End of the Year ( part 2)

What is so "magical" about midnight on December 31?  We see in the New Year with noise and champagne, but why is it any different than the change from one day to the next?   We make resolutions, drunkenly tell our friends we love them and stay up till the wee hours of the morning.   Why do we sit up and review the year as if we were all some type of accountant who must balance and make sense of things before the stroke of midnight?

I remember the excitement, as a child, of being allowed to stay up and celebrate the New Year with a glass of ginger-ale, or when I was a bit older a seven-up with a capful of wine in it.  I remember as a young married, having our friends over to celebrate and crash in the house.  I remember whispering "Happy New Year" in my infant daughter's ear at midnight.  This year, Chris and I decided to stay home.  Alone. That's right.  No big celebration here or going anywhere.  We did have a sweet invitation from friends we will see after the New Year, but the appeal of staying home, just the two of us, is way too great.  It's been a frantic few months and I need to relax in my pjs and NOT have to worry about entertaining anyone.  Don't get me wrong; I LOVE a houseful of people, just not this year.  Maybe next year I will feel differently.

For now, I will reflect on my blessings and plan for my future.  I don't reserve this type of thinking for December 31, but I will try to live more in the "now"; to enjoy the company of my friends, to relish good food and good conversation, to savor a kiss.  As Carly Simon says in Anticipation "I'll stay right here, 'cause these are the Good Old Days"

Happy New Year!

End of the year thoughts ( part 1, I think)

I am sitting in my kitchen, thinking about having another cup of coffee before scooting off to work.   I may be drinking too much coffee, but these days I am not sleeping well and   coffee is probably part of a vicious cycle.  I have too much caffeine in my system to sleep, and I am too tired so I drink more coffee...  UGH  Nothing a week in the Bahamas wouldn't cure, or winning the Lottery.

Like most people, when the lotto gets as high as it is right now, I am fantasizing about winning and what I would do with it.  Three hundred million is a figure I can't really wrap my head around, but I would sure like to try. I would pay off my debts and buy a modest house somewhere.  Help my family. The bulk would probably go to starting some sort of charitable organization.  Seriously.  How many houses can you live in?  How many cars can you drive?  How many people need help?  With that much money, I think we could do some good in the world.

It's the end of the year and I am thinking about what went on; counting my blessings.  The best of the lot was the no cancer diagnosis I received around Christmas.  It was a long drawn-out process to get there, but I did  get there.  It's been an interesting year and I am going to think more about it and probably write more tomorrow.  I clicked two places off my "bucket list" although I want to go back and see more of Yosemite and the Grand Canyon.  We took a train ride and are planning another one somewhere else next year.  I love the romance of a train ride and although Amtrak is NEVER on time, I think it will be fun to take it on a semi-long journey up north.  My grandson gets cuter every day.  He said something that sounded like he was trying to say "grandma" yesterday.  I am waiting to see what her calls me and I will NOT correct him. The name will be his creation.  Kate used to say "Nama"  but her grandmother got so upset about it and kept correcting her.  I thought Nama was cute.

Work awaits.  If I win the lottery I am out of there.   I am getting tired and much less patient with my folks.  I can see it in myself and I know it is coming on the time to think about retirement.  It's scary really and I think I need to talk to someone with some good sense and I need to talk to the retirement people about the actual numbers which are a bit convoluted due to my divorce settlement.  It's probably not as bad as I think.  I am waiting to see what the new contract with my union will be; we should have some kind of inkling in the Spring as to what is being negotiated at least.  Then I can decide what I want to do.  My stated goal is to make it to 40 years, which I will hit on July 19.  I MIGHT try for 30 with LAPL, which will be on October 26.  This year ( and tonight's lotto) will tell!

Trump for ?????

Besides the normal definitions of bridge terminology, the word "trump" means to announce in a bold way, or to get the better of.  I have been watching Donald Trump with a mixture of  revulsion and fascination.  Here are a few things I have been pondering:

Is Donald Trump the new Kim Kardashian? The media seems to follow him around to see what pearls of wisdom drop from his lips everyday.  The more they do, the more he reveals himself as a bully and a braggart with little or no diplomatic skills.  What could he possibly hope to gain by talking about Hillary going to the bathroom.  Excuse me, Donald, but there is a children's book I would like you to read.  It's called "Everyone poops"  I am sure you will be fascinated as that particular biological function is something every creature on this planet does .  Did you follow Ms Clinton  into the restroom? How do you KNOW what she did in there.  Newsflash, sometimes we fix our makeup or make a phone call,  What is your fascination with female body functions?You also made some misogynistic statements to Megyn Kelly about her being somehow impaired, implying that she was bleeding from "somewhere else"  You fail to realize that women are in the majority and we do vote.  I hope Republican women remember that at the polls.

Can I get all conspiracy theory that Steve Harvey's "gaffe" at the Miss Universe Pageant was a deliberate media ploy?  Just how many people actually watched it anyway?  But EVERYONE was talking about it in the morning, weren't they?  I don't feel that sorry for Miss Columbia.  She's made her fortune off this incident.  She will be offered gigs all over the place if she maintains her dignity on this.  I feel sorry for the newly crowned Miss Universe.  Quick  Tell me her name. I see that Trump sold his interest in it earlier this year, but quickly jumped into the social media fray about it.  Anything to make it all about him.

I am watching the race for the President on both sides of the political coin.  I am hoping for a race based on issues and not on personality.  Even Lindsey Graham said that he hoped people would realize that this was NOT a reality show, that it was real life.   I hope the Republican Party realizes that soon and puts a real possible leader with a clear vision of the party's goals up for election.  Or maybe I don't.  Maybe I want the Republican Party to collapse on itself and the Democrats to sweep the country like Nixon in the 72 election.

I've been listening to a compilation of the work of Dr Hunter S. Thompson and wishing he were still here to take another swing at Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail.  He's have had a Field Day with Trump

GOOD news

I went to my doctor yesterday and he confirmed what I thought.  My uterus is not trying to kill me.  Still unsure just what happened but the results of all the tests confirm that there is no cancer.  My doctor and I have agreed to see if anything else happens and then we can look at what might be going on- IF anything is going on. I'm just thankful all that is over for now.  I am exhausted.  I did not realize what a Sword of Damocles had been hanging over my head  for the last four months and how it was affecting me.  I have used up my reserve well of energy.   I need to recharge my batteries something fierce, but Christmas is.. FRIDAY!   I think I am almost ready for it.   We have the tree and it is decorated.  I bought the special sausage for lasagna and sausage and peppers with polenta.  I will go and get my final food run on Christmas Eve day and hope I have it right.

Christmas is a low-key affair this year.  I gave up sending Christmas cards a few years ago and I miss getting them, but you have to send them to get them.  I just don't have the time or the energy.  When I was married to Kate's father, I was signing them and writing little notes to everyone, personalizing them.  I was tired and I handed a few off to him to sign.  I got them back and saw that he had just signed his full name.  No note.  Not even a "Merry Christmas"  Just his name.   Maybe when I retire I will take up card writing again.

  I went out this weekend to see the kids.  We drove up to Big Bear to take Bobby to see Santa and the snow.  He was not afraid of Santa at all and was his usual charming self to the point where Mrs. Santa took out HER camera to take his picture.  That boy has my dad's charm as well as his name. The kids bought a HUGE tree and I made my son-in-law drive the car down the mountain with it.  I was NOT doing that.  Once we got in the flats of Old Woman Springs road, I took over.  We used to drive that way all the time with my folks when we would "visit" 29 Palms back in the 60's  There was a vacation dream for kids.  The desert.  In the 60's . in the summer.  Thankfully the hotel had a pool.  Boredom reached new heights with those trips, but my Dad loved the desert.  I can appreciate it now but back then?  Not so much.

Bobby loved opening the presents I brought.  Yes we opened gifts this weekend.  When you have multiple families, Christmas is when you are together.  Christmas should not be celebrated just one day a year.  we need to carry the spirit of it within us, if we celebrate it.  We are kinder to each other over the holidays and in January are back to being ourselves and sometimes that's not a good thing.

No News to report

It's been over a week since I had the biopsy and the other tests and I haven't heard a peep from Kaiser.  I am operating under the "no news is good news" theory and figure my doctor will tell me what he did find when I see him next Monday.  For now, I am assuming there is NO cancer.  I hope he can tell me what IS there and we can move forward.

I have the most wonderful friends who called or emailed me to see how I was doing.  I feel like such a wimp, but this took more out of me than I thought it would.   I STILL have a gnarly bruise on the inside of my right arm from the IV.  I'm still kind of fuzzy, but maybe that's constant right now.  Not enough sleep and little appetite.    It's gonna get better and I really appreciate the love of my friends.

 I need to get ready for Christmas.  I still have not decorated. I don't have many of my gifts bought. We tried to get a tree last night but I am NOT paying 70 bucks for one.  I hope we can get one this evening or tomorrow.   The usual place we go is not there and I do NOT patronize one of the local places because of a difficult encounter with the owner years ago.  She lost my business and I will not go back.  Ever.  

