December is here

I forgot to open the little door on the Advent calendar.  Christmas is 24 days away and I am in more uproar than normal.

I need to shop
I need to bake
I need to figure out just what and where I am doing... anything!

So far, the holiday is NOT something I am looking forward to. As an adult, the holiday is like a snowstorm.  IT looks pretty in the distance, but when you are in the middle of it, it's not so much fun.

I need to take a breath.  I want this to be a nice holiday for all of us.  I need to remember that doing something to make it so is all I can do.  Unhappy people will always be unhappy.  I can't help but feel this will be one that burns into our memories for a variety of reasons.

I need to bake. 

We are decorating minimally, as the plan it to be elsewhere on Christmas day. I guess I am just tired and the thought of all that needs doing is getting to me.

I need to remember what I always tell myself.  When life gets overwhelming, take small bites.  I need to break it down into do-able doses, as the song says.  I am a planner, so tonight I will take a look at everything I think I need to do and see what  I NEED vs what I want.


Just takes money which is always in short supply around here these days.

I need to scale back my expectations on myself.  I need to see what I can do and go from there,  I am not Wonder Woman.  I need to ask for and ACCEPT help in some of what need to be done.

Christmas baking always makes me think of my mom.  I will probably be baking on Sunday, if working the Mini-maker faire at the Library doesn't take all of my energy this Saturday.  It's a HUGE event, lots of fun but lots of work for all involved.

I NEED sugar cookies and I am dying to try my cookie roller that I bought from Pampered Chef earlier this year.  If it works well, I may take it out to the kids house to bake cookies with Bob.  He is quite the little chef.  We baked cookies together when his brother was born.  The kids  all love the sugar cookies.  Decorating can be fun.  When we baked together, I would up covered in flour.    He loved the experience, so that is all that really matters.

Gotta get moving.  I have a busy week ahead of me.  I have a lot of Union stuff to do.  I had to laugh.  We were watching The last Jedi and there was that scene where they catch up with Maz and she is in the middle of a fire-fight and they ask her what is going on and she says "union dispute"  I could SO relate!

Happy Monday!   2020 is just around the corner.

Let today be over SOON!

Today is the election I am overseeing.

Without calling out the organization by name- if you know me you can figure it out- I am NOT looking forward to doing this.

The governing body made some decisions that, although they were their right and I have no idea of the backstory, were badly executed and WILDLY unpopular.  If they had handled the announcement  of the decision properly we would probably NOT be in this mess.   Maybe not, as I think some disgruntled then-employees were adding fuel to the fire for their own perceived gain.

In any case, part of the fallout dragged an organization we are affiliated with into the mix.  THEY insisted ( based on what MUST have been horrific stories of malfeasance) that we relocate the election to a neutral site and that they would observe.

Here is why I am so salty about it:

• The ballot counting is always held in an open forum and anyone may observe
• The ballots are counted by a third party organization and are NEVER interacted with by either  the Committee or the employees
• NONE of the people who are claiming that without all of this we can't hold a "fair and clean election" have ever BOTHERED to show up at the counting.
• I am upset that they would insinuate that my Committee is not strong and independent enough to withstand any pressure from the governing body or the employees ( who BTW all work for the members)
• Now, instead of counting in a place more central to our membership, we have to schlep about a half an hour OUTSIDE City limits just to make someone feel better.

Whatever.

The accusation makes me rethink my commitment to this organization.  Frankly, my time as a member IS winding down and maybe they just need new blood all the way around.  I will think about my committee commitments ( I have several) and the overall work that I do in support of this organization.

I am NOT political in the sense that I want one person or another to run THIS organization.  I just want what is best for it.  It has been through worse and maybe SOME clarifications of policy will be made as a result of all of this.  At this moment however, I am tired to my bones.  I have NOT been sleeping or eating and this has caused a serious flare in my PH.  Last night, I had chest pains that made me wonder if I should skip our anniversary celebration dinner and go straight to emergency.  I didn't want to pay $100 to have them tell me it wasn't a heart attack.  I know it wasn't because it's the same pain as  the LAST two times I wound up in emergency.  UGH.  Still I am looking forward the THIS chapter in the book of this organization to be OVER.  To continue the metaphor, tomorrow is a blank page and I will see what I will write as my final portion of the tale.

Birth and death and things in between.

My second grandson, Mason Edward, arrived earlier than expected.  Mommy and baby are doing fine and the family dynamic is changing to include the new little guy.

Over the past several months I have been to several "memorial services" or "celebrations of life"  The most recent was yesterday, a former co-worker,  Kathryn Carr who was almost 100 ( she was NOT as some claimed 101, having been born in 1920 and even THIS English major could do the math.)

Funerals and such ceremonies are for the living.  I have been to these services where it was apparent that the officiant did not know or care to know anything about the person that was being laid to rest.  They were just out trying to get people to join their congregation.

Yesterday's service was nice, some funny recollections of  Mrs Carr ( strangely no mention EVER of a MR. Carr)   and it was good to sit among old friends and catch up and reminisce.

So often we gather together at these things and say "we must get together" and often we try but never do.  Some of these folks I keep up with on Facebook, and I hope to have a long lunch with one of the retirees and will make an effort to do so.

Sometimes the ritual can be comforting.  I don't know if I came away with anything in particular.   I did find this coincidence interesting:

One of the passages read was the one from Ecclesiastes 3 ( to everything there is a season)  On the way HOME  I heard the Byrds song based on those verses.

Was God trying to hammer home something?

I am currently going through a difficult time with an organization I have been involved with.  A group of people , either accidentally or intentionally, have made accusations that  I feel have besmirched my character and impugned my good name.  I say accidentally, because it IS possible that in their desire to take control, they did not think of the implications of the implied accusation of wrongdoing on the part of a committee I chair.  I am upset, to say the least.  I try to be as honest as I possible can be and that may be my undoing. 

