

We stopped at  Harris Ranch for lunch.  I have seen it often on our drives up to the Bay area and thought it might be nice to stop.  The food was terrible and overpriced; another thing to cross off my list of things I don't have to do again.

Our stop at the fast-food joint at the base of the Grapevine was disgusting.  I'll leave it at that.  Chris was tired and he drove all the way, both ways.  Neither one of us slept very well this trip.

It was an adventure, but I have to say to my friends who missed going with us, that at some point I was glad you did.  I think it would have been very uncomfortable for you, given everything with the accommodations and the festival itself.  I am looking forward to trying out out LOCAL garlic place, the Stinking Rose. and making my OWN scampi!!!

Politics, Politics, Politics

It's only July and I am tired of the political crap already.  I cannot believe the Republicans could not find anyone but Don The Con, as I like to think of him, to run for president. I keep thinking that he is going to open his fat mouth and say something so horrific that his own party will jettison him.  Yesterday he got close.  Frankly, I hope he keeps going.  He is not a leader in any way, shape or form.  I got into a "discussion" with a friend of a friend who defaulted to threats of fear, telling me I should brush up on my Syrian.  I feel like finding that thread and saying "How's your Russian, Comrade?" but I won't.  We have bigger things to think about.  I also have friends who are so pissed off that Bernie didn't get the nod that they are actively working to  make sure Hillary does not get elected.  Given what is predicted to be a tight race, I cannot imagine people who don't realize this is still a two-party system, no matter what they would like it to be, and that a vote elsewhere is a vote for Der Trump. My hope is that his own party will back off of supporting him.  Yesterday, his own VP made a QUICK rebuttal to what he had to say about the emails and the Russians.  AND WHERE are his tax returns???  If he is such a  great businessman, shouldn't he be PROUD of them. Those documents will never see the light of day, if HE has anything to say about it.  I would be willing to bet if we DO see them, they will be phonies anyway.

I will be doing my best to get the vote out, to talk to people about why Hillary Rodham Clinton is the ONLY choice for President.  I can't help but think if she were a man,we would not be having this discussion at all.  The thing about this country that gets me is that we frame ourselves as leaders on the world stage, but we can be some of the most backward thinking people on the planet, women and "minorities" ( the quote marks are because people of color are fast becoming the majority in this country and white America needs to get over itself about it)  We have bigger issues to face.  The Republican candidate wants us all to lose hope and to be afraid; to hide in our bedrooms- if we are heterosexual we can hide there with our spouse- and pull the blankets over our heads and scream GO AWAY.    We cannot do this and I hope we will not.  I talk to people in other countries who tell me that they are watching with disgust and trepidation.  Me too!

Poem

I was clearing out a huge pile of papers on my desk- you know the one, the "this has to be filed or looked at later or shredded or something" pile  I found this poem I wrote in response to the Magritte Painting that is sometimes called " Empire of Light" and sometimes "Dominion of Light" I suppose based on the translator.  I really like the poem and the way it makes me feel.  I wrote it thinking about the walks I used to take around the Silverlake Reservoir, back before osteoarthritis made walking something I have to consider seriously before attempting it.  It's a real bitch to have this kind of pain.  I used to LOVE walking, now it's just hard and painful.

On those walks I would pass houses in the early evening as people were settling in to their dinnertime routine.  Sometimes, I would imagine what life must be like in those large old houses, mostly inhabited I imagined by hipster families whose children have names like Drake and Portia.

Ok , that's mean.  But during my walk I would think and it would clear my head.  Sometimes I would come home and write.

This poem kicked around in my head after I saw an exhibit of Magritte's work and work that was influenced by him.  It STILL tickled me to think of the artist who gave the curator an empty frame, professing "everyone is doing one thing and I decided to do NOTHING as I felt that would be different"  That not different, that's an F in art.  Someone read  "The Emperor's New Clothes" once too often .  That the curator added it and the "Look what I bought at Aaron Brothers and am passing off as Art" artist, just flabbergasts me.  I wonder If  I should by frames and ask people to imagine what I could be doing if everyone else weren't already doing it?

Here's the poem.  I still like it.