So I hope for a tree and family around the table on the 25th.  I have no idea yet who will be here but I will have food enough for an army, so if you are hungry on December 25th, come on by!  I'm making lasagna and sausage and peppers with polenta, among other things.  I'm NOT Italian, but that seems to be the food of choice around here.  It is fairly simple to prepare and I love having a houseful of people for the holidays. I am just not ready for Christmas yet. It always seems to sneak up on me, although it is the same day every year!

The meaning of Christmas

As the Joni Mitchell song goes "It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees, they're putting up reindeer, singing songs of joy and peace"   but I am having trouble getting my Merry Christmas on.  Given the medical thing I had earlier in the week and the McGroarty fundraiser, I have not had time to do any shopping nor have I decorated my house.   I am planning on doing something this weekend, but I can't find my Christmas music and I really need Nat King Cole.  Last year I found an album by Corrinne May and I need that too.  It's buried in the spare room somewhere and as I am NOT supposed to lift anything over 15 lbs for a few more days, finding it is going to be a challenge.  The room is so full of.... stuff.. I can't ask anyone to help me.  I am pretty sure I know what box it is in, so maybe tomorrow I will feel better and can get in there and find it, otherwise it's Pandora!  

It is NOT Christmas until Nat King Cole sings the Christmas song (aka Chestnuts roasting on an open fire)  I hope to get the energy to do all my shopping and baking this weekend.  A lot of Shopping will be online, I think.  Lazy, but I don't really want to be fighting crowds these days.  What happened to my holiday spirit?  I uses to love shopping!  Now it fills me with a sense of, oh, not dread really more like distaste.  I don't wanna!

When did Christmas change for me?  When did I stop feeling the glow of the season and look at it as another rushing around day?  I am NOT Martha-Freaking-Stewart.  When did the holidays devolve into this?  Why can't I remember that Christmas and the Winter holidays are about remembering love and saying thank you to all those who have been in your life this year.  It should be a time to honor friendships, to celebrate merriment and to reflect on the year's blessings.  Somewhere along the line it became this Thing That Ate Itself, a juggernaut of insanity, a merry-go-round we can't get off.  I am going to TRY to slow my pace, to remember that just being together is the real reason for the season.

and cookies.  There have to be cookies.

Donald Trump and the Republican Clown car

It goes without saying ( but I'll say it anyway)  I'm a liberal.  Card Carrying proud as heck union member liberal!  I don't hate the Republican Party and I don't wish ill on any of them- well except maybe Donald Trump but I think if he keeps going the way he is, he will get his.  That man is a train-wreck and I think the media follows him around to see what sort of outrageous thing will fall from his lips today.  I can't BELIEVE that people actually support the nonsense he spouts.  His bigotry knows no bounds.  Hello, Donald?  This is NOT the 1950's.  Women and people of color are actually PART of the mainstream and we HAVE a say in business and politics. You are sadly mistaken if you think otherwise.  I wonder if the "supporters" at his rallies are not paid to be there.  True, there is a section of the American public that is crazy like that but I can't really believe that man will be the nominee for President.  Who would want that blowhard representing this country on the world stage?  I am waiting for a leader with vision to emerge from the Republican pack.  I may be waiting a long time.

I am also sick of people foaming at the mouth about Barrack Obama.  He was and IS a great president.  Get over it.  History will bear me out.

Doesn't matter really.  I am going back and forth between Bernie and Hillary anyway and will vote for one of them, should they become the candidate the Democrats put forth.  But the playing field from the Republican team really scares me.  Have they no one with a sensible vision regarding leadership of this country?  They all seem marginalized to talking point that they feel will get them elected.  There is no great plan from any of them.  I am beginning to wonder if we shouldn't use the English method of electing a party with a platform, rather than a person.  Elections seem to be popularity contests, rather than a sorting out of a clear direction for the future of our nation.  I fear what we will become if extremists like the Donald take office.

Obvious thoughts

The shooting in  San Bernardino is all over the news and it has got  em thinking about a lot of things

Why?   That is always the question.  WHY do people do this kind of thing?   It turns out it was a husband and wife  and HE worked there.  So... workplace violence?  But they went heavily armed ad ready for battle.  Did they expect to survive this?   Just how stupid are you to think you can perpetrate this kind of atrocity and  just walk away as if nothing happened?  They leave behind a child.  What were they hoping to achieve in a mass killing such as this?  For the life of me, I cannot understand.

The media stir up more trouble than informs these days.  For HOURS on end, talking heads spitting out theories and airing any scrap of information or conjecture just to keep their ratings up.  After a while I stopped listening to the "newscasters" advance their own agenda on those they were interviewing.  Oh for the days of "just the facts"   As news outlets try to "scoop" each other, they flood the "marketplace" with misinformation and in some cases crack-pot theories about what is going on and why.  I have gotten to the point where I don't even trust NPR after listening to one interviewer ask one police specialist if this was caused by "the militarization of police departments"  not once, but TWICE.  As far as I can see, it was caused by two people with some yet un-revealed motive.  To blame the police for this is just irresponsible journalism.


There is also a backlash on those who are posting thoughts of comfort. Sending thoughts and prayers as a means of support has NOTHING to do with legislation.  I don't see why there is such a huge backlash.  Certainly, people are tired of gun violence, BUT mocking someone who is sending a few words of sympathy is wrong.  What  do they want our leaders to say  "I will avenge you?"  We need to look at gun ownership AND extremism in this country.  It is not going to be solved overnight by a meme or a tweet.   I don't think taking guns out of the hands of citizens is the way to go, but I'm not sure what will solve it.  We didn't get this way overnight and we need cooler heads from BOTH sides of the argument to think things through.


So, I pray for those who were injured and for the families of those who were killed.  There is no sense in this.

Thanksgiving, Advent and the holiday rush

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.   I joke that i is four days off work, all centered around eating as much as possible, but that's not it.  I love to cook.   Thanksgiving is my "gift" to people who join us for dinner.  I begin working on it mentally a few days before the actual prep work begins.  When it does, it's more like a military campaign than anything else.  I am like a machine in the kitchen.  This year I added Chocolate mousse in cinnamon cups to the usual pumpkin and apple pies.  I made teriyaki chicken as a starter and for one guest who wasn't crazy about turkey ( which he ate as well!)  But Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on my blessings.  A lot of people use the month of November to list something they are thankful for every day and I like to do that but somehow it got away from me this year.  It's December 1, the start of the Advent and I am way behind on everything, so here in no particular order are the things I am thankful for:

Chris-well that goes without saying, but I will say it anyway. If you know me, you know that my husband is my rock and my greatest gift.  His love is my center and I don't think I could not have faced a lot of the challenges presented me without him ( I probably could have but he made me stronger)

Bobby- My little man is such a bundle of joy, he fills my heart when I think about him.

Family- even if we are far apart, we "see"each other on Facebook or in emails and I know we are connected by our hearts

Friends- I am truly blessed with the most amazing group of friends, they are more like extended family than "friends"

Coffee.  No explanation necessary

Work-  I have a job that frustrates me a lot more than it should these days, but I am thankful that I have work that is meaningful and makes a difference, even if it is not splashy or obvious. I am not saving lives or on magazine covers, but I think my work is important as it helps the system do what it does.  I cannot imagine a world without libraries and would not want to live in one that did not have them.

Books.  Again, no explanation needed.

Music.  I love to sing, even if I do have a voice that will sterilize toads at three hundred paces.  I listen to music in my kitchen when I am cooking or when I am driving.  I don't like music at work.  I find it distracting in an office setting.  Not everyone likes or wants to hear the same type of music.  I have a waterfall machine on my desk that seems to help, when my coworkers are listening to their music.  I work in what is becoming a small space and sharing it can be a challenge. We do our  best.


Today begins Advent. I do not have my calendar.  I don't have children so maybe this year I will forego it.  As we enter the holiday season, we are bombarded with the BUY BUY BUY of Christmas.  I am going to try to remember what I believe the holiday season is all about; we become reflective int he last month of the year, we remember the joys and try to thank those who have been a blessing this year.  We try to forgive and shed ourselves of the old wounds as we enter into the hope the new year brings.   I am sick to death of the "buy the perfect gift" commercialism that the Winter holidays- ALL OF THEM- have become.  I will try to remember that giving of myself is the real "reason for the season".

Yosemite, Charlie Brown and Thanksgiving

I start out by typing the title of this piece in hopes that I will talk about the things I put there.  I can never be sure that I will because my mind often wanders down another path as I type.  That's how I write these.  I just put my fingers on the keys and ... GO

This weekend Chris and I celebrated our 6th anniversary by going to Yosemite.  Admittedly it was too long a drive for the turn-around  one night stay that we did and I would have liked to go for a longer period,  We are talking about going again in the Spring.  Maybe renting a cabin mid-week and staying a few days.  I have to look into the cost.  Whenever I am on vacation, I wonder what it would be like to live in the place we are visiting.  I think I am gearing up for retirement in my head.  Where will I want to live when I do- and WHAT can I afford?  I will probably have to leave the LA area, as it is far too expensive to continue to live here.  I need to be near water and probably trees.  I used to think I could not bear to be away from the ocean, but I haven't been to the beach in years.  I find when I am in the forest that I feel most peaceful.  I don't know about living in snow, however.  Given my medical challenges, I am not sure cold weather would be a whole lot of fun.  I don't ski, I am about as coordinated as a three-legged elephant.  But Yosemite was everything I had heard it was.  We were blessed with my favorite weather, cold crisp and clear.  It was perfect for walking around, even if my arthritis flare prohibited me from doing too much.  Chris is still having trouble walking but I want to go back in the spring and take the open tram tour.  The buses were wonderful, if packed and we were able to hop ( relatively) on and off to see a lot of the valley.  Next time we will see more, but I got some wonderful shots of Bridal Veil Falls ( I hiked up to the falls) and Half Dome ( I DIDN'T hike there!)