So I wonder and will talk to someone I trust, it it time for THIS season to end or is there still work I have promised that must be done.  In any case, my heart is heavy. 

Angels watching over me

I pulled three cards from my desk of angel card this morning, asa I do sometimes, to get a message of hope or guidance.

Now, some of you don't believe in this and that's just fine, but it's kind of the same thing I also do,in flipping open my Bible ( see I OWN ONE!) and hitting a random verse.

Same messenger IMHO.

Today's message was about courage and strength.  It reminded me that the angels are watching over me and protecting me, that I need to be ready to take my place in guiding someone and loving them.

So... my grandson is getting ready to make his entrance.  I am heading out to 29 to help my daughter and her family .  I wonder if Mason is going to need his Gogo in his life.  His Gogo sure needs him. 


As I get my act together and pack for the trip, I will lean on my angels, maybe even hum the Spiritual we used to sing " All night all day, Angels watching over me, my Lord"

May the angels watch over you as well.

415 days, more or less

This Saturday, I will have held my current job ( with one or two titile and salary changes) for 33 years. 

There are things I love about my job ( people) and things I don't love ( other people 😡😡  )  but this morning, BEFORE COFFEE, I tried to do the math on how many days until my stated retirement.  My fuzzy pre-caffeinated brain came up with around 415.

Ok then.

Now what.

My plan , at this moment, is to eventually retire out to the house in 29 Palms.  It is NOT our dream destination, but it is a slower pace and I think we can make it work ok.  We really need to win the lotto so I can live near a river or a lake or something.  No  whatever dam that is in the Monument ( I still call Joshua Tree "the Monument") does not count.

What am I going to DO with myself?

I keep hoping some hidden talent will emerge and I will suddenly have something to do that will keep me occupied and maybe make a little spare change on the side, but I seriously doubt I am suddenly going to become Grandma Moses or anything like that.

Writing is a hobby and no one- or very few people- seem to read this blog ( based on the numbers they give me and the fact that almost NO ONE comments)  I never was much of a short story writer.  Maybe  I can take a class or something.

Sigh.

I am looking at the future with equal amounts of hope and dread, which is all we can really do these days.   I just want to make it to 2020, when change is truly possible and the future may become clearer.

Here's to March 15, 2021.  Beware the Ides of March!

For Greg

When you placed
the gun against your head
and tried
to blow away the demon
you thought was lurking there
you missed

You didn't kill the pain
You broke it into
an extraordinary number of pieces
that flew
into the hearts
and the souls
of those who loved you

It's not the part of you
we need inside us

We needed  part of your warmth
your zeal
your humor
your grace

Instead
along with memories of better days
and longing to have
just one more talk
one more meal
one more
day
We have your pain

We will carry that inside us
it will rise to the surface
When we remember your laughter,
When we reconsider your words
When we speak your name

Harry Potter, witchcraft and random fantasy genre thoughts

Someone posted a rant on a friend's FB page - which she started by saying her kids had never seen the Harry Potter movies.  This person on her page went off on a mini rant about how no member of his household would be allowed to either read the books or see the films, alluding to the mistaken fact that it is about Satanism.  PAY ATTENTION HERE this person has never cracked a single tome or seen any of the films.

I responded by saying that the themes of the Harry Potter series are friendship, love, good fighting evil and love. I asked the person if they boycotted ALL fantasy genre or just the Potter books.  He did not respond.

It got me thinking about things:

The overriding theme of "Potter" is that love will triumph. Harry is saved from death by his mother's love.  All of the characters on the "good" side" are motivated by love and even Draco's mother helps Harry in exchange for knowing if Draco is still alive in Hogwarts.

When the Potter books came out, SOME preachers had a FIT ( without reading them BTW) about the "magic" in the books and saying that they were encouraging children to seek Satan ( who must be ROYALLY pissed that he is NOT an actual character the book.)

I wondered about a few things.

Witches are considered evil and in league with the Devil, but Wizards are not.  Case in point Merlin, Gandalf and Dr Strange.  I didn't see anyone out there protesting Lord Of The Rings or any of the Marvel films.  It got me to wondering if this isn't some sort of way to keep women "in their place"  After all, witches are powerful beings and if they are equal with their male counterparts well then they MUST be EVIL.

I started to think about all the fantasy genre books I have read that contained magic- if the problem here is that by putting magic "spells" in the story line, we are encouraging something these preachers fear.

Off the top of my head:

Lord of the Rings
Bed-knobs and Broomsticks
Mary Poppins. ( I haven't read the book, but in the beloved film, certainly what Mary does IS magic)

Are those offensive?

Is MARY POPPINS ( gulp) in League with the Devil???

Ok, but you get my point.  Literature, good literature, makes you think and dream.  Emily Dickinson said it best "There IS no frigate like a book to take us lands away"

If you don't want your child to read the books, then by all means limit their access.  DO NOT try to tell me what my child ( or grandchild) can read. 

it's been 15 years

August 29


Fifteen years ago, my beautiful, brilliant mother lost her battle to Alzheimer's

It does NOT get easier, in fact, in some ways the passing of the years and the reaching of milestones makes it worse.

In the time she has been gone:

I got a divorce.  I won't go into details, but I am proud of the way I did what I did.  I am a better person because I am not married to that person.

I met and married the love of my life.  It grieves me that my mom never met Chris.  She would have been nuts about him and she would have been thick as thieves with him mom , Anna.

Her granddaughter Kate graduated from college, got married and has one son with another son on the way.  She started her own business and is doing ok.

Our family has a hole in it, and has since she crossed over.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about my Mom, wish I could call her to share some tiny bit of news, or visit her and cook in her kitchen.  I miss her most at Christmas- her favorite holiday.  I bake more cookies than we can eat, remembering how she would bake and give the cookies to the neighbors as a holiday treat.  I can't bear to make lebkuchen.