Dominion

Night begins in the street

Daylight moves skyward
Then follows the sun
To its' western conclusion

Night begins in the house

The sound of children's laughter
Bare feet slapping on wooden floors
Gives way to the warm scent of dinner
Plates ringing
The evening is a soft comfort

The sound of a woman
Murmuring in her kitchen
The sound of a man
answering her with a low laugh

Night surrounds the house

Outside
The streetlamp
Pushes away
A small piece of the darkness
In a soft circle
Lighting the house
And the street below

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me

There has been a lot of discussion recently about the Black Lives Matter movement.  In many ways, I get it.  I am hearing stories from people I know about treatment received from police offices and I am grieved.  I am not entirely shocked, however.  My son-in -law was once arrested in Burbank for driving a "stolen" car. Mine.  It was NOT stolen, it had not been reported stolen and they ran the plates because "he looked the kind" and saw it belonged to a white woman.  Did they let him call me?  No.  They FINALLY let him call me after the arresting detective went home for the weekend.  He was stuck there for the weekend and I had to PAY to get my car out.  They released him on Monday morning.  He said after I talked to the officer in charge of the jail they treated him very well.  I wish I had known how to get him out, they said there was nothing I could do until Monday.  I think his crime was "driving while Hispanic."  Although I know that MOST cops aren't like this, the ones that I have encountered who will lie to you or treat you like a suspect for no good reason leave a bad taste in my mouth.  I had a detective look me in the face and lie to me.  I will never forgive him or forget the fact that I trusted him to be an honest man.  He broke that trust.

I think the Black Lives Matter movement began as a way to really shed light on what goes on in Law enforcement.  As with any movement, the extreme element will attach itself and become prevalent before it stabilizes.  They are using a lot of the passive resistance techniques from the 1960's Civil Rights and Anti War movements.  There are a lot of changes that need to happen, and they will not happen overnight, but a dialog must begin.   I saw the statistic about the Dallas Police force, how after firing a number of officers and  changing training methods, the incidents of  "police brutality" dropped sharply.  There is a good place to start.   I heard a discussion on NPR that concluded that it is the training methods that need to be addressed.  I saw a meme that said we have to train the public, but seriously, if you are in charge, it is YOUR actions that determine the outcome.

I read a very long article from a white woman who said, in effect, if you are white you are a racist no matter what you do.  WHAT?  Her assertion is that we can never know what it means to be Black in this country, therefore we will always be racist.  This woman took a lot of classes and joined interracial discussion groups, like taking therapy to change herself.  Well, whatever helps you sleep at night.  Of COURSE I don't know what it's like to be Black in America, just like I don't know what it's like to be a pirate in the 1600's   DUH.  But I can listen to those who are and work with them to cause change. We must work together to solve the problems of this country,.

I do not expect to see a total change in my lifetime.  As a friend pointed out, you can't erase 400 years of behavior overnight. But as every journey begins with a single step, every movement toward change begins with a single action.   I found myself thinking of the Christmas Hymn I learned as a child "Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me" .  Let us all look at ourselves and our actions and begin change.

Art music and work thoughts

I woke up this morning with a song from Warren Zevon in my head:

Every day I get up in the morning and go to work
And do my job-whatever
I need some
Sentimental Hygiene

Some days, I really feel like that. Do my job.  Whatever.  I am at the point of thinking more and more about retirement  and I have days when I wonder just what the heck I am doing there.  It's only normal.  I have been there almost 30 years ( I will hit THAT mark in October)  I had a job interview a while ago and NEVER heard back from them.  I think that's rude.  I could have at least gotten a "thanks for applying" letter, you know.  I certainly hope they are not doing a background check on me before offering me the job.  THAT would be a waste of time and energy as I decided I do not want the job.  There are a number of reasons, but they are mine alone.  I felt I would not be a good fit for the position.

 I love the music of Warren Zevon,.  I never met him and am somewhat thankful for that.  Apparently he could be a real jerk.  I prefer to think of the music he created and how it made and still makes me think and feel.  He was a genius,and apparently had little regard for those of us with average intelligence. While it might have been interesting to have a conversation with him, I think it would have changed my regard for his art.  As Joan Baez said, "Idols are best when they're made of stone" and while I did not idolize him, I think meeting and knowing him might have changed MY regard for his art.  It happened once, when I met an author whose work I admired.  He turned out to be an "anatomically specific posterior reference" to his fans.  I stopped reading him after that encounter.