A few weeks ago, our next-door neighbor invited us to join him at the premiere of the Peanuts Movie.  It was wonderful.  I had never been to a premier and I think this was a-typical as it was geared toward children and family fun.  I got a cute little Peanuts lunch box and we had our picture taken on the green carpet, complete with a green screen!   The movie  was shown in one of the large theaters in Westwood that has been refurbished, to reflect the grandness of old time movie palaces with modern touches ( the seats are more comfortable!)  The movie was very sweet and really hearkened back to the original feel of Charlie Brown.  It's funny, my husband's family calls him "Charlie"  after one cousin dubbed him "Charlie Brown" as a baby.  I am "the Little red-haired girl" albeit "suicide red" as I dye it myself!  I enjoyed it immensely.  We had great seats in the first row of tha balcony, which is always my favorite place to sit in any venue.

Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday, is just a few days away and I am gearing up for the work that I usually do to prepare a meal for my "other family" my friends who come every year to share a meal with us.  It is admittedly a LOT of work, but it is my gift to the people who join us and I love doing it.   It's almost like a military campaign.  I have my plan as to what I am going to do and usually it works out ok.  The great thing is my friends don't mind if I say diner at 3:30 turns into dinner at 4:30.  It's wonderful to have a house full of laughter and good conversation-  and pie.  There has to be pie.

Thinking about McGroarty Arts Center. Again.

It's been a while since I wrote anything.  It's hard to get back into the swing of things and I am often distracted by mindless games on Facebook.  It's bad and I know I need to write more and play less.  Writing has always been my solace and my sanity.  Putting pen to paper, or in this case fingers to keyboards, has always been my joy.  I have been stressed and busy and not making time for the one thing that helps.   So often in this world we get bogged down by the day to day and forget to pursue art that will help us to relax and become whole again.  Schools in particular are forgetting to give our children the time they need to create.  It's all about test taking and qualifying.  So much of the creative arts have been removed from daily life.  When we create, we connect.   I suppose that is why I am fighting so hard to "Save" McGroarty Arts Center.   It needs saving.  for one reason or another- and it's many things that happened, not just one incident or one person- the Center is floundering.  We are trying to reach three thousand people who will donate at least ten dollars each.   It's a simple idea.  I feel bad about constantly asking my friends to donate and they do when I ask but I think that I am ALWAYS asking.  I wish I could do more, but my time and my funds are limited.  It weighs on me, that we see a decline in teaching children that art and science or art and math are partners in creating balance in our lives.

McGroarty is having their annual Holiday Boutique and Chili Bowl sale the weekend of December 5-6.  I will be baking up a storm and making chili.  On Sunday the 6th I will be hosting a cookie decorating booth- my good friend Willow and I are personally baking the cookies for decorating,  Edible art!

I hope we can save the Center.  I try not to think about a Tujunga without it.  It is a real possibility however,but if it happens it won't be for lack of trying on my part,

"war on Christmas"? I don't think so.

In response to a friends' copied post about how Christians are being "persecuted" and not allowed to celebrate their holiday I offered this:

No one is asking that Christians celebrate 'mas" 　 The "politically correct" folks who chide us for saying Merry Christmas are wrong,but so are the Christians who think that ONLY "Jesus is the reason for the season" The holidays encompass many different traditions,not JUST Christmas. Sometimes we forget that. There is Hanukkah and Solstice and Kwanzaa during December. People on both sides of the coin are quick to take offense these days. If someone wishes me "happy ... whatever holiday they celebrate" I thank them, because they consider me a friend enough to include me in their traditions. I do try to remember to wish friends who don't celebrate Christmas a happy ( whatever they celebrate) It's only kindness, I am not buying into the whole "war on Christmas" thing. Christmas has become a commercial enterprise, not a religious celebration of the birth of Christ. During December, take a moment to reflect ( as the Winter Holidays are meant for you to do) on the blessings in your life. Celebrate in your tradition and stop worrying that Christians are getting a bad deal. Look in ANY store after the 4th of July and you will see them gearing up for Christmas! The people who take "Christ" out of Christmas, in my opinion are THOSE people who have turned it into a nonstop guilt fest of gift giving and finding "the perfect gift". It's not Thanksgiving yet. I don't wish ANYONE "Merry Christmas until December.


As a Christian, I am getting sick of the extreme idiots getting out there in the press as if what they believe represents us all. The whole Starbucks cup thing is monumentally stupid. Bill O'Reilly felt his fame slipping away so he created this whole "There is a War on Christmas" maelstrom. that is getting his angry face all over the television again. Jesus must be so pleased. For me, Christmas is about remembering the year. I reflect on the blessings of my life, take time to thank my friends for being in my life. It's that simple. Christmas has become this commercial thing that strays from the religious aspect of it. I hate seeing all the Christmas things BEFORE HALLOWEEN. sheesh.

so, with that in mind, I wish you.. Happy Thanksgiving!

Tito

This is a blog I don't want to write.  I had intended to write a light frothy piece about the new Peanuts Movie, and I still will do that, probably tomorrow.  But last night I got a text from a friend that broke my heart.

My friend, Evita, is more than a friend; she's really like a sister.  After all, it was her sweet voice that brought me to my husband Chris.  They were in a band together.  They had been childhood friends and were playing together.  I discovered them via the old My Space site, back when it was a way for bands to get their music out there.  I loved her powerful voice and went to see the band.  The rest, as they say, is history.

Evita has two children, the beautiful, smart, fierce Glo and Tito, who is blind and severely autistic.  I think Tito is 18 but  I would put his emotional age around one, maybe two.  He was always full of giggles and hugs when I used to see him on a regular basis.  As he grew into a teenager he became more difficult and the decision was made to place him in a home where he could get the care he needed that she could no longer provide for him.  It was an emotional decision, but the right one for Tito  and he adapted and seemed happy.  Evita visited him as much as she could.

Yesterday, Evita texted me that Tito has a large tumor on his leg and the cancer has spread. It is terminal.  It is hard to know what to say in that instance and anything I said seemed trite and hollow.  She said something that hit me in the stomach like a physical blow. She said "I need to start setting money aside for a funeral."  She is a single mother and Tito's father is not anywhere in the picture anymore  ( for good reason and she has done a fine job raising here children without him)  Chris and I have offered what help we can give.

Over the next few days, we will be creating a Go-Fund me to help her with whatever expenses come her way as she faces what no parent should have to face.  We always knew Tito's time here would be brief, but knowing it in your head and facing it are two different things.  I have been asking my friends to donate money a lot these days and I hate doing that .  My hope is that we can create a go-fund me that will go viral and she will be able to raise the funds she will need in this horrible time.

Send up a prayer or some love and light to my Sister-from-another Mister.   I cannot begin to imagine what she and here family are going through right now.

Samhain, Halloween and other autumnal musings

It's finally getting chilly here.  There's a definite snap in the air, quite a relief from the soaring temperatures of an unusual "Indian Summer" that we have around here.   I wonder if someone will take exception to that term.  People are so sensitive these days, as if everything is offensive.  I am waiting for the people who will post about "Black Friday" being an insult to Black people.  I have already seen one moronic post about not shopping until after January 1.  Hello???   doesn't that impact ALL businesses?  It won't be "Sticking it to the Man" if you don't patronize any business during the Holiday season.  Sheesh.  Last year I saw someone post that "Black Friday" was the day the slave-owners sold off their slaves because the harvest was over and they didn't need them so the DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING was a sale day and we need to protest Black Friday.  Ok.. Historically speaking, Thanksgiving was put into effect by ABRAHAM LINCOLN.  Remember him?  So, since this was during the Civil War, I don't think there was a huge sale going on.  Black Friday is the date that Businesses are "in the Black" which means that they have TURNED A PROFIT, but people are so quick to take offense about everything, they forget to focus on what is truly offensive, making their protests weaker by the sheer number of rants.


My office had a Halloween Party, well lunch really.  A lot of us dressed up and I heard one of my co-workers say to another "oh , you're a witch?  You're too nice to be a witch"  HUH?  It made me think of the lines from the Wizard of Oz "Witches are old and ugly!  Only bad witches are ugly" I have a number of friends who identify as witches and they are not evil.  It got me to wondering about how our collective idea about witches and witchcraft got to be how it is. Sad to say, I blame Christianity.  In the early days, either you converted or were killed.  People who practiced Wicca, or a form of Paganism, were whispered about, how they were in league with Satan and needed to be exterminated because they were plotting to take over and they were the reason the crops or livestock were dying off ( blah blah blah)  Pagans don't even believe in the devil, those are Satanists and a different group altogether .  Those among us who are sensitive to the earth and who understand the original magic that the world possessed were and are feared by those who do not understand them.  I thought about Samhain, but did not celebrate in anyway this year.  I barely did Halloween which is really a children's holiday anyway.