Alzheimer's stole her from us, bit by bit.  The year she died, my sister and I did a walk in her honor and raised over $1,500 in her name.  It is my hope that one day, families will not go what we went through and that this will be curable.

She once told me she was glad she could not remember the exact date that her mother died (Ironically it was August 11, which is Kate's birthday)  My grandmother died of the "family cancer" during the Watts Riots.  Unfortunately I remember the day my mother passed on.  The number 29 resonated with my family:

My Dad was 29 when he met my mother
My mother was 29 when my sister was born
I was 29 when Kate was born
They lived in 29 Palms
My mother died on August 29
My Dad died on March 29.

I wonder if that means anything or it's just an odd coincidence.

Still I miss you Mom.  There should not be tears left, but there are.

If you still have your mom here, hug her tight for me today.

Recovery

So... NOT doing as well as I had hoped and I have pt twice a week.  This has been hampered by a WICKED case of vertigo.

UGH

Going to therapy in a bit.  Think good thoughts.  My knee is super tight.  I have been working on it, but I think I need to do more than I have.  I need a COACH!!!

Slightly dizzy and SUPER cranky- pain and lack of sleep will do that to me.  I am hoping that I improved a BIT since last week.

On the PLUS side, I have lost six pounds....

More thoughts later on being stir crazy and the lack of intelligent commercials!

Staples and other post surgical adventures

I am sitting here, waiting on my primary care dr who was supposed to call me at 9.  She's either late, or had blown me off.  Can I charge HER for the missed appointment?

Seeing the surgeon today.  They are going to take out the staples.  I have too many to count, they look icky.  As I recall this doesn't really hurt.   I just want them OUT so I can move on to the next phase.
Yes I am doing my PT.  Yes, it hurts, but I need to be able to SIT more than 20 minutes without needing to get up or ice it. 

Some things just take time.

Apparently Norco gives you hallucinations.  Who knew? ( everyone else!)   I was seeing pink trees on the ceiling and had a nice convo with both my mother and my father ( although those MIGHT have been visits)  I know I am hallucinating. It's not fun.  I never understood the appeal of hallucinogens,

The surgery and aftercare went well and I came home the day after.  Chris has been wonderful.  I worry about HIM.

Keep a good thought for me around 2 pm when they take the staples out!

Surgical thoughts

today is the day.  Am I scared?  YOU BET, but as the song says "It's ok to feel afraid, but don't let that stand in your way"  He's talking about love, but you really can apply that wisdom to just about any endeavor in your life.

I am off work for six weeks.  I have to stay HOME for two.  So... if you are so inclined, PLEASE call me and come and see me- don't come by without calling, apparently they are giving me serious Norco and I might be totally gorked out in the bedroom...

I have books I may need more but I don't know.  I have food- we bought a TON of easy to make stuff for Chris to try his cooking skills on ( he CAN cook) 

I appreciate the good thoughts and prayers and encouragement.  I am still having people tell me horror stories and I REALLY think that is counter-productive, to say the least.

I will be in Kaiser Pan City overnight.  It's an afternoon surgery and a LONG one, so keep me in your thoughts around 2 pm today.

I've got this- and will have a dandy scar to show my grandsons ( yes there will be two of them in November- Heaven help Gogo!)

Happy Independence Day

It's the 4th of July and as I get myself ready to go out and watch the local parade in my small town ( NOTHING says Happy 4th like the red-white and blue-goat) I am thinking about the meaning of this holiday.

It's NO secret how I feel about the current occupant of the White House.  I am especially appalled at his hijacking of a National Holiday for a thinly disguised campaign rally that ALL of us are paying for.  I understand his party still owes about 7 million for his poorly attended inauguration.

I am thinking about my childhood here in the San Fernando Valley. A child of  parents from "the Greatest Generation" I was raised with a fierce patriotism.  I still get a lump in my throat when the flag passes by, remembering the sacrifices in WWII.  I understand people who don't get the same feeling and applaud their right to speak out on the matter.  Freedom allows us to have differences of opinion and to discuss these differences to effect change ( however if you think taking children from their parents and putting them in cages is a good idea,well, I will have to rethink our association)

We barbecues and lit sparklers and we kids all played with one another.  I was blessed to live in a multicultural neighborhood and we all hung out together.

I grew up singing patriotic songs and learned some of the protest songs of the WPA.  I still think Woody Guthrie's "This Land is your Land" is one of the finest "patriotic" songs I have ever sung.

To me, being a "patriot" does not mean  "my Country right or wrong" but "my Country needs to be the best place for all people who love it"  Maybe I'm not saying this right, but my earliest  American Myers ancestor was with Washington at Valley Forge.  I don't think he slept in a tent in the snow so rich people like Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell could get righter and put children in cages and somehow justify that.  Isn't tyranny what they fought against?  Whatever happened to "Give me your tire, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free"?  Only if you look like the Ruling Class I suppose...

America Concert June 21

It was my birthday this weekend and my husband got tickets to see my favorite band- America- at the ACE hotel which is around the corner from my work.   We left my car at my office and Lyfted  ( is that a word?) over to the venue.

We were WAY too early.

We got tacos at this little stand and people watched for a bit.   There were no shops to go into, so we went into the bar at the venue, Best Girl, and went upstairs for dessert and coffee.

Did I mention I am allergic to nuts?

We carefully looked at the menu to see which desserts I could actually eat.  The lovely chocolate thing had.. NUTS. I ordered a machiato ( VERY bitter)  and a Laphroaig .  A quick story about why.  Years ago, I was visiting a friend and her then-boyfriend and her landlord were sitting on the deck with a bottle between them, discussing how good this whiskey was.  Although they invited me to join them at the table, they did not offer me any as they continued to drink it and discuss it.  I did not know either of them well enough to ask for any and I suppose they didn't think a woman would want any - I did. So I tried it , it's a nice addition to what I will 'call" if I am in a bar with no Bushmills. 