I drove past a local fire station the other day and really noticed the public art on the property.  It's a large metal tree that looks like a tree that a child might imagine. It appears to be a rusted color and I can't remember for the life of me if it has always been that color.  I found myself wondering why anyone would try to sit in the 'shade" of the tree, it's a metal tree and I think it would be hotter than  cooler in the "shade" of a metal structure. It reminded me of a vaguely dystopian world, where all the green growing things have been replaced with metal objects and we are might be taught to forget living plants

I know why they have art projects at public buildings.  A percentage of all municipal building projects must contain a component for public art; kind of a cool idea actually, but some of the art is just god-awful (I'm talking about YOU , weird installation at the Sherman Way off-ramp on the Hollywood Freeway)  Some of it just leaves me cold and wondering just HOW much the artist was paid for THAT monstrosity and what the rest of the projects that came in looked like if THAT is the best they could do.  Ah well, art IS subjective and not all art appeals to all people.  I really HATE when people insist you must love a piece because it is done by a great artist or some other reason.  Art moves you in your soul or it does not.  For me, I find I love the more traditional representational art and 'modern art" leaves me cold.  I had a friend who was a well respected modern artist but I never quiet knew what to say when she showed me her new pieces.  I took to asking her about the creation aspect, what sort of paint or canvas she used or how long it took to create it, rather than oohing and aahing  about how much I loved it.  I was and am interested in the process.  I can't make a stick figure look accurate.  My grandmother's family were artists, but THAT gene seems to have been swallowed up somewhere.

As I go about my day, I will try today to appreciate the art of the natural world, the delicate beauty in flower and plants, the patterns clouds make when the wind scatters them in the sky, the color of the sunset.  I will also remember to look at art created by those talented souls who produce it to share because they must create and try to, at the very least, appreciate the effort.

June 23

Today is my 58th birthday, my last "magical" birthday.  A "magical" birthday is when one of the numbers corresponds to the age you are , so since I was born in 1958, this is it.

I woke up thinking about my mom.  I was born six weeks premature and she was terrified that something would be wrong with me.  One of the neighbors told me that she told THEM I would be ( and I'm quoting here)  "retarded and have to be institutionalized"   GEE THANKS MOM!  That's what they did back then with kids who were differently abled.  I was just really small.  I was in the hospital for a long time and they would drive to see me and I was sleeping so they wouldn't wake me up.  I was there until I gained and held my weight.  They were supposed to keep babies until they made 5 pounds, but I was not quite there, but was holding my own.  GEE I wish I had trouble gaining weight NOW!

We are heading out for a small vacation.  I have NO plans to do anything where we are going except rest and maybe read.  I need a vacation of nothing. Vacations like the one we had in May are fun and I loved seeing Anna and hanging out with her, but I really need some down time of just Chris and me.

I will write a more thoughtful blog when I return.  I have been thinking about growing up in the Valley in the 60's   I saw this thing on line about brown bag lunches through the ages.  For the 60's it said kids were sent to school with a wedge salad?  HUH?  I never even HEARD of a wedge salad until I was in my 40's.  Seriously.  Lunch was peanutbutter and jelly ( I wasn't allergic as a kid) or bologna or some other gross kind of lunch meat. An orange that usually rolled over on your sandwich in the lunchbox and flattened it, chips maybe ( whatever happened to Laura Scudders or Granny Goose?) and some kind of sweet- "ding dongs" anyone?   Milk in a thermos that came with the lunch box. After seeing that, I wondered where the filmmaker did their  research.

I've been having conversations with people of my own age about the difference between our childhoods and what kids are doing now. I saw this whole conversation online about how our children's innocence was ruined by lock-down drills. We had A-bomb drills.  NOT that they would have helped AT ALL- you can't run and hide form nuclear fallout- but we lived under the constant fear of nuclear annihilation. People built BOMB SHELTERS in their backyard, for crying out loud!  Let's not get me started today.

I am off to a free breakfast at some point today at Denny's.  They give it to you anytime today and I like breakfast for lunch or breakfast for dinner so it's a win-win for me!  I just don't want them singing anything...