I am glad for the chill in the air, a chance to toss another blanket on the bed. I sleep better when I am warm and snuggled down in the blankets. I love Summer, but not the unrelenting heat.  I love the clean crisp air of Autumn, which as an adult has become my favorite season. I can cook and bake and not have the kitchen be a sweatbox!  I am looking forward to Thanksgiving!

Me. 29 years later

It was 29 years ago today ( no not Sgt Pepper) but a 28 year old me started work in Branch Library Services.  I was an "in -lieu" Administrative Assistant ( I was still a Junior Administrative Assistant at the time)  I was nervous, but happy.  I was going "home" to the Library Department.  I was mightily unhappy at the Department of Transportation, where the Old Boy Network thwarted my professional development at every turn. I was told to make coffee and answer the phones -this by my supervisor who did not like conflict and when I complained about my treatment basically told me to shut up.  I told him to write me a good review and I would transfer.  I reminded him that a bad review would keep me in his unit, but a good one would get rid of me.  He saw the logic of my reasoning and wrote me a decent review. The song "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel was my "theme"song at that time.  About making choices and sticking to them and going "home" in the process.  To me, the Library was and is home.  At one point in time, I wanted to be a Librarian, but I worked for a woman who was so vile, I did not pursue that, left the Department and became a Management Analyst.  The job is a good fit for me and it has been a wonderful adventure.  Most of the time, I love what I do. It can be maddening and frustrating, but the job of getting repairs made to branches impacts a lot of people in this city.  I have been doing it for so long, I know who to call for what without thinking. I am fortunate to have good working relationships with other departments, which has been a long road.  When I first started there, the department that handles our repair work was , shall we say "resistant"?to helping us.  Thankfully, those who were like that have long since retired and the people I worked with in the early days have moved up to supervisory positions and understand where we are coming from in out requests.   I remember one supervisor who would routinely deny my emergency requests, telling me he had already had one nervous breakdown on the job he wasn't going to have another  one so no he would NOT send an electrician out to my branch today to fix anything.  When he retired, I had a party- he wasn't invited!

So today, I celebrate what has become my career.  I never think of it in those terms and I suppose I should.  This is not just a job, it's an adventure, as the old Army commercial goes, and I pity the person who comes after me.  They tell me I should write a manual, but I am not sure that would help much.  When I took this job, my predecessor left me three phone numbers and a note that said "good luck"  I am not sure that a manual would be much better than that.

Driving in Los Angeles

Is it me, or is there just more traffic on the road these days?  I drive about 20 miles to work and it has been taking me well over an hour to get to work.   Mostly because of rude drivers.  Whatever happened to courtesy?   Now it's ME ME ME  and "I may be slow but I'm ahead of you"  Maybe it's MY problem with mini road rage but honestly tell me I am wrong in this situation:

I get off the freeway at Stadium Way and go up the hill through Elysian Park to get to Sunset.  A lot of people do this and sometimes the right turn lane goes all the way down the hill to the curve.  No problem, I get in line when I see it forming.  Sometimes people try to get over and there is a place in my mind where you should have NOTICED all the OTHER drivers were lined up and try to get into the line.  You should NEVER EVER zoom past everyone and try to cut in near the corner where the turn actually is.  THAT is why the line takes so long.  all these entitled morons ( mostly, I note, in Mercedes and Lexus') who feel that cutting in line AFTER the solid white line is their right.  I'm a "B" after a certain demarcation which in my mind is acceptable to try to enter the line.  I would be willing to bet these people took "cuts" in school all the time too!

I am dreading the time change next week.  That seems to discombobulate people even more.  Yes, you now need to turn on your headlights when driving home from work.  It's Fall.  Get over it.  The first week after return to Standard time is a NIGHTMARE.

When I was a teenager, back in the stone ages, driving used to be fun and something you would do for entertainment "Let's go for a drive!"   I wonder when it became a drag or as the Police song says we are "Packed like lemmings into shiny metal boxes"  We spend more time in our cars than we do in our homes and I don't think we get a lot of pleasure out of it.  I see kids packed in the backs of Urban Assault Vehicles ( SUVs)   with the video monitor to entertain the,  We are just packing them into mobile living rooms.  I get kind of annoyed.  Remember when you would look at the SCENERY or play car games to entertain you?  I wonder if we are contributing to the rise in ADD in kids by constantly force feeding them entertainment and not expecting them to use their imagination to create their own entertainment?   Are we "medicating" them by not expecting them to look at things around them and discover and wonder about things?  I don't have that kind of stuff in my car and the few times my grandson has ridden with me, I talk to him or sing a bit, but he's a baby and quickly falls asleep anyway!.  I hope to have long conversations with him about what we see on the road when he is old enough to travel with me!

I'd better get moving.  Traffic on the 2 awaits!

Thinking about time, memory and Back to the Future

This week a lot of people have been talking about the movie "Back to the Future"  which was a sweet film that I am sure could not be made today.  It was light entertainment, with serious themes of dealing with bullies and struggling with identity, but I have a real problem with the whole idea of going back in time and changing the past.  Here it is;  if you successfully went back in time and changed it, wouldn't that change be all you knew, so there would be no difference in the future you knew?  I mean, your being there made certain things happen and the progression of time would be as you knew it in the future.  Does that make sense?  And while I loved the movie, that thought occurred to me , when he arrives back in the 1980's that it should have been no different than the one he left because he had already done that in the past.

There's a line in a Jackson Browne song "while the future's there for anyone to change, still, you know, it seem it would be easier sometimes to change the past"  A lot of people change the past.  They reinvent their history or history in general, telling a story over and over until it becomes clearer than the reality.  I recently , jokingly, told one of my oldest friends that we should get together and mis-remember our childhood together. It's funny when you are talking to someone , remembering an event you both were present for and each of you has a distinct, contrary memory of it.  It's pointless to argue with someone when they are so firm in their memory about something.  Sometimes I wonder if my memory is playing tricks on me or that, like my mother, I have Alzheimer's. I don't think I do but sometimes when my mind can't find the right word for something I panic. Watching my brilliant, funny mother fade away bit by bit was probably the most heartbreaking thing I have had to go through.  I miss her terribly these days and wish she were here to talk to. I "talk" to her all the time and sometimes I can hear her, but it's not the same.  I think what I am going through is just age and an inordinate amount of stress, which I am trying to disperse and hopefully in the next few months things will ease up. Phrases from songs that talk about time and patience, reminding me that everything happens in it's own time are resonating with me today. Ecclesiastes 3, which the Byrds turned into a song  reminds me that to everything there is a season and that the past, the present and the future are all tied together.  We are taught that time is linear, but I often wonder if time is an artificial conceit, conceived as a way to keep communities of people organised for survival.

Still at some point, I would like to revisit "Back to the Future" if just to see an old friend long since passed, who is a character actor at the beginning of the film.  I only want to see the first one.  The next two were shameless attempts to recapture the magic of the first one,  In Hollywood, they say " a sequel never equals" but that does't stop them from making them.

Speaking in Metaphor

"Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I never wanted another."

I woke up this morning thinking about this quote, well not the whole quote but just about wanting a mission and being given one "for my sins"  I often think about it, the "be careful what you wish for the Universe will grant it" type of thing.    I could use a little wish granting these days and if magic is desire made real ( I read that recently) then I could use a bit of magic too.

There is far to much on my plate and although I have done my best to delegate and scale back, something always happens and  more is heaped on my plate.  I always say, when things get overwhelming, take small bites, so today I am going to look thoughtfully at my plate and see which bites I can finish and which will have to wait.

Every so often, you really should stop and evaluate where you are and where you are going , consult the psychic road-map if you will.  That is where I am now.  What is is that I really want and need and what is it that I need to finish and move away from.  I am at a crossroads of sorts and I am waiting for more information about a few things I have no control over before I can proceed with anything. The next two or three weeks should tell and whatever it is I need to do, there will be a definite road to take.  Ultimately it becomes clear and there is no other path to take.  It might be a rough road, but with my husband who always has my back and my hand  and with friends who give love and support I will be ok.

Every morning, before I think about my needs, I try to remember to count my blessings and be grateful for them.  It's easy to say "I want! I want!" , but I must remember that I HAVE and be thankful for that.

Thursday morning thoughts

I was off work for a few days and I did watch SOME daytime television.  It's changed somewhat since the days when I was home a lot during the day.  I don't think there are any soap operas left, which is a shame because now all there seems to be are talk shows that strive to be identical.  What ever happened to originality?  They all seem to have the same mix of people, you know, the black woman, the ditsy blonde the educated woman and the comic foil.  They have a male version of this as well.  UGH.   I wound up watching a marathon of "The First 48"  which is interesting, but a lot of it IS staged- the cameras always seem to be there when the cops get THE call that breaks the case.  Still it is a look into how real police work is done and far more interesting than the talking heads who bicker.