We decided on the berries and cream, as it was the only thing that did not say it had nuts.  When it came, even in the murky dark of the upstairs bar, I could see... something sprinkled over the top of the dish.  "what is that?" I asked Chris  He tasted  "peanuts I think" he said.  Now I know peanuts are not strictly nuts but they are in my allergy group, so we put the dish at the far edge of the table and waited for the waiter.  He was nice and attentive but super busy.  Finally he came.  He said he would ask. He came back and said no, there were no nuts in the dish.  We asked him to take a look.  Aha!  He went again and yes, someone had put pistachios in the dish.  He asked if I had eaten any.  No, I am very careful.  He offered to leave it so Chris could eat it . We sent it back, Chris can't kiss me if he has been eating nuts!

The replacement dessert came, without nuts,it was yummy but the whole thing was super expensive. Still it was my birthday..

We went into the venue and got in line for merch.  I bought TWO t-shirts, a sticker for my car and the cd for Andy Barr's new band "Formerly Alien" who opened the show.  Saw Andy ( who I have seen a number of times when I used to be able to see Matt's bands, something I need to remedy)  He sweetly pretended to remember me.  he's a nice kid.

We ran into a fellow fan, Bob, and chatted.  The venue itself is a gorgeous Spanish Revival theater. Our seats were great.  There were a few issues as to where "Wheels" my rolling walker could go.  I actually had to WALK down the sloping aisle to place him safely out of harms way and toddle back UP.  At MOST theaters. they offer to help you with it.  Honestly, it was if they had never encountered a disabled person.  When I went to use the "powder room" at intermission, I was confronted by a staircase.  hmmm I asked the usher how I could use a restroom.  He seem... confused by the request and finally sent me down a hallway to another employee who let me out a back door and into the same restaurant we had just been in.  Ok then

The show...   Formerly Alien opened and they have such lovely voices, I really enjoyed the harmonies.  They began with an  acapella  version of "There's a place for us" from West Side Story.  They are a band with a shtick, for lack of a better word.  the whole premise is that it is 2069 and the Earth has been destroyed.  We are all on a spaceship, looking for a planet that we can live on.  The band is the entertainment in the Ship's lounge.  You get all this bit by bit and I think it would be better if they could start the show with some kind of newsreel type video to bring you into the story, so you are in on what they are talking about. I kind of knew, but some people are clueless.

I enjoyed them.

Now for my rant.  When you go to the theater, if you are LATE, you are seated at an appropriate pause in the show.  People were staggering in with their drinks and their popcorn, talking as if nothing was going on on the stage, not only for the opening act, but for the headliner.  I was miffed.  Seriously YOU are so important that you need to disturb other peoples enjoyment?  The girls to the left of us sat down then rearranged their seating order.  No one seemed concerned that they were blocking anyone while they did all of this.

  I have been trying to "enjoy the moment"  Chris says I need to work on being in the Now.  So I did .  I tried to just watch the show.  Even thought there was an announcement not to, almost everyone around me had their phones out, recording.  WHY would you want to watch the show via your tiny screen rather than the real thing??

The show was great but I honestly don't think their soundguy does a great job.  The sound on "Drivin'" was muddy as a puddle.  The vocals disappeared.  I LIKE that song.  I kinda wanted to HEAR it.

It is always  a treat to watch Rich Campbell, their bass-player extraordinaire.  At one point, I turned to Chris and said "Rich is so freaking cool"  Their new guitar player was awesome.  Steve Fekete was fun to watch and a terrific addition to the show. 

The show ended too soon and I paid the price for my enthusiasm that night and the next day. Pain level?  Intense.

I am getting my new knee on July 9.  It's gonna be awesome and I will be able to rock and roll on ONE good knee soon!

I should be writing

I used to define myself as a writer, but to be a writer, you actually have to stop what you are doing and put words on the page.

Alas, I have been distracted, tired or just too uninspired to write anything.

The current political climate scares the bejesus out of me and I don't want to be sucked down into the morass of daily complaining and whining.  I want action about this country, but I am not sure what.  We need change.  These are scary times and I fear for the whole planet, not just my little patch of the Foothills

I have been enjoined NOT to write too much about my grandson- and the one who will join the family this fall.


I am trying NOT to obsess about the upcoming surgery, but people keep telling me horror stories.  To save time here in future convos:

1. yes, I know it will hurt
2. yes, i Know PT  is important
3. yes, I know PT will hurt
4. No, I don't want to hear about the terrible thing that happened to your aunt's cousin' sister's hairstylist

Pleas just tell me I will be ok.  Offer to visit me bring me snacks.  This is daunting enough without any "advice".

I just turned 61 on Sunday.  SIXTY-ONE   How the heck did THAT happen??  Time marches on, as the saying goes.

So today, I will sing in the car on my way to work, try not to let the stresses of the day knock me flat, try more to live in the moment ( more on that if I ever get the review of the concert we went to on Friday, I have a rant and a rave in my head)

Peace.

Am I too sensitive?

I think so, yes I am.  Often I overreact and I KNOW I am doing it.  I am working on , shrugging and saying "whatever"


Tonight We invited a couple to join us for dinner tomorrow evening.  As I had just done a boatload of grocery shopping, I thought dinner here would be nicer, more relaxing. The last few forays at places have been not as relaxing as I had wished and I have an anxiety filled week ahead ( more on THAT in a later post- maybe).  I offered to make my ( world-famous)  Spaghetti and meatballs.  Apparently the wife is on a no carb diet.  I asked what she COULD eat ( if you have eaten here you know that is my M.O.- I ask what you can eat and what you WON'T eat if I invite you to my home.)