Odd Friday thoughts

I'm running late, as usual, but I wanted to get a thought out there.   Yesterday, I went to grab a bite to eat with my husband.  I like having a meal out with him, as he and I have work schedules that don't often jibe.  It's nice to look across a table at my handsome husband and just talk.

One of the items on the soda machine was Orange Crush and I got that , added to my iced tea. It was ok, but  I should have  used a larger ratio of soda to tea.  I know, I'm weird.  It got me thinking about how when I was a kid, you could tell the soda by the shape of the bottle. I miss that.  Coke has sort of done that with their product, but the rest of the soda companies have abandoned unique shapes in favor of boring generic plastic bottles. Saves money, but I think the stuff tastes better in the unusual bottles, as if the shape changes the taste somehow. It might. I remember talking to someone about it when I was a kid, about how the long neck on the RC bottle made RC taste different.  I haven't HAD an RC in years and I wonder if I can find it, even in plastic, around here.   I see the Pepsi and Coke that is bottled in Mexico in the old style bottles, but rarely buy it.  Coke sells teeny tiny bottles of Coke in six-packs.   It makes me miss the old days.  I can hear my mother singing the Pepsi jingle from HER childhood ( "Twice as much, for a nickel too, Pepsi-Cola is the drink for you')  When did Coca-Cola become Coke and Pepsi-Cola become Pepsi?  Probably in the 70's.   Remember the shape of the 7-Up bottle was a fat bottom with a long neck?   I wonder why THAT was- maybe just to be different than the cola drinks.

I am showing my age, longing for simple things from my childhood.  Next week I will have my last "magical" birthday- I will be 58.  I was born in 1958,  I had a friend who called those "magical birthdays" when the date and age corresponded.  I hope it will be a magical year for me, but I suppose if I just wake up next to Chris every day, it will be.

Pride Parade, Orlando Shooting.

On Sunday morning, we got up early to ride in the West Hollywood Pride Parade.  I saw the horrible news about the shooting at the nightclub in Orlando but I don't think it sunk in that it was a gay nightclub until I got to the branch and we began talking about it.  I could not fathom how ONE PERSON could kill and wound so many people.  I see he had something called an MCX, which looks like something the military should have.  I cannot, for the life of me, understand why a private citizen would want to own and be able to own a gun that is essentially a weapon of mass destruction.  I am sick and tired of the extreme gun nuts and YES I called them nuts, who claim the Second Amendment  allows them to own such things. I am NOT advocating that people in this country not be allowed to own guns.  I know many people ( now I sound like Der Trump) who own guns and who hunt, some to put food on the table.  Those people, RESPONSIBLE gun owners, are not my complaint. I wonder about people like the Orlando shooter, who were on some kind of FBI watch list, but seriously I wonder why anyone has to own an assault rifle.  Deer don't fire back.

Chris and I joined my colleagues from the library in marching in the parade.  Well, WE didn't march.  No way my knees could take it.  We were able to ride in the van that is painted like the classic LAPL Library card.  We rode with the sliding door open, calling out to the crowd.  The crowd seemed happy to see us, and especially to see Ghost, the dog who belongs to our coordinator.  SHE worked the crowd like a rock star.  Poor puppy was wiped by the time the parade was over  The crowd was a mixed bag of people, some outlandishly dressed, some that just looked like people from the neighborhood.  Everyone seemed to be having a good time.  The parade itself started and hour late, or maybe it just took that long for it to reach us at the rear of the procession.  There was a heavy presence from the Sheriff's Department, but not dressed in riot gear or helmets.  They seemed comforting, somehow  as if they were saying, "We are here to make sure YOU can march" They DID have a concerted ring around what I like to think of as the protesters "corral"   This is placed off to the side on one of the widest streets.  I could hear them chanting "shame on you"  and the crowd laughingly chanting back "NO,  shame on YOU!"  it reminded me of a football game where the fans chanted slogans back and forth, not really meaning anything by it.  I found myself, again, wondering just WHO Jesus would hate. I get the feeling that those guys are going to have a long talk with him at some point where he clarifies the "love ye one another" part of his message to his followers.  It was a long day, but we felt good at the end of the parade.  It is especially important to me that the library be visible as a symbol of inclusion.  On the wall of the Central Library there is a quote "Books invite all: they constrain none."