Which leads me to commercials.   Suddenly there are WAY too many advertisements for toilet paper.  "enjoy the go?"  The one with the bears that reminds us that we all "go" and we should enjoy it?  There is another that focuses on the musings of various bathroom statuary, remarking on what they have to look at every day.  Now , THERE"S a pleasant thought, but the one that got me was what I believe was a British commercial, where the woman stood outside a makeshift privy and asked guys if they felt secure enough to "go commando" after using this particular brand of toilet paper.  That to me was a new low.  Toilet paper commercials WANT yo to think about wiping your backside, which I suppose is the point , but they used to just talk about strength and softness,not the acts that led up to the use of the paper.

I was watching a Target commercial and it made me sad.  There was a young girl, lying on her back listening to music in her headphones.  The camera pans out to show about six other young girls in a circle with her , heads touching, all listening to music.  Is THAT how teens are? I remember sharing songs on the radio or on the record player, singing along or talking about the music or the band.  The only time I used headphones was when I was not with my friends and I wanted to spare my folks the "noise" while I knitted or embroidered.  It drove home the point that technology has really alienated us from one another.  A recent survey on AARP ( yes, I'm a member) cited the Internet as being the reason we don't know our neighbors.  I make it a point to talk to mine.  We live in a small old apartment building and I do know most of my neighbors, at least to say hello.  We have dinner and go out to do things with a few of our neighbors on a regular basis.  I wonder if the next generation will do that type of thing.  We are so often distrustful of other people's motives and I wonder why.  I wish that I did not find myself wondering sometimes if someone is just nice because they want something.   I would like to believe that most people are kind because they CAN be, not because they need to be for some goal other than to help someone in need.  I will strive for that.

Poem

Traveling across
the wide expanse of Nevada Desert
I see angels in the clouds
They fly
dance
spin
wave and beckon to me
welcomingly.

Others see
animals
and airplanes
in the shapes in the sky
I only see angels
and the wisps of what they were.

Vacation ups and downs- now that I'm home

I didn't post anything because the Aquarius in Laughlin charges 12 buck a day for internet, I am cheap and my laptop is too old to handle the high-speed anyway.  So here is what I think will be my final thoughts on this vacation.

I think I lost weight on this vacation.  I know, I know, usually people gain weight, but I didn't eat a lot  this time, the food wasn't all that good.  My friend Tom says I always complain about the food and I suppose he is right. Chris and I were talking about one of the two good places and I said "well I won't downgrade them because the food was not to my liking, it was well cooked and lots of it"  Chris pointed out I talk like a restaurant reviewer, which I suppose I do.

We had been told there was a wonderful place for pie in Williams , the Country Pine, so we made a point to go there before leaving town.  Frankly, I was disappointed.  I got peach pie which is one of my favorites.  They used CANNED PIE FILLING! I should know,as I am a pretty fair scratch baker.  Chris got the chocolate cream cheese and it was just ok.  He and I talked about the pies I needed to make when I get home, Including a new twist on my chocolate- orange pie.  The food at the Country pine was microwaved.

We had HORRIBLE food in Laughlin as well as some amazing food in Laughlin.  NEVER, and I mean NEVER eat at the Windows on The River in the Aquarius.  Here is what I posted on my Yelp review:

Where to begin?  I suppose it's best to begin at the beginning.  I should have turned around when I first looked  at the offerings on a Tuesday night,  The "fruit station" had leftover meat from the sandwich bar from lunch  ( this was DINNER around 8 pm)  The cooked meats looked like they too were leftover from lunch , dried and curled up.  The "carving station " featured a roasted PINEAPPLE that they "chef" was carving up.  I tried the corn from the sad little salad bar, it was vinegar-ed so badly I spit it into my napkin. But the FINAL straw was that the piece of pie I thought might make me feel better about the place had MOLD!  At 20 bucks a person I felt violated.


Chris had several "meals" at McDonald's  I actually had a Happy Meal at one point.  Chris has been having some real trouble with his hip pain, several times I could see that the pain was way too much for him to bear so we rented a scooter.  I could NOT have pushed him in a wheelchair, as my knees are not doing so well either and there was a LOT of walking at the Grand Canyon. The scooter was well worth the money and it really made a difference in our trip experience. We decided to "motor" over to the Pioneer to get breakfast. I thought it would be ok and I could walk it. It was a HELL of a lot farther than we remembered and the River-walk was closed at some points so we wound up zigzagging through the parking lots of several casinos before making it to Bumbleberry Flats.  It was WORTH it.  I got a waffle and eggs that were so yummy I ate too much.  I also treated myself to an Irish coffee to cope with the pain in my knees.  There was NO WAY I could walk back and no one could confirm that the water taxi could take the scooter, so Chris "motored" back and I took the taxi.  It was nice to be on the river and the captain assured me that the taxis CAN take the scooter ( except to the Nugget where the step is too steep).  When it came time for dinner, we went next door to Daniel's on the River. Here is what I said on Yelp:

We went for dinner, more out of desperation than anything else.  We had not found a good meal in Laughlin other than Bumbleberry Flats.  It was a Wednesday night- apparently two for-one burger night and the place was packed!  It took a LONG time to get our meal, my husband ordered the Chef's salad and I got a Philly cheese-steak.  we were BOTH really impressed, the salad had real cooked chicken, not the weird processed meat you often find in a Chef's salad.  My cheese-steak was perfectly seasoned, the veggies cooked just right and BEST OF ALL the bread had been toasted on the grill, not microwaved.  YUM! The server apologized for the long wait and they did keep up well supplied with iced tea during the wait for the food. We went again for breakfast the next morning as it was next to the hotel we were staying in and I did not feel  like walking or driving very far.  The breakfast was HUGE and very satisfying.  A half- order of biscuits and gravy would be a full order anywhere else.  The service was excellent.

We did take the River Cruise, a 90 minute ride on the river with  a tour that gave you the history of Laughlin. We opted for a small snack and a drink on the cruise and were pleasantly surprised that one of the waitstaff, Tiffany, remembered us from the dinner cruise we took back in November!  I recommend both the dinner cruise and the tour, which at ten buck a person is a bargain ( the dinner cruise is a bit more pricey BUT you get dinner and it's good!) It was a lovely day and we shared the table with three people from Australia.  You meet the nicest people when you share a table.  When we were leaving Williams, we went for the final breakfast at the Depot Cafe.  Meals were included and while it was nothing to write home about, it was still ok food.   The line was VERY long and time as short, as they stopped serving around 9.  The hostess asked if anyone wanted to share a table.  A few people said NO!  I can't understand that.  We said "sure" and were seated with a nice couple from Texas.  We got to talking about libraries.   The husband said that he had been driving through his hometown with his dad and both had remarked that they were surprised it was still in business.  I got really enthusiastic about how libraries are providing this amazing service and began to tell them all the things that LAPL does and I encouraged him to check out HIS local library to see what they provide.  They were from Austin and I think their library is probably a pretty good one.  He said he would and I believe he just might.  It's strange to me to find people that don't use libraries, as they had always been a part of my life, even before I started back working there as an adult.  Readers raise readers, as the saying goes, and my mom and her mom were readers.

I am back to work today, as a medical procedure next week (nothing serious) has me off for a few days.   It's good to be back in my own bed, even though most of the beds were pretty comfortable, The bed at Harrah's was strange and it wasn't until the second day that I really looked at it and realized it was not sitting square on the box spring. THAT explained it.  We did NOT get any housekeeping service while we were at Harrah's, as they tried to come in the room after we had been out all day- around 4 or 4:30 and we were resting. It was ok.  I like staying at Harrah's because we WIN at Harrah's.

Vacation ups and downs- the Grand Canyon

I have always wanted to see the Grand Canyon.  It's been on my "bucket list" for as long as I can remember.  My first husband wouldn't take me there he'd "already seen it"  Chris had too, but he wanted me to see it.  I had heard about the train ride from Williams to the Grand Canyon and the  price was pretty reasonable, so we planned to go.    There's a James Taylor song that among other things, poses the question "what happens when it rains for eight days on your week off?"  The weather was scorching in Laughlin, be here it was "brisk"  almost wintery- well Winter in California, I keep forgetting I am in Arizona.

I suppose I have lived in Los Angeles too long and been in too many artificial places.  I kept looking at the fences that separated the cow pastures from the train tracks and wondering if the pattern were deliberate or it was just what they had.  I saw split-rail fences and weathered red barns fly by on the two plus hour trip up the hill.  There were cows.  Lots of cows.  It was interesting to watch them running or walking in a line across the fields.  Chris and I tried to come up with a name for the desert landscape, not exactly a prairie, I thought of Chaparral, which seemed most to fit.