She said no.  I couldn't make the food she could eat and she would bring her own.

We are going OUT to dinner instead, but I am wounded!  I consider myself to be a pretty fair cook and I think I could have rustled up a meal that met her dietary needs (the Mediterranean place we are going is NOT that complicated.)

Sigh

So.  Weigh in. Is this an insult or am I being overly sensitive here?  I can't even think about making a meal for half the guests and have someone bring something she picked up at the local "takeout" because I could not understand her dietary needs.

an LA Story

I went last night to hear my friend, Renaissance Man, Sheldon Wright perform his piece at an  "Unheard LA" event at the Little Tokyo Library.  There were three speakers. I came in late and missed the first, but there is a website and I will be looking at and listening to the stories over the next few days.

Sheldon talked about his LA Marathon experience.  It was a wonderful piece.  He asked me if I planned on applying for this,  well probably not, but it DID challenge me to write a piece that might be a phantom part of it, sort of an exercise.

It's supposed to be five to six minutes.  Someone said about 150 words is a minute, but I looked it up and they said 750 words is a five minute speech.  Fine.  Three pages. 

I can do this.

HA!

Here is my LA story ( it's a nicer one than I thought about and spoke with Sheldon about last night)

I used to take the subway to work.  I got on at North Hollywood and rode the nineteen minutes to 7th Metro.  Riding the subway made me feel like a real commuter, like all those movies and stories about living in New York that my mom used to tell me.  Actually, I felt connected to my Mom when I rode the subway, as she used to do.

One morning I got on the train and headed back toward my preferred seat at the rear of the train.  North Hollywood was the last stop and the train was usually empty when I got on.  There was a woman fast asleep in the seat.  Now, sometimes street people get on the subway and sleep.  It's probably safer to them than sleeping on the street or maybe they are just tired.  In any case, this woman was dressed professionally, so I touched her arm lightly and said "Ma'am, you're in North Hollywood"  She started   "what?" she said, looking confused  "You are at the end of the line" I said  "did you need to get off here?  The train is getting ready to leave"  "Oh NO!" she said  I needed to go to Wilshire and Western"  Well she was about 20 minutes away and on the wrong train.  To get where she needed to be, she would have to switch trains at another station.  She was lost.   She started to cry a bit, telling me this was her first day taking the train, she had just started this job and had decided the train was her best option.  Now, she was going to be late.  "Don't let me fall back to sleep" she said to me  "Don't worry, I won't"  I replied.   We talked about nothing, just jobs and taking the train and how worried she was about her boss being angry she was late.  I told her how to get to the train and what to look for on the header signs, so she didn't wind up going the wrong way.  We were soon at her stop and I sent her off with a wave and a small prayer that her boss would understand what had happened to her and be forgiving.

That day at work, I thought about her and wondered how she was doing, but figured that I would never really know.  The chances of meeting her were pretty much slim and none, as she had been on the wrong train to begin with. 

At the end of the day, I felt a real sense of urgency to leave the office on time for a change.  It was really... weird. I kept feeling like  I HAD to leave. NOW.  So I packed up my stuff and hurried to the train station.   Usually, I meander, clear off with the Security guys about whatever is going on and stroll to the station.  On this day, I actually hurried.  Normally I would go to the bottom of the stairs and turn right, going all the way to the end of the platform.  Getting a seat was always easier in the rear car at that time of day. This time, I turned LEFT and went toward the front cars.   I looked next to me and SHE was standing there; the lost woman from the morning.   I laughed and said "Don't tell me you're lost again"  She JUMPED and stared at me. "YES" she said  " I AM"  and I was standing here praying "Oh please Lord, send me that woman from this morning and here you are!" 


I was able to ask her how her day went . Her boss was understanding and she said she would be able to get to the right train going.  I told her how to get to the train going home.  She was standing on the wrong platform when I found her.  I got her to her train and headed home myself.

I no longer take the subway.  I moved to another part of the City and the subway no longer works for me.  I miss it sometimes and sometimes I think of the lost woman and hope she is doing fine. 

I think that's the ONLY time I have been the direct answer to someone's prayer.

Word count on this piece is 708.  Close enough!

May the Fourth be with you

Ok I know it is something of a hackneyed cliche, but hey!

I remember seeing the original Star Wars back in May of 1977, I was engaged to be married and we went to see the movie a total of- I think- seven times that Summer ( in between, we got married)

We saw it at the drive in.  Back then, you hooked the movie up to your own sound system and relaxed in your car with the snacks you brought.  It was better than the theater. 

We probably smoked a few while we were waiting for the film.  Don't judge!  It was the 70's  it was a thing.

The things I remember about it are how blown away we all were at the graphics and the "magic" that Industrial Light and Magic brought to our eyes.  We rooted for Luke, thrilled when Han showed his true colors and loved Leia for her spunk.

I hated when Disney took over the franchise.  I REALLY hated when they sanitized the bar scene and made it so that Han did not just shoot first.  It made his "redemption" as it were, at the end of the first film so much better.  We all know Han was an asshole.  He should have remained that way in the later releases.

The later films were just ok.  There is a saying in film that "a sequel Never equals"  and even though these films were created to be a series, I was not wowed by the others as I was by this one ( I'm looking at YOU JarJarBinks)

I wish I had a copy of the undoctored film somewhere. That would be a treat to watch today

April 29

My favorite day
is Friday night


I take of my shoes
and shed the workweek
outside my front door

I don't need to put that coat
of responsibility
until Monday morning

Saturday
I try to be lazy
but all the things
waiting inside my house pounce on me
in the morning hours
Laundry, sadly
will not do itself


Saturday evening
relax and read. 
recharge with a
meal and a laugh

sleep in on Sunday
ignore the bells
of the local church
which do not ring for me

My least favorite day
is Sunday night.