On the drive home, I was looking at the clouds.  I was tired.  Sometimes when clouds are scattered by the wind, they are drawn across the sky like a child pulling apart cotton candy. To me, this always looks like angels and Sunday was no different except in the middle of one of the angels, I saw what looked like a rainbow.   I wish I had taken a photo and wonder if it would have turned out anyway.  As a child I was taught that rainbows are a message of hope from God.  I believe this rainbow was just that.

Trip wrap up and Where NOT to stay in Hayward

We traveled from Reno to Tuloumne via Carson City.  We had breakfast at Mom and Pops Diner, and each of us had hearty breakfast  I am paying the price of eating too many plates of biscuits and gravy and this place was no exception.  The waitress asked me if I could wait, as they had JUST put the biscuits in the oven.  Fresh biscuits?  Could I WAIT???   YES. The food was good and the service was friendly.

I fell asleep on the ride over the mountains.  I missed the treetops, but frankly I was exhausted.  Pain is no joke and it has been taking it's toll on me.  I had to take much more of the pain meds than I am used to in order to cope.  NOT more than the recommended dose, just more than I usually take, as I take the minimum.  There was snow on the trip over the mountain back into California.

Black Oak Casino is a kind of new facility, they just opened the hotel three years ago, nice but blah.  The food in the casino was good, not as great as I remember from last time, but pretty good for casino food.  Maybe I was just tired and somewhat irritable.  I hope I was not a "pill"

We made reservations at the La Quinta Hotel in Hayward for our last night.  It was near enough to the Amtrak station that Anna would not have to get up at the crack of dawn to take us; we could catch a cab.

We did not stay there.

The first room had a strong smell of mold and when we looked at the ceiling we could see where there had been a leak that was just painted over, no mold abatement.  We trooped back to the reservation counter and were given another room.

I found two VERY long black hairs on the bed and when we pulled back the coverlet, it was OBVIOUS that someone had had a romantic encounter on the bed and remade it.

We fled.

We went back to the counter and told him we were leaving.  Chris called booking.com to get a refund, they had already charged us, and we were given the ok.

Now that my card has been refunded, I will be posting on their website,

We wound up staying at the Days Inn, or as I call it, the Roach Motel.   The smell of disinfectant cleaner was omnipresent, but we were tired and it was clean.  The next morning I saw a roach climbing the wall in the bathroom.  YUCK, but what did I expect?

We got a taxi ride from a weird guy who was smoking when he got out and wanted to argue with us as to where we wanted to go.  He thought he was getting a huge fare to the OAKLAND station when we wanted to go to the Hayward station.  He was pissed off.  He chanted all the way there.  We did give him $10 , which was probably twice what it cost, but he hadn't started the meter (probably cheating his employer anyway)

We caught the Capitol Corridor.  Remember I asked the Amtrak person about this train?  Her answer was if we could get the luggage on the rack above the seats we could take it.  She was wrong.  There was a luggage area near the door and we were able to stow our gear easily.  We did help out another confused rider, who was unsure as to which station he was at, He needed to get off at the station AFTER ours.  I hope he did.

We made the Amtrak heading for home.  It was running late.  Apparently the southbound train has that issue.

Once again we needed to eat on the train and I discovered that the CAFE CAR had tables that could accommodate Chris!  YEAH.  The food was still bad, but we were able to watch the ocean going by while eating a meal at a TABLE. While it did not feel like the old time elegance I had desired, it was nice to feel somewhat human as we ate our meal.

We arrived about an hour late, bedraggled and ready for home. It took forever to get a taxi, but once he arrived it was a nice trip back to the car.  We left our car at Chris' work, leaving it in Van Nuys for that long would have been an invitation to disaster.

Home again, I collapsed in our bed and I had to get u at 5:30 for work.  Remind me to build in a rest day next time.

 I am STILL tired!