The train ride was nice.  I am glad we opted for the first class, which was about 20 bucks more.  They served snacks and coffee.  I was thinking I should not drink so much coffee, but it was nice to have coffee and pastries..  We HAD had breakfast at the Depot Cafe, it's part of the package.  The food is like a bad Denny's, but it's relatively hot and it's in the hotel compound so I guess that's ok.  The next time, and we decided there WILL be a next time, we are opting for the observation seats, which are on the second level of the train and have a glass bubble around them.  There was entertainment on the train and it was amusing ( I STILL don't like the train robbers)


You cannot imaging, if you have not seen it, how vast and beautiful the Grand Canyon is.  It was really overcast.  It had been raining on the way up to the Canyon but we figured we would get some beautiful pictures in the rain.  Chris was determined that it would clear up just before we got there and it did.  I got some pretty awesome ( if I do say so myself) photos of the Canyon.  The tour was a great introduction to the park, but next time, and as I said, there WILL be a next time, we are going off on our own,

The weather cooperated and we did not have more than a drizzle while we were on the tour,.  At the last stop there was a HUGE rumble of thunder and as we wee heading back to the train the skies opened up.

vacation ups and downs day 2

This is really day three but Chris says the best part of being on vacation is forgetting what day it is.  That is all well and good if you don't have an itinerary, but we do, at least for tomorrow we do.  We will be taking the train to the Grand Canyon.  We have a tight schedule for the trip.  I hope we make it.  We have to Board the train at 9:15  we might miss the "wild West" show, which is probably just like the one in Pioneertown and Oatman and dozens of other places, including Knotts Berry Farm.  I won't be upset if I miss that.

I could give a pass on the food and entertainment at the Grand Depot Cafe.  It wasn't bad but it wasn't great.  The entertainment, however was downright painful.  One guy, singing, playing guitar and drums and "singing" from a list of songs.  I suppose the idea is that you request from his list and tip him.  Can I give him 20 bucks not to play for an hour?  Perhaps we should ask his hourly rate and take up a collection.  Chris and I were playing a ghastly version of "name that tune" based n his playlist and the lyrics we could understand.  He mumbled, some and either swallowed or made up the rest.  We took pity on the server for having to listen to that and tipped her "hazard pay"

Speaking of food, and when do I not?  We made a visit last night to our favorite place in Laughlin, Bumbleberry Flats.  We had an outstanding meal, we shared the twisted turkey dinner;which featured a sage stuffing waffle.  Some places have taken to making waffle-esque things out of mashed potatoes and stuffing.  It was quite good and filling!  For breakfast we went to the Coyote Cafe II in Bullhead City.  Typical diner food but really attentive servers and a pleasant vibe.

We will try the breakfast and as it is part of the package probably go back for dinner at the Depot Cafe.  Nothing to write home about.

Vacation ups and downs- Day 1

I needed a vacation.  Everyone has been telling me that and I have to agree.  We are in Laughlin.  I needed time near the water, UNFORTUNATELY the river is very low and the whole idea of taking a river cruise and just watching the river run now needs to be re-evaluated.  ARGH.

I will never eat at Harrah's buffet again.  I had an unpleasant experience.  It's expensive- well, pricy for what they offer- and I went to get dessert.  SOME of the desserts had warnings on them about nuts, I am allergic and I really SHOULD know better at this stage of the game.  I asked the person behind the counter if the strudel had nuts and she said "not that i'm aware of" so I got a piece.  seriously a lot of the other desserts said they had nuts so I MISTAKENLY assumed that the warnings were done universally.  NOPE!  A few bites in, I discover the walnuts.  I am only mildly allergic to walnut ( well I think so, I really never liked the taste of them so I don't really know)  I took an antihistamine and asked to speak to the manager .  I din't WANT anything from him, I wasn't asking for a comp or anything, I just wanted him to know what happened. His answer?  " we change the recipe all the time so I can't tell what's in it every day"  REALY?  Now I know traditional strudel does have walnuts ( except mine which has raisins)  I said "I'm allergic.  YOU COULD KILL SOMEONE by not warning them,"  He did not look like that statement was registering with  him.

Chris hit a fairly large jackpot.  We were fooling around in the casino.  He was down to the last 8 bucks in the machine and he said, "aw, I'm going to max bet the last two pulls"  I told him to go for it.  I was tired.    He hit $2,800 on the very last pull.  NOW our vacation just got a whole lot better!

Still, the reason I came here, to relax by the river is not going to work out as planned.  Time to regroup and see what else there is to do here.  We leave tomorrow for Arizona

Fear. Again

My sister thinks I'm a big chicken.  She has been known to make "bwak-bwak" noises at me when we are sitting on a roller coaster, for instance; conveniently forgetting I am strapped in the seat NEXT TO HER.  Afraid? You bet.  My sister is not afraid of anything.  I think as kids she would have jumped off the roof on a dare ( she may have done that but our childhoods were a long time ago and I can get a little fuzzy on the details)  I would have been the one trying to calculate how to jump and how to break the fall, and then decided it was better to be a live chicken than a dead duck.

I like to think that I have a certain amount of courage.  I have faced down some pretty terrible things and made it to the other side of them.  I remind myself that courage is not the absence of fear,it is being afraid and doing it anyway.   Today I am having a test done and I am more terrified than I probably should be.  The test itself will probably hurt a bit.  The literature on it says it's "uncomfortable"  My doctor told me to take a Vicodin before the test, which tells you just what level of "discomfort" he expects.  I am going to breathe and get through this.  The thing that scares me is the results. Either I will have the disease now or will need to have this test done on a regular basis to see if it develops.  I will get the results and consider my options.  Ultimately, I am looking at the surgery, it's really just a question of when, not if.   I doubt there is really a "good" time for this to happen, but this week it is really important for me to be able to do things.  My Bobby turns a year old on Friday and I am looking forward to going to a baseball game with him. We have the tickets.  I am making him a cake, per my daughter's request.  I don't have time to be out of it.

So send me good thoughts today. I'll check in later and tell you how it went.

Faith and Kim Davis

She's all over the news and social media, so I suppose it's time I tossed in my two cents on the whole Kentucky clerk question.

She's wrong.

My father used to say "your rights end at my nose" .  Kim swore an oath to uphold the law of the land and just because her beliefs don't jibe with that law, does not mean that she can pick and choose which laws she is oath-bound to uphold.When the law passed, it was her responsibility to approach her employer and say that she could not do this on moral grounds.  It was then their responsibility to come up with a compromise that would allow the law to be upheld without forcing someone to go against their (wrong-headed) beliefs.  She's in jail because she continued to defy a court order. She encouraged and instructed her staff to defy the court order. If you or I defied a work directive, we would be fired or at the very least put on administrative leave and sent to another department. Kim and her lawyer are trying desperately to make her a Christian Martyr.  I smell a book deal and the talk-show circuit in her future.

I identify as Christian, specifically  "Plain-wrap, white bread Christian" but there you have it.  There are a lot of people talking about how we practice a "fairy tale religion"  and frankly I am a bit more than offended by that stance.  In some ways, the non-believers are as bad as some of the more radical evangelicals who preach damnation of you don't believe EXACTLY as they do.  I think I am a rather intelligent person.  I am also a person of faith.  I do not know how someone who had no belief in anything gets out of bed in the morning. I know my faith informs me, it guides me and it give me hope. As the song goes "You've gotta believe in something, if you don't you will be lost."  I do not believe anyone needs to believe as I do.  I do question some people's interpretation of the Bible.  Accuse me of "cherry picking" but here is my interpretation:   Harm no one, Help them if you can. Love one another. What is hateful to you, do not do to others. The rest  of the Bible is commentary. If you look at the Bible, I believe scholars divide it into three parts; history, poetry and philosophy.  I don't take all the philosophical rhetoric to heart, as a lot of it is in direct conflict with other passages.  When developing a philosophy of your own, you study what others have said and embrace or discard those ideas as they apply - or don't- to the core of what you believe.

That being said, I hope the Kim Davis situation , and potential situations like hers, can be avoided.  The fact that she is using her religion to deny specific rights to human beings whose lifestyle she disagrees with is just plain wrong.  What if a fast food worker, whose place of business began selling a product that their beliefs forbade them to consume, decided that in stead of looking for a way to continue to work but not serve that product and denied customers based solely on their beliefs?  Now getting a pulled pork sandwich is not a basic human right, but you get the idea.  When is one segment of the religious community allowed to dictate what others must believe?   Despite what you hear, the Founding Fathers of this country were VERY clear on separation of church and state for that very reason. There is no reference to God in the Constitution.  I was always taught America was founded on freedom OF and  freedom FROM religion.  I hope that is made clear to Ms Davis and others who feel that they have the right to use their beliefs to enforce their biases.

Saturday morning coffee thoughts

It was quite a week and I am reflecting on it, as well as trying to wrap my head around the week ahead.

A while back I took a promotional exam and yesterday I found out I did not pass.  I was disappointed, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I did not really want the job and here's why:

1-  The job is mostly supervision.  I HATE supervising.  Chris observed that I am more of a hands-on  get-it -done kind of person.  I hate having to monitor and correct people's work.

2- I really like working at the Library and there is no job in that classification- that I can see- in the Department.  At this stage of my life, do I really want to go somewhere else and learn a whole new language of a new job?  Probably not.