Someone always says something
about having to work in the morning
(sometimes it's  me
either way it's a total buzzkill)

Monday morning comes too early
and I am late again
no matter HOW early I get out of bed.

anatomy of a panic attack - April 24

Heart begins to flutter
then
POUND

Can't
breathe

( remember slow shallow breaths)


pulse races in your ears
can't think clearly

( imagine you are floating in a pool
sunshine gently
warming your face)

Heart hurts
Chest feels like a
giant hand
pressing down

( listen to the seagulls
skimming over the waves
calling to one another in
their rough voices)

Gasping for air
eyes closed
face in hands

(go to your "happy place")

Slowly, returning to what might be
considered normal
but the
taste of panic
remains on your tongue.

April 22

Ok, so I haven't written every day.  I did try!




You loved
the idea of her
the perfect creature
you crafted in your mind


Instead of
learning
about her dreams
or the depths
of who she was
you wasted your nights
creating your silver screen persona
your magazine poses
to show the world

Alone now
in the shadows of your room
you cannot fathom
how your glittering prize
managed to escape you
never realizing
that it's a bit
like holding sand
the tighter you grip
the more slips away
until you are left
with a small handful of grains
of beach glass
and regret

April 18 and 19

Ok.  I'm a day behind, but yesterday I was SO SICK, I could barely make it.  Thankfully I had some anti nausea meds and LOTS of ginger-ale,  Chris fed me a sandwich and I fell asleep.  I would STILL be asleep if I hadn't had twenty million things to do..


It's hard
when you are driving
not to look at the clouds
and appreciate the patterns


Spring days with bright
fluffy clouds
that are like angels dancing
or cars flying
or dogs chasing
something


In winter
I look at clouds
searching for thunderheads
and possible signs
of how much rain
we will get
when the clouds
release their load

But in Spring
the clouds
are welcome fairies
on the blue background
of the blue sky

April 17

I've been dreaming
of peacocks
tails trailing
majestically behind them
as they stroll
in a lazy
morning garden
I rarely see them
in my dream
with their feathers displayed
in that huge fan
that frames them
in photos
or paintings of peacocks
I see them
both in my dreams
and in real time
iridescent
blues and greens
with a smattering of purples
going about their business
in the early morning air.

April 16

Fire


Watching
a beloved building
be consumed by flame
everyone standing around it
the anxiety
of helplessness
churning in your stomach
Waiting
at first
for its rescue
by the miracle of
water
and firefighters
at last
wondering
what will remain

April 15

Sleep
they say
is overrated

I don't want to lie there
flipping stations
or trying to read a book
and reading the same sentence
over and
over and
over
until I realize it isn't making any sense
in my addled brain

I want sleep
without nightmares.
I long for dreams that
don't have the daily world
intruding on them
(last night's dream featured an argument-
which I won-
with Mike Pence)

I want really sweet dreams
or no dreams
and really sweet sleep

April 14

Sometimes
your brain goes numb
you search for
simile and
metaphor
and come up
empty

On those days
you need to
go out into the sunshine
watch the clouds
make shapes
coming apart
the way cotton candy did
when you were a child
You need to feel
the sunshine
warm the springtime
back into the earth

You need to forget about anything
but being
and the words
just may find a way
to assemble on the page
just like you knew they would

April 13

(Because suicide doesn't get rid of the pain, it just transfers it to someone else)



You put down the phone
after hearing those words
numb
is too poor a word to describe
the emptiness
followed by the explosion
of so many conflicting emotions
in your brain
and in your chest.

Breathe,
just try to breathe

Tears
may or may not make an appearance now
but will ambush you
sometime
at a later date
when you remember
a word
laughing and falling into each other with
knees too weak to stand
long nights
heads bent together in conversation
or mutual understanding
of the silence between you
now held only
in one memory

April 12

Breathing Lessons


Sometime ago
it seems
I had forgotten
how to breathe
I seem
always
to be gasping for air
choking on it
when I draw it in

I need to learn
how to breathe again
slowly
sip on it
gather it
not forcefully
but gently
drawing it to me
holding it
and letting it
go

April 11

When she left his house
for what she knew
would be the last time
she shook off the sweat of her fear
and blew away
the dandelion seeds
of the dream she was abandoning
hoping to create
a new world for herself
in which
peace of heart
and calm of spirit
were no longer
obscure concepts
but her daily
reality

April 10

The struggle is real






Tujunga

I am lucky
I think
to live in a place
where
wildlife still roams
where I can be
startled by a peacock
boldly strolling
down the boulevard
his magnificent tail
trailing resplendently
behind him
unconcerned with honking cars
and pedestrians

My heart thrills
at the rare site of a doe and her babies
in the Open Space
nestled beside the onramp
leading to downtown
where another world of bustle
awaits me

April 9

Morning
and I want to look out my window
and see what the day is like,
but my window
looks out on a building next door
where my car-obsessed neighbors
rev their motors
honk and curse each other.


One day
I might
look out on a soft garden
with birds
and butterflies
and ease into a day
of calm

but for now
the frantic pace of my neighbors
sets the tone.

April 8

Reading again
the brilliant delicate poetry
of Mary Oliver
I mourn all over
that I only discovered her
after she had gone
I mourn too
that reading her
I feel like I
should put away the sledge hammer of my
own  poor needlework
and go out in the sunshine
and dance

April 7

Harder than I thought.




Sometimes
the words of a perfect poem
come into my brain
at inopportune moments

In the shower
washing the dishes
Scrubbing the floor
drifting off to sleep

Foolishly
I repeat the perfect couplet to myself
"Ah  I will remember it"
but when it comes to placing them
in the correct order on the keyboard
they become
alphabet soup

April 6

hmmmmm


I want to write
about  flowers
or birds
or cute little forest-y animals

But all I have
is morning blues,
coffee
and trying to muster the energy I need
to get ANYTHING done.