Vacation, Part 3 Delights and disappointments

We arrived at Harrah's on Friday night and after much indecision, decided to go to the Carvings Buffet at Harrah's.  I had been there before and had not been really impressed but we were hungry and tired from the road and it seemed like a good idea.  I had seen a sign about half price if you were over 55 ( which I am)  and we asked about it.  The   cashier said no that was only Sunday - Thursday.  Bummer.  We laughed and thanked her and decided to eat there anyway.  We were already there, we were hungry.  Anna paid the bill and neither of us realized that she had comped us two meals until we sat down and looked at the check.   With Chris using some of his points, the meal for the three of us was around $16.  That was amazing.

Friday was seafood and I ate a HUGE pile of steamed clams and peel and eat shrimp.  I posted a more detailed review on www.stuffyoucanstomach.com.  The service was good and the food was a surprise.

I have detailed our breakfast adventure on www.stuffyoucanstomach.com as well.

We wanted to go to Virginia City.  I had seen this page about a stagecoach ride and it looked REALLY fun.  We decided we wanted to do it.  We got out really late, as it took us forever to find a breakfast house and eat.  We got to Virginia City and found the Visitor Center only to be told that the stagecoach hadn't run in TWO YEARS!  We were very disappointed, but they told us to take the tractor tour ( it's a tractor pulling a line of tram cars)   Nice tour with a lot of colorful information.  We missed the train ride and we have talked about going back, maybe staying at a B&B in town and seeing all the sights.  There was an old time candy store and I bought a bag of rock candy on a string, like I remember from my childhood.  Now they put it on a stick but I bought the string kind for old times sake.  We had a drink ( sarsaparilla for me) in a themed saloon and played the Kenny Roger Gambler machine. We should have known when to fold 'em, We lost!  But it was fun and we returned to Reno.  We went to the three Casinos that are connected Circus Circus, Silver Legacy and the El Dorado.  We neither won nor lost there, stayed much later than my knees could take and tumbled into bed.  Dinner at the Silver Legacy was "meh" and I am not going to rate it except to say the cheese dip appetizer was SO bad we sent it back,

We headed for Carson City for breakfast and back to Black Oak Casino in Tuolumne, CA

Vacation Part 2

Chris reminded me that not everything on our vacation was bad.  I agree there were good parts, but my perception is colored by the fact that I was in more pain than  I could really cope with,despite taking larger than normal doses of my meds.  I was not over dosing, but I take the bare minimum usually and now I was taking the recommended dose.  I was hurting and frustrated. I used to be able to at least WALK.  Now I can't even do that.   I need to really start to push myself to get stronger.  I hate feeling this way.  Osteoarthritis sucks.

So.. The good stuff.   We stayed at the Fairfield Inn in Hayward the first night. Anna has adopted cats and I am allergic to them so we could not stay with her. Hotels are getting a bit pricey for what you get but this was a large comfortable room  The bed was comfortable, the bathroom spacious and the place was super clean,  We had been on the train forever and we were exhausted.  We fell asleep quickly. I had forgotten to pack the toothpaste, but the hotel had emergency packs and they handed me two.  I went next door to the 7-11 to use the ATM only to discover it had been ripped out.  It had yellow tape all around the area where it had been.  I joked it looked like crime scene tape, but more likely it was just being upgraded.  Our window overlooked the Starbucks drive through which was packed with caffeine junkies all morning ( no judgement, I love my coffee too!)

The price of the room included breakfast, so although he was reluctant to go, I made Chris go to the courtyard to get something.  It was a delight.  A full breakfast bar with real coffee, eggs and do-it-yourself- waffles.  I was stuffed!  I am supposed to cut back on coffee, but this vacation I drank a lot  of it.

We took off for Reno, after finding a 7-11 with a working ATM.  I bought three scratchers and Anna won!  I had hoped it would be the start of a winning vacation for her, but no such luck.  We spent most of what I call my "entertainment budget" coming home with some of it but not really winning anything.  We won enough to keep playing, that's about it..

We stayed at Harrah's in Reno.  I like Harrah's   The place is comfortable, the staff is friendly and they have a Starbucks right when you get off the elevator.  They DO have in-room coffee but that's more like coffee flavored water than real java.  I bought VENTIS for me and Anna!

More on Reno and the ill-fated trip to Virginia City tomorrow!