3- Stress is NOT my friend.  While a little tension can make life interesting, I have seen the job above me and I am not sure the "cost" is worth the recompense.  Both the supervisors who work over me work longer hours and are always on call.  I can turn my phone off, they are salaried and can't.

4- I am facing some health challenges.   If things get bad, this is NOT the time to be trying to acclimate to a new position.

I need to realize that God ( or the Universe) has his plans and I need to see that although it may be not what I wanted, that it will be better in the end.


Reflecting on a recent encounter with an old friend, I realized that sometimes people from your past are in your past for a reason.  It wasn't an uncomfortable meeting, and this person is perfectly charming, but I realized that the thing that had made us friends at the time was not enough to hold a friendship together in the Now.  While I may see this person  from time to time, actively pursuing a deeper friendship is no longer on the table.  As we get older, casual friendships fall away.  Trying to maintain ties is difficult if the ties were tenuous to begin with.

Planning dinner with good friends this evening.  I have NO idea what I am making ( except for a roast chicken)  I am hoping the grocery store will provide some inspiration.   I had better get my tail in gear here.  I have "Saturday stuff" to do.

August 29

It comes around every year and every year I wonder if THIS year, I will be able to forget the date.  No.  I can't. I wish I could.

Eleven years have passed since my mother died and every year on this sad anniversary I remember her. It's not as if I don't think of her all the time but on this day, I feel her loss most keenly.  A few things came up this week and I really wish I could talk to her about them.  I have to console myself with trying to remember what she said about a particular problem and hope the information will help me.  I think if I listen, I will know.

I was thinking about a story she told me about witnessing a murder, after I witnessed an attempted murder on the street in front of my office and was totally freaked out.  She told me that when she was newly married, they lived in an apartment building and this couple lived below them.  They had been fighting loudly and violently all day.  It was night and my mom went down stairs to see if she could get them to stop.  Another neighbor, who had a young baby was at their door, pleading with the husband to stop, as she could not settle her baby to sleep.  Just then, the wife came to the door and stabbed her husband to death.  After the cops came and took the body away, one of the cops told my mother to clean up the blood in the hallway.  She complied.  It was a strange story and she never told it to me again and I never asked.  It wasn't a light-hearted story and I think the memory of the murder of someone she knew,at least in nodding acquaintance, haunted her in some way.

I am heading out to 29 Palms this morning to take care of Bobby for the day.  My daughter and my son-in-law are both working today and the person who had been their sitter is not available anymore so while she looks for a solution , I get G-ma time with Bobby.  I have not had to deal with a toddler - and yes he's toddling even if he is not quite a year- in a very long time.  I wonder if I can remember how.  I hope I don't screw up!

Letter to sixteen-year old me

There an ad campaign in which cancer survivors comment on what they would say to their sixteen year old selves. I do not have cancer or any life threatening illnesses ( life changing, yes, but I am coping) It got me wondering what I would tell me and I came up with this.


Dear Sixteen-year Old Me:

You are going to have an amazing life.  There will be some truly terrible and terrifying moments, but you are stronger than you know and braver than you think you are. With the love and the help of the wonderful friends you surround yourself with, you will get through all of it.  There will be more happiness than sorrow.  The bad times will help you realize who you are and what you want.  You will make a few HUGE mistakes, but they will teach you about compassion and love and will help you realize who your real friends are.  You will be fortunate in those friendships. Above all, remain a true and loyal friend.  Although it is something of a cliche, remember that courage is not the absence of fear.  It's being afraid and doing it anyway.  All of your life you will continue to seek your purpose, to create in some way. You will find some of that purpose in the work you choose to do and in volunteering. That's a good thing.  Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the ride. Happiness does not just fall from the sky, it is a choice you make every day, to be happy in what you have and what you are. In September of 2007, go out and see a band called "Evita Freaks".   They will change your life.

Love yourself.

57-year old You.

Monday in Sunland Tujunga

I love my community, truly I do. I moved up here after a tumultuous marriage- looking for a place I could be at peace and breathe.  S-T is a quirky community, part small-town,part City.  When I first moved up here, I got an inkling of what the lay of the land was when I picked up one of the two local papers.  There were TWO competing papers at the time (now there are THREE and frankly there isn't that much news up here!)  ONE of the papers printed, in all seriousness, a recipe for squirrel stew.  Ok then...

A few things have me saying hmmm, although I am not really surprised by either of them.  The first has to do with the Welcome Garden, which is at the freeway, near the Sunland Blvd off-ramp. They wanted to change the signage, as it was old, reflected a Council District that no longer represents us and needed an upgrade.  This project was four years in the works; proposals were written, it was hashed out in Neighborhood Council Committees and in Full STNC hearings that were open to the public.  Public Comment was sought and advertised in both local papers.  The mock-up of the sign came this week and yesterday the Committee went to the sign to make sure it fit and was what  they really wanted.With a minor change or two, the order will go forward and the Committee proudly       (and justifiably so) posted the photo of the mock up placed on the rock monument sign.   It started a firestorm on the page, mostly people saying things like "I don't like it" and "No one asked what we wanted."  Typical.  When we were opening all those branch libraries back in the early 90's, we had multiple community meetings:one to announce the project and invite public comment on the site choice,,one to introduce the selected architect and get public input for the design.  We held  MULTIPLE meetings to present the design and make changes that the community wanted for their branch, as each was unique to the particular community they would serve.  If I were to guess, I would say we had no fewer than 10 meetings per community.  We invited input on the final design.  Unfailingly, on opening day, there would be at least one person who would complain loudly and bitterly that they did not like it and why did they not consult the community before moving forward.  Rick Nelson was right.  "You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself."  Personally, I LIKE it.  It's classic and subtle and will have "staying power"  But no matter what, people are going to complain about it.

Part two is what I hope is just a few people trying to figure out what to do with the old K-Mart site.  In McAllen Texas, they took an abandoned Mall and turned it into a community Center, anchored by a public library. Now, that's very nice for McAllen Texas, but I have a whole LOT of reservations regarding the proposed project:

1- We HAVE a library.  It's very nice.  The City already owns it.  I wonder if the folks are proposing that the City BUY the property, or lease space in the building,  Either way, I can't see the City plunking down money they don't have for something they don't really need.  This, of course, will start the Greek Chorus of " we aren't getting our fair share" and "The Councilman ignores us", neither of which are particularly true.  I think anytime people want to get someone on board with a project they either drag in a library or a park "for the children" to tug at heartstrings.

2- I have heard that the building need MAJOR rehab, probably so, as it has been vacant for as long as I can remember.  Whoever buys it has a huge investment on their hand before they can recoup any gain.

3- I think it would be smarter to see what this community actually NEEDS and go after investors who might see the worth in investing in such a project up here  We are an isolated community in many respects.  We don't have a major department store up here, for instance.  We should look at what we are lacking and what would bring in jobs.  I know there are some people who would oppose this, as they are so wedded to the "small town" concept of S-T that they are missing the point that we are not bringing jobs or money into the community.  We are not a "destination" for anyone.  There are no restaurants that people would travel up here to go to.   After people hike in the canyons, they blow through here on their way to Burbank or Glendale for dinner.  I know the Backdoor Bakery is getting ready to reopen  and I hear good things about Caruso's, so I do have hope that the foodie community will discover us.  My husband jokes that the best place to eat, other than my kitchen, is Pollo Loco.  Recently the Denny's AND the Sizzler shut down. Pathetic.

I do hope they come up with something in regard to the old K-Mart site.  It's just sitting there, like the burned out hulk of the Backdoor Bakery.  The owner of the lot said he was going to tear it down and expand his parking for the businesses in the lot.  So far he has done nothing and I know if I were an owner in that strip mall I would be complaining daily that he was harming my business, as it is RIGHT on the corner and makes it look like the center is abandoned.

Maybe they should try withholding rent until he fixes it.  I wonder if they have any legal recourse.  I am not sure, but if it were me I would be screaming by now!

Reading the news

I am having a hard time mustering any sympathy for either Jared Fogel or Josh Duggar.   They both played a dangerous "game" and got caught.   I do not know the extent of the "child porn" found on Jared's computer- if he is looking at teenage girls in various states of undress or something sicker, but he should have known better,  He hired underage girls for sex.  Now admittedly, the "underage" girl was 17. My daughter and I had a discussion recently about what is so magical about turning 18 that changes everything?  I would be willing to bet that girl knew EXACTLY what she was doing.  How do we define a "victim" here?  It's not like she was a small child.  She agreed to "work" for him, as children who are 16 can do- except that that "work" is something illegal.  I am not excusing him here, just wondering if there isn't more to the story.  Want to BET she makes the rounds of television shows, with her lawyer at her side?  She will have her 15 minutes of fame.  Frankly, I would rather see kids who are doing good things be made famous than people who want to play the victim.  Do you really want to be famous for that?  I smell a book deal.