Closing my eyes
any sort of clever verbal imagery
eludes me
I see only
the darkness behind my eyelids
and the random
faces that appear there sometimes.
I try the breathing trick
Put on my mask
and head out for the day.

April 5

Haiku


a heron flies on
currents above the river
lonely in the air



Ok, I know it's kind of a cop out and the traditional forms are NOT being observed  but it was a thought I had last night, driving home, watching this solo bird drift above the LA river in the rain.

April 4

Trying to think
of beautiful images

coming up empty

Art
is in the everyday but
I am having trouble seeing
that everything that is created
is some kind of art

I am overloaded
with numbers
and letters
and thing that should just go away.

By focusing on a small thing
and breathing through the day
I will find
my peaceful me
again.

April 3

Nostalgia
has been putting
her shiny pink glasses on my eyes again

I look back
to the day when I would wake
in my sunny Summer bedroom
after a night of untroubled sleep
the day would stretch her lazy arm out at me
beckoning ADVENTURE

Swimming in the local pool
riding our bikes
and stretching out on somebody's parents' lawn
we would lie on our backs
our bikes splayed out around us
we would guess the shapes in the clouds
and talk about a future
shaped by television shows
and the novels we were allowed to read

I think of that girl
and wonder
would she like the woman
that she has become.

Day two

I think my ability is dormant.




I keep thinking
about that line from The Waste Land
about how
April is the cruelest month

So far I have to agree

Where is the soft joy
that Spring used to bring
the reawakening of Nature
the promise of Summer

Busyness
Overtakes everything
I long to be able
to slow down
to sit on the beach
and just listen to the waves
to get out of the City for a while
to find my laughter again.

April 1- National Poetry month

I am going to do my BEST to write a poem a day this month.  Maybe I can get back into my groove.  Writing has always been my go-to.  I am just going to put my fingers on the keyboard and  GO



Morning comes too early
My brain tells my body

GET UP

But my body
Unwilling to leave
the soft warm comfort of my bedcovers
resists.

I think  about what needs to be done
and how little time I have to do it all
before I have to climb in my car
and join thousands of other cars
(Well maybe not thousands but it feels like it)
snaking down the long path
to downtown LA

and panic a little.

Breathe
I tell myself
It's just another morning
I leave a sleeping man
go downstairs
 make coffee
and try to write something
that makes me feel
more courageous
or content
or to get my brain back on track

It's not working this morning.

Banned Books

April is National Library Month, so the first week or so, we talk about banned books. 

Some people are so afraid of the written word and so offended by certain concepts that they feel the need to prevent other people from reading the books and making their own conclusions.

The latest on the chopping block is Laura Ingalls Wilder.  Yeah, LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE.  It seems people are aghast the Ma Ingalls had nasty things to say about the Native American population and Laura is getting backlash for reporting it in her books. They just took her name off some National Book Prize as a repercussion. I wonder if we will rename all the Mark Twain Libraries?  After all, he consistently uses "the N Word" in his books   What is the difference between what Laura reports Ma saying and his language? It was the prevailing attitude at the time,  Laura didn't make it up. it was THERE.  Isn't this an opportunity to discuss the racial mores of the period rather than sweeping it under the rug?  Can't we talk to children and explain that while people actually thought and acted the way they act in the  book, it is wrong and we should LEARN something from it?

Nope, just ban the whole thing and pretend it didn't happen or that the concept of a change in how we treat other humans is so radical we won't even consider addressing it.

For me, I loved the Little House books as a kid, but I understood Ma was afraid and had good reason to be- she and her family were basically taking land that did not belong to them and claiming it as their own.  I always thought Pa was a bit selfish,always moving the family JUST when they got everything set up.  I also thought he was anti-social  DESPITE the fiddle playing.  Caroline really was a product of her time.  I always felt a little sorry for her, being married to Charles. He's come home after a long day or who-knows-what and announce that he had seen a neighbor's smoke so they were moving.  I often wondered if she had any say in the matter.

I'm going to pick a banned book or two from the helpful list that the American Library Association provides; one I have not read before at least.  Everyone touts Huck Finn, but I am meh about it.  I had a had time getting the dialect down and had to resort to listening to it when I had to read it for a book club.  I want something current. 

What banned book are you going to read?

Understanding my illness at last

I went to the doctor the other day.

I was seeing a specialist , after winding up in emergency with a problem with my esophagus last month.  It was scary.  I couldn't swallow and I kept throwing up.  The emergency room doctor gave me a few shots and some nitro and I was better, but I needed to see someone.

I have had this for at least ten years, maybe longer, where I feel this spasm and WHAM everything shuts.  Sometimes, I can catch it and relax enough so it goes away, but it's getting worse.I was told that:

You need to lose weight
You need to change your diet
You need to exercise more
You need to take this medication

I was made to feel guilty about my illness, as if some basic flaw in my character had caused me to get this.  I never felt better, even when I did everything they told me to do. It was always there.

This doctor calmly explained that the CAUSE of this was.... STRESS.  Simply explaining that when our bodies are under stress, they produce more acid to deal with bad food or food consumed quickly.  Our bodies were made like that.  In the past, stress like that has been short-lived.  These days, stress is a constant companion.  We talked about managing stress and although he gave me another medication, he gave me hope.  I don't feel so helpless.

Next Friday, I am going in for an esophagram.   The test will take several hours, but it will show if there is any damage or need for anything other than what my current treatment is.  I don't know just what I will do to manage my stress- I can't quit my job but maybe I can recognize the stress triggers at my job and try to manage them bit by bit,  Chris says I need to develop a hobby that will give me a creative outlet.   Writing has always soothed me, so I am going to try to do more of that.  I HOPE to write a poem a day for April which is National Poetry Month. I haven't used those chops in a while.