Vacation Blogs Day 1

I am back from vacation and I am sifting through notes and recollections for the six days of possibly the most frustrating, in many ways, vacation I have ever known.  There were good parts-  hanging out with my husband and my mother in law, which was mostly the point of this vacation.  Almost NOTHING went as anticipated.   Maybe I should not expect anything next time and I will be surprised.

DAY ON on Amtrak

My "romance" with train travel  pretty much dies on Thursday.  I've been on trains before and I was sure I would love this trip from Van Nuys to Oakland.  People who have taken the train said I would love it too.  We upgraded to Business class, which gave you free WiFi two bottles of water and $6 off the food.  The seats were larger, which was a good thing, because Chris is a large man,   This experience does not have me hungering for more and as I write this in the hotel, I am not looking forward to the trip home.  When I was on the train before, we had wonderful service.  This time, although it was a long haul train ( this is the Coast Starlight, Northbound I am talking about), we might just as well have been riding an MTA bus.  I had to hunt down a conductor to ask my questions and I am Still not sure I got the right answers. We will see. ( The answer was yes and no, but it worked out ok)

AS I suspected, the best seats on the observation car were staked out early and were not relinquished until the beach scenery was gone.  On the plus side, we did get seats on the beach side of the train in Business class.  Those seats were nicer and roomier than coach.

We snagged seats upstairs on the Beach side and that was very nice until the aging Valley Girl sat down behind us and got on her phone and began yapping.  She complained- LOUDLY_ that she had to buy an upgrade to Business Class to get WiFi  and that she was PISSED that she could not sit in the observation car and do her work. I did not realize just how far it is from Van Nuys to San Luis Obispo, HER final destination. Maybe it just seemed longer.  She was very loud on her multiple business calls.

The scenery was lovely and Chris and I took turns taking photos.  There are places I just want to visit, by car this time, to get some nice photos.

The food on the train deserves it's own page.  Go to my restaurant review page www.stuffyoucanstomach.com  to see the gory details!

The trip was long, but we did get to Oakland on time, which was nice.  The snafu of missing my Mother-in law, who had a new phone number and thought we had it was a bit disconcerting and began the  series of WTF moments that made up this vacation.

AS she has just adopted a few cats and I am allergic, we spent the night at a local hotel which will be covered in the next blog

Happy Birthday Dad

The other day, on my way to work, Pandora played "Leader of the Band" by Dan Fogelberg.  The song always reminds me of my father even though he was not a band leader.  There is a line "he gave to me a gift I know I never can repay"  I started crying (I'm crying now as well).  I can never make it through that song without crying.  The last line before the chorus "Papa I don't think I said 'I love you' near enough" has me sobbing. It's funny how certain songs will do that to you.

Today would have been my father Robert Myers' 96th birthday.  He was born in Chester PA and always loved the place. I read now that Chester is one of the most dangerous cities in America, but for my father it was a kind of heaven; a farming community filled with cousins , aunts and Uncles and his grandfather  who taught him to swear in Gaelic. His parents split up when he was young and he lived with his father until he was killed in a household accident ( well not really a household accident.  It was Prohibition and the pot of tar they had on the stove to seal the barrels to store the hooch exploded on him.  Nasty horrible way to die in my opinion).   He moved around between Aunts and Uncles, staying with his favorite Uncle Jim until his mother came to claim him and his brother. He didn't want to go but she took him anyway and he lived with his mother and stepfather in New York.  He had three other siblings and he loved them all.  He never quite got over the death at 17 of his brother Junie, whose heart had been damaged by , I think, rheumatic fever.  He had quite a few adventures and told great stories that made you laugh.   I kind of get that from him .  I think I tell some funny stories myself.  I got his "cooking gene"  He was a professional cook and supported us by working in a variety of "houses" or "stores"  He met my mother at the pool at the St George Hotel in Brooklyn, where his first encounter with her was to push her into the pool.  She couldn't swim.  He went in after her.  The rest as they say , is history ( well MY history anyway!)