Josh Duggar.   His holier-than thou parents have thrown him under the bus in an effort to save their babymaking empire.  Now it comes out that he had an account on the cheating website?  I wonder how much of that is true and how much is made up, but Josh just needs to go away.  The one I feel sorry for is his wife.  I wonder if she knew what she was getting into  when she married him.  I don't think their religion allows divorce.  She is stuck defending him in public and standing by his side, as she was taught was right.  My ex-father in law once told me- in all seriousness- that "even when your husband is wrong, he is right"  Not on my planet!  I am tired of reality show "heroes" anyway.  No one is all good or all bad and watching other people's lives, edited versions anyway, is not entertainment to me.  What ever happened to the creative storytelling process, where writers developed characters and plot-lines and told compelling or funny stories that they made up.  I don't want to watch people fight all the time.  I don't watch that stuff, but when I visit my daughter, she has it on.  She had a retrospective of  the "Real Housewives of New York" on.  Those women, in my observation are neither real nor housewives.  One of them had so much plastic surgery done on her eyes she looked like a Siamese cat!  She kept rolling her eyes, but her skin was stretched so tight, the motion looked like it hurt.

I am watching with horror the "candidates" that are emerging from the Republican Party.  Surely, there are people on the conservative side who are not, how do I say this? BATSHIT CRAZY?   The fact that Donald Trump is their front-runner is just too impossible to take in.  In what world would he be an appropriate choice to lead our country?  The man opens his mouth and insults come out.  So far, he has offended women, Hispanics and gays. I am waiting for him to insult the rest of the non-white male population.  He is a train wreck.  He may be a shrewd businessman, where being a pig is acceptable behavior, but politicians must have diplomatic skills.  Diplomacy is the ART of telling someone to go to Hell in such a way that they actually look forward to the trip.  Mr Trump does not have that skill.  I am sick of hearing "He speaks his mind" The man has no filter.   I love the meme response to that, which is something like "so does my drunk Uncle.  Maybe he should run, he makes as much sense as Trump."  We also need to remember that rump is a FAILED businessman, if filing for bankruptcy five times is any indicator.  I hope he is just being advanced for entertainment purposed while they try to find someone reasonable.  MY fear is that they will put someone up who is totally unsuited to the job and enough people will knee-jerk and vote in some moron. I hope the candidates from both parties are reasonable logical choices and we can have someone leading this country forward.  And yeah  I think Barrack Obama is doing a great job.

America at Pershing Square.

I love the band, America.  The music makes me happy and I enjoy their shows.  SO when I heard they were doing a FREE gig locally in Pershing Square I got really JAZZED.  Unfortunately, I have recently been diagnosed with severe osteoarthritis and walking and standing were just too painful for me.  My husband is also disabled and cannot stand for long periods of time.  Imagine my delight upon winning VIP "observation deck" tickets to the show.  It qualified us for "early entry' and guaranteed seats.  UNFORTUNATELY this was NOT the good thing it seemed to be.

First.  They didn't even open the early gates until 7:15   LONG after the GA gates were open.  I asked the staff at Pershing, while we we stuck standing in line for a half an hour for  "ADA accommodations" for my husband who cannot stand for more than a few minutes ( I would have brought my own chair, but remember we had guaranteed seats???)  Her response was that he should lean against the wall. THIS is not an appropriate response, and I will be emailing them to talk with staff about how to accommodate patrons who may need additional help.  Second, the "observation deck" was WAYYYYY at the BACK of the house.  The GA seats were closer, so we picked a spot on the retaining wall and sat there.  HAD I KNOWN THIS, I would have brought my own chairs and scored a prime spot up front and sat comfortably.  The Radio station the sponsored the event had not been one of my favorite lately.  The took a wonderful DJ who played good music interspersed with interesting tidbits of musical knowledge and humor and replaced him with a frat boy who guffaws at his own jokes.  I don't have a drive-time dj anymore.  The arrogance of the whole "Mark in the Morning" thing left a bad taste in my mouth that was not abated by THIS. I was not the only one who had complaints and the people giving away paper fans at their booth could not have cared less.

The opening band was the Freddy Jones Band, a pleasant, if boring band who seemed to engage the close up crowd ( did I mention that there WERE VIP seats right below the stage?  THOSE people were cheering like mad)   I did not hate them, but I was not impressed enough to go out and look into their music, as is so often the case with an America opener ( Cindy Alexander, Berkley Hart and Jeff Larson!!!!)

I was happy when the band opened to strains of "Miniature" which always begins the set. The sound was MUCH better than it has been in the past.  Gerry mentioned the presence of legendary sound engineer Geoff Emerick which probably contributed a great deal to the quality of the sound.  The band was playful and filled with energy.  While waiting in line, I was discussing the probable setlist with another concertgoer, who insisted they would do "Muskrat Love"  a song that has mercifully been archived. They did not play it. I was also relieved not to have to endure "The Last Unicorn"  They added one of my favorite songs "Green Monkey"  a rocker from the Hat Trick album which holds a special place in my heart.  The song is the one I blasted, years ago when I was traveling alone in the Bay area and Mapquest  neglected to tell me that I would be traveling over a bridge.  On the water. The San Mateo sits ON THE WATER. I am a bit bridge-phobic.   I fliped to that song on my cd and floored it.   Also, at one point, when driving with my daughter, I was playing the CD and I said to her, "Sorry I have to turn this up"  she glared at me, then it came on.  she said "oh it's THAT ONE"  and leaned over and cranked up the volume.   Andy Barr was on fire last night and it was a pleasure to see him settling in to the guitar/keys/ vocals role.  I just wish he'd lose the stupid porkpie hat.

I bought the new CD, "Lost and Found" and will be giving it a serious listen before saying anything about it.  It will be a while, as I am in the middle of a Lizzie and Diesel book on CD and I need to finish it first ( there are holds on it)  It was nice to speak with both Brynna and Glynnis Campbell, two sweet and classy ladies. The America organization is lucky to have them as part of their group. I was disappointed that Brynna wasn't onstage with them for HWNN, it's always fun to see her play.

It was a beautiful warm night in the park.  I must say, however, the bar left a lot to be desired.  They did NOT have either of my favorite call whiskeys-  ALL YOU HAVE IS JACK DANIELS?? Seriously????  I wound up getting Chivas, but I missed the oak-y bite of Bushmills.  The food trucks were packed and kind of icky. I did get a shaved ice which Chris and I shared.  They need to have trucks that have stuff ready to go or just bagged snacks. Just my two cents.

I will try to see America again before the year is out, depending on the usual factors of time and money and my continuing health challenges. Yesterday, I was able to walk around without my cane, today I am suffering for it.  Pain killers are my new best friend.

A week's worth of something

I realize that I have not been writing and I am disappointed in myself.  How can I improve my craft, if I don't practice?   I write to release whatever is inside my head and right now, stuff is building up so here goes;

On Monday I had cortisone shots in both knees to help alleviate  the pain of osteoarthritis which has become unbearable.  I feel like such a wuss, but it hurts.  I wonder about my pain tolerance and sometimes feel like I have to buck up and just grit my teeth and GO.  I don't LIKE taking meds for pain.  The shots were not the cure all I had hoped, but I am managing.  I have to walk from the parking structure on 4th and Olive to my office on Fifth and Flower every day.  It is ( and I know this sounds like a joke) uphill both ways.  Seriously.  You go down Olive and then back up Fifth Street.  The walk at the end of the day is worse.  You are tired and the hill is killer.  But someone told me "motion is lotion" so I keep going.  On a brighter note, I had lost six pounds since I last saw my doctor, so THAT made me feel better!  I am uncomfortable with my weight and need to lose quite a bit to feel better.  I am sticking to the simple plan of eating less and exercising more, although I have NOT been on the bike in a bit.  I'm tired.  Pain wears you out and I am zapped by the time I get home.  Hopefully, I will find my energy again. This weekend should be fun!

Tonight I am meeting friends at Pershing Square to see "Guardians of the Galaxy" a fun sci-fi film that is a favorite of one of my friends. it should be a nice night in the park and I love the idea of watching a movie outdoors.  I hope they sell popcorn!  I saw a movie there last summer, but it was poorly attended.  This should bring a bigger crowd, I think.

TOMORROW!  I get to see my favorite band in the world, America, at a free show in Pershing Square.  I WON seats!!!!! it's a free show, but given our mobility issues, I had serious reservations about going and dealing with the crowd.  Thanks to my local radio station, I WON a pair of seats in the VIP section.  I am really looking forward to seeing "my boys"  I have to laugh, the "boys" are in their 60's.  I hope they are selling the new CD tomorrow. I keep meaning to get it, but forget to order it. I promise, if they don't have a merch table, I will be buying it online this weekend.  I am unashamed of my fan-girl love for this band- the music makes me happy.   The band is fun to watch and they have a new drummer who is a nice kid.  I wonder if the third guitar player, Bill Worrell is doing better, probably still healing.  When we saw them in July, Andy Barr who used to play with a local band I liked, had stepped in to take over the duties. Andy is a nice kid too.  It should be a fun night.  I am looking forward to having a "date" with my husband, grab some dinner beforehand in Chinatown maybe....

Work has been especially crazy this week, I have no idea why.  So much junk going on out in the branches.  I feel terrible for my folks out there and do my best to take care of the emergencies while taking care of the mundane AND working on necessary projects.  I need to be three people.  To say I am looking forward to some downtime is obvious.