This will be a day-by-day or minute-by-minute quest to heal.

THAT song

My FB friend, Marissa, posted recently about how the song "Ventura Highway" gave her the "push" to get out of a bad employment situation.  She specifically says the lines about "the free wind blowing thru my hair" made her realize that she needed to get out and change her life.

I think everyone has a song or a poem like that in their lives.  Mine is Solsbury Hill, by Peter Gabriel. I think I read somewhere that he wrote this about leaving the wildly successful band Genesis to become a solo artist.  It was a hard choice for him, but he recognized his unhappiness and made the break.

I was going through an impossible situation at work.  I was working for Parking Enforcement.  My supervisors were insensitive at best and misogynistic at worst.  Some of the office staff complained that I was not answering the phones and making coffee.  I was NOT assigned to answer the phones or to make the coffee ( although I DO make a damn fine pot of coffee)  I was an analyst.  My office mate was a man and the perception that was allowed to continue was that I was his secretary.  Now, please understand that I had been clerical and that job is just as important in getting things done but it was NOT the job I was hired for nor what the City was paying me for.  They would come into the office looking for "the analyst" I would reply I was the analyst, but they preferred to "wait for Jeff"  I had been doing the job longer than Jeff at this point.  He did nothing to help me, either.  He would take the car and disappear for the better part of the day, leaving me to deal with officers and staff and ... everything.  The supervisors played tricks on me.  It was NOT pleasant.  Finally, my roving supervisor came to "Discipline" me about not answering the phones.  I exploded, telling him JEFF didn't answer the phones.  He said Jeff didn't have to.  "WHY?" I shouted "BECAUSE HE'S MALE????"  He shrugged.  I told him "look, you don't want me here and I don't want to be here.  Write me a good evaluation And I will get out of here." Seriously I had designed a tracking system for complaints that was pre-computer days AND  I had developed a good working relationship with representatives from the Mayor's Office and local Council reps. I was DOING my job, I just wasn't deferential enough. "Otherwise" I continued " I will have the Union crawling all over this place."   He agreed with me.  I got a nice review and was out of there in a few months.  I went "home" to the Library, where I have been ever since.  

Hearing this song on the radio gave me the strength to look elsewhere and find my place. There have been days in those 32 years that I have not liked my job, but there has NEVER EVER been a day when I wished myself back in the Hell that was the Valley DOT office.  I worked with some nice folks there, but no, no and NO!

What song or poem or words of wisdom have done this for you?   

Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing, stretching every nerve
Had to listen, had no choice
I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom, boom, boom
"Son", he said, "grab your things, I've come to take you home"

To keep in silence I resigned
My friends would think I was a nut
Turning water into wine
Open doors would soon be shut
So I went from day to day
Though my life was in a rut
'Til I thought of what I'll say
Which connection I should cut
I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom, boom, boom
"Hey", he said, "grab your things, I've come to take you home"
(Hey, back home)

When illusion spin her net
I'm never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me
Today I don't need a replacement
I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom, boom, boom
"Hey", I said, "you can keep my things, they've come to take me home"

Songwriters: Peter Gabriel

Poem: At David's Funeral

"I know you" he said

taking my hand as we milled about

a group of mourners

After the blessings and grief had been shared

I peered back at him

saying that I thought  I knew him too

I didn't reply with my usual, flippant

"I come from a large Irish Family"

or

"Oh I have one of those faces."

I simply held this stranger's hand

a small comfort in shared grief

We smiled sadly and agreed that we could not place the place

but it was nice to see each other again

as he walked away

I supposed that

we knew each other

from a past

neither of us could quite remember

AN Open letter to Covington Catholic School

AN Open letter to Covington Catholic School

Good morning

I see your school is in the national news, but not in a good way.   It seems a group of boys ( note I am NOT calling them  "young men") were bussed up to Washington D.C. to attend an  Anti abortion rally ( it's not pro-life.  If it were, you would be addressing what to do AFTER the child is born) They encountered four African American men and  felt so threatened they decided to cause a ruckus ( I don't know if your math teachers teach this, but I was always taught  thirty is greater than four)

A  group of elders who were there as part of the indigenous people's march tried to defuse the situation.  Your students surrounded him.  Please do not try to say they just wanted to hear him or any other such nonsense.   Do not spin it for anything except for what it is   A bunch of White kids ( and I am so white as to be translucent) thinking they were able to do what they wanted because of the color of their skin and the slogan on their hats.

Let's look at this :

 "They were chanting football slogans"   Unless they were chanting "We've got the spirit, yes we do, we've got the sprit, how ' bout  YOU?" these were not meant to foster peace.  Correct me if I am wrong, but  football chants are meant to exhort  your  team to hit harder and to win.

They were there for another rally and stumbled into this one.  Ok, there were a lot of rallies, but WHERE were the people who were supposed to be with these boys.   And where were they when this went south?

I call BS.

Teachers and Administrators, you have failed these boys; although based on the Facebook post from the mother of the Smugness Poster Boy, I think you have a long haul to teach racial harmony and compassion.  You need to let them know that while the First Amendment protects free speech, it does NOT protect you from the consequences of  your actions.   Nonviolent protest is good, but when you come spoiling for a fight and encounter tribal elders you are out of your league.

The tribal elders showed more bravery then these boys may ever have.  These kids ran home to Mommy and Daddy and 'lawyered  up" as quickly as possible ( BTW   Mrs. Sanderson, you need a P.R. Firm who uses spell-check or something)

I have little hope that  any good will come of this.  Their actions SHOULD be part of their High School record and follow them into whatever they do .  Actions do have consequences.  Perhaps the Catholic concept of penance should be applied. Rather than expulsion, they should be made to serve many hours in communities that are less privileged then  they.  If there is hope for them, it is NOW.  It's hard to hate  when you know people.