I miss him every freaking day and wish I could talk with him just one more time.  I "talk" to him in the kitchen when I leave a knife in the sink for more than a few seconds ( a HUGE mistake in his book and I try NEVER to do that)  I hope he is still proud of me.  When I was getting an award in City Council a few years before he died, the Councilman asked if he were proud of me.   He held his hands out to indicate a size and said "I've been proud of her since she was this big"  I think he's pleased as punch at his great-grandson Bobby, who seems to have inherited his charm.  He could charm the birds out of the trees. Bob ( I call him little Bob) looks like my father when he laughs.  He also has his ears, but that's another story.

So Happy Birthday, Dad.  I miss you.  We will share a beer in Heaven one of these days.

Dreams

Big surprise that I haven't been sleeping well.  Don't know why, but my rhythms seem off.  I fall into a heavy sleep then wake up WIDE awake two hours later.  I have to try to empty my mind and sleep.  I long for soothing relaxing dreams but lately they are just a chaotic extension of  my day.

Last night, or more accurately this morning, I dreamed I was working.  I was doing library stuff in the lobby of a weird hotel  I was having trouble with their phone system and I kept trying to find the paperwork to order paperback racks- we needed  something like a thousand of them, and I kept just finding more and more stacks of paper.  My boss- not any of my real bosses but someone I knew was my boss- kept handing me more stacks of paper that were just in a mixed up clump, not a neat stack.  In frustration, I tossed them on the sofa until the sofa was covered with paper- it was lined looseleaf paper by the way.  The boss sat on the sofa and I tried not to let her know I was frustrated.  IN the pile of things I found a book I was trying to read called Mrs Ysiguire's' eyeglasses ( there is no such book, I checked).  In the dream I knew it was about a Japanese woman who had been in the camps as a young girl and now was trying to get a new pair of glasses and to tell her story.  I REALLY wanted to read the book but it kept getting trapped in the papers and I kept losing it.  Someone kept yelling at me that I had transferred some complaining person to the speaker system in the hotel and now everyone could hear his complaints.  I woke up tired.

If I think about it, I know the dream means I am feeling overwhelmed at work- well DUH.   I wonder if somewhere in the dream is the solution.  Am I supposed to write the book?  That might be interesting as I know nothing about that era and I wonder if I could actually develop a character like her.  Her story was real in my mind.

I have been told that dreams are your subconscious, trying to tell you something.  Today, or this evening, when I am not so busy, I might give it some thought.  I just hope for a nice flying dream!

Music

I have often thought that musicians are our current poets and philosophers.  I often find something that helps me find my direction when I am questioning my mind , in a song. Last night on the way home, I heard a Phil Collins song from the 80's I had not heard in a long time. I liked Phil then, before he became sort of a public arrogant bastard.  The lyrics resonated:

Now everybody keeps telling me how to be
and everybody tells me do what they say
Oh, I'll help myself it's up to me and no one else
but till I'm ready just keep out of my way


I wonder sometimes if music comes into our lives at the moment we need it.  I know that hearing "Solsbury Hill" years ago helped me to decide that it was time to change jobs.  I was incredibly unhappy and did not know what I wanted to do- much more unhappy than I am now.  For THAT job I had to talk myself into going to every day and I would flee the minute my time was up.  It was a bit like serving time, I suppose, but not really.  It was horrible in every aspect.  My current situation is not like that.  I am overworked, well I FEEL overworked, and I hope for relief and change. The job I applied for is all writing and research, but it IS with he Police Department and I have had my doubts about working for another law enforcement agency ( my former Job From Hell was with Parking Enforcement).  I am still unsure.  I will follow some advice and take the interview if it is offered.  I think I will know when I go if it is right for me.  What stops me is that I have two to three years left and I am feeling conflicted.  Really conflicted.  Do I want to leave people I love- and I do love the people out there in my branches- to do something else?  My focus has always been to try to serve the greater good.  Libraries do that.  I suppose I need to look within, see what it is I want in my "career"  although at this stage of the game can I really call my working life a career?  I am struggling, and oversharing here in the blog I suppose.  But this blog IS titled "Inside Robyn's Brain" and I warned you from the outset that it would be a trip inside my mind from time to time.  Welcome to the chaos of thought that is my mind right now!

I will seek out soothing music and the philosophy of singers whose work may unexpectedly help me unlock the puzzle.  I can only ask myself what next, as there is really no one else who really knows what I  want,and I'm not sure I even